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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My A has been home from rehab for 5 days. He has been doing the right thing by me, taking care of things around the house, had his taxes done and paid off some bills, applied for some jobs....today he went to a meeting and was a half hour late. He called but after the half hour. When he came home I told him that I expect that he calls when he knows he's going to be late. Not a half hour after the time has passed. Understood and moved on. We spent the day together grocery shopping and lunch....I did not feel the usual resentments of apying for things which was good. However, there were times throughout the day that old feelings came back. He is not feeling well and has a sore throat...I kept insisting that he call for antibiotics. He didn't want to. Not my sickness. Why do I care? I caught myself in it and stopped myself. Wasn't easy but at least I recognized it.
I'm also recognizing that old feeling of wanting him to be "happy" all the time. That when he doesn't seem "jovial" that I am somehow to blame. I have had to catch myself in that as well and realize that he is only 44 days in and that his happiness is not my responsibility.
I guess I didn't see my impatience coming. But I am trying to manage it. I am so thankful that I have this board and the friends on it.....it is a place i can get out all of those feeling I'm recognizing. Thanks again all..... you are the best.
One of the most important of our jobs in their early sobriety is just to get out of the way.
Just do your best, don't beat yourself up over slips. I find it is helpful to 'talk program' sometimes with my husband - I can say "This is what I am trying to do but am finding it hard", or whatever, and he can often understand. It really is in many ways the same program.
I remember when my husband was about two weeks sober - he had gone to detox and was committed to his 28 day rehab, but had to wait three weeks at home for an opening. An old friend of his came to town, just for the afternoon, and called up wanting to meet my husband in the bar. My husband went, promising me that he would just have a ginger ale, and then come home. He did, too, but that was one of the longerst afternoons in my life. I controlled myself pretty well - didn't say TOO much when he left, and didn't rush up to smell his breath when he got home. It sure was hard, though.
I'm in a similar place - his first weeks back after his first rehab (not your average rehab either as this one included forced drinking and shock treatments!)
This week it's been running him sround to all kinds of doctor appointments because he has lots of medical issues related to being an A. Some pretty gruesome waiting rooms filled with people decades older than him! He sleeps a lot still. I've just tried to stay as clear as possible. I support his choice and love him, but I'm not going to play any games, he is on his own to get better. He insists he is 'retired" forever from A, I want to believe, but time will tell. He was never out of control in life, just in the excesses of consumption...with that gone he could regain positive energy in his life (and already has in the last week), and keep it.
-- Edited by Amanda at 21:57, 2006-02-04
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
today he went to a meeting and was a half hour late. He called but after the half hour.
((kim))
He's an adult. If he is going to drink there is nothing you can do. It doesn't matter if it was 15 min late or 2 hrs. I would only expeect my teenager to call me if he was going to be a half hour late, not my adult A. Nor would I expect to have to call him and report where I am and what I'm doing. I do know how you are feeling, my husband went to AA and was 90 min late. Of course I was thinking the worst. He had been standing outside in the parking lot talking to an oldtimer. I'm sure glad I didn't call and interrupt. :) He's back to drinking..but maybe that oldtime gave him something that will bring him around again someday. This is HIS journey, HE has to do it alone, HIS way.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I hear what you are saying loud and clear. However, when meeting with his counselor she had suggested that I give him clear boundaries on what I expect...one of the things that had always bothered me was that he would say he would be home at one time and wind up coming home an hour later. (not that he was necssarily using every time, just inconsiderate) She suggested that I then set the boundary.."if you are going to be late, you need to call"....I'm trying to take suggestions.
I do realize that he is going to use if he wants. I cannot control him or his disease...I have tried in the past and failed miserably. But I do want to set firm boundaries as I feel that that is important. I am trying to balance between the two, take suggestions and gain some patience. It is a long road ahead.
One of the most important things for us to do is to examine our motives. I would look at WHY it was so important for me to know when he was going to be late. So I can know when to put the steaks on? Or so I can control him? (Or, more accurately, feel the illusion of control). This makes all the difference.
If you are expecting him for some reason - need him to look after the kids so you can do something, meal planning, plans you had for the two of you, whatever - then needing him to let you know is a boundary you set for YOU - it is there so you can go on with your life without his reliability or lack of it influencing your actions.
If you need to know where he is so you won't worry about what he is doing, so you can keep tabs on him, so you can feel that there is some control in your life, then your boundary is about HIM, and not really yours at all.
This is one of the most important aspects of boundary setting - making sure that they are YOUR boundaries, not ones you are trying to impose on others. Then, when he choses to ignore them, you still have your choices - you go to the movies without him, you go ahead and eat without him, you get a sitter so you can get to your appointment, and leave him to pay her..... We cannot control other people, we can only control what WE will do, and what we will accept.
