I play a computer game, Shanghai, it is a match the tiles game and when you clear the board a little saying pops up.  Today, the saying was "Your realism will avoid unpleasant surprises." 

Sometimes I often think the timing of these sayings is pretty funny.  Last night as I was trying to sleep (had a bad headache and had just dozed off), the phone rang, 1:30 a.m., it is hubby telling me he had cancelled his 2 credit cards and wanting me to pay the balance off.  I was unable to fall back asleep until 5:30 a.m., head pounding, upset, knowing the only time he does this sort of thing is when he is angry because he can't get money out for drinking/gambling. 

This morning I called the credit card companies to verify the accounts were closed - they are.  There had been credit available, but not for cash withdrawal.  The balances on the card tell me no further purchases had been made.  Breath of relief for that much at least. 

I am tired.  I am angry.  The realism of my situation is that my hubby is not only an A, but an A gambler.  Anytime we get $$ in the bank account, he feels free to blow hundreds of dollars in a night.  It is like the capacity to understand that there are future bills coming up, that loans must be repaid, is beyond him.  We talk about doing things to improve our future, to have something to retire on, and I am really good at planning this sort of thing, at dealing with finances, etc.  But then he goes and does this every single time.  I am tired.  I am angry.

I feel cheated.  I feel lied to.  I feel I cannot trust him.  I do not want to pretend that everything is okay, I will not pretend it is.  I will be telling him how I feel.  I am going through the beginning of the "change of life" for women - the stress (and this is per doctor) makes everything worse...headaches, cramps, etc.  I do care that he is on the road (truck driver) and alone - I can feel for him, I can appreciate how hard he works to support us.  But I work hard too to keep this family and home going smoothly.  I deserve some caring and support also.  In an equal partnership (marriage), you talk with each other and make decisions together.  You don't go behind each other's back and sabotage what you are working towards. 

The alcoholism is one thing, adding the gambling on top of that is breaking my back.  It is destroying the trust.  What is a relationship without trust?  Not much. 

I know he is "sick".  I know that both of these addictions are a disease.  I know that I am powerless over that.  But I also know that I have the right to stand up for myself, for our family, for our future, and say how I feel.  Whether that solves anything, well I don't know.  Time for me to look realistically at what I can and cannot live with.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.... can I remain in this relationship if he refuses to get a handle on his problems?  I don't know.  I don't want to leave.  Am I enabling by being the financial wiz and coming up with solutions to keep us afloat?  Or am I simply protecting the family?  I don't know.  I've questioned that often.  Do I just not communicate well enough to him about the financial situation, about how I feel, etc?  Maybe.  Ha, no one ever said life was easy.  Finding the right path can be so hard sometimes.

Thanks for listening.