The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last year at this time my A came down with a debiliating illness. He developed a muscle disorder that left him in a great deal of pain and virtually bed ridden.
I over identified with his illness because I have had my own illness. I did not wait to be asked to help. I jumped right in drew money out of my savings and went out of my way for him. He has never reciprocated. Whenever (and this was prior to his illness) I was ill, overwhelmed, whatever he did not help out. I could ask and he would run as far as he could bother emotionally and physically.
So last year I dealt with a lot of financial and emotional issues. In November he became sick again. Without al-anon I stepped in again and over identified and helped him then had a tremendous resentment afterwards.
I had no idea until recently that I blurred a lot of boundaries with the A. His mother is the typical refridgerator mother. She really does nothing. She calls but offers nothing. He has asked her in the past for help. She gives it very reluctantly. At times when I have been especially resentful of him he has gone to stay with her. That's really about all she offers. She has no consciousness what this illness has cost us emotionally or otherwise. She lives in her own world. I have cut myself off completely from her as a result. I used to give her tremendous emotional support on many issues. Now I do not have anything to do with her and intend not to. I no longer set myself up it that way.
I also had tremendous resentment at his friends who just "took" from him and gave nothing when he was ill. I felt totally toxic around that. One friend whose entitlement issues were totally out of the stratosphere has moved out of the area. His entitlement and boundary busting were tremendously damaging to our relationship. I have had to address that my boyfriend did nothing to protect me from that and I went out of my way for him constantly.
I do less from my boyfriend today than ever. I offer nothing unless he asks for it. At the same time I am stuck with having to do all the housework he offers nothing. I am also stuck with having to do most of the care of the pets. He offers nothing there either.
I have let my over identification with his illness box me in. Now I have cut off his mother and his brother (he offered nothing either when my boyfriend was sick) I have got a certain reprieve. I also got a reprieve when the friend who had such entitlement issues moved (I thin his room mate just gave him the walking papers). My boyfriend has one friend now who does offer emotional support. I let him go there for it. I no longer set myself up to be the one person he can count on. He is definitely not that for me.
I hope to be able to put in more boundaries and negotiate issues like the housework/dog care as time goes on. I am ordering and reducing my clutter and organizing the house. When I am finished I will be in a better position to start negotiating and setting goals for the year. I am tired of being in crisis or rebounding from a crisis.
DON'T negociate! DON'T put his needs ahead of yours. DON'T settle. this may sound selfish to you right now...but do what you want to do. you can help no one if you don't take care of yourself. don't feel bad b/c he has no one but you. you didn't make all his friends and family leave and you certainly can't bring them back.
Mariesie, Keep coming back. You sound like a real good hearted person, and you need to take care of you right now. We are all here for you. I also hope you will find a face to face meeting and a sponsor. Remember, we love you! Blessings, mebjk
Well he would say that his friends and family are not here because of me. After I found boundaries he decided that they were too much. One of his friends wanted access to the house and to eat us out of house and home night and day. I will never endure that kind of boundarylessness again. I had to create huge boulder boundaries to get him to go. He was that thick skinned. He acted out all over the place. When he came to get some stuff he had stored in the back shed free for two years he thrashed the back yard. Thank goodness he has moved more than a thousand miles away. His mother never did come around much unless it was to her benefit. He goes to visit her I do not go too.
I guess if I wanted to hit a bottom on boundaries this was one person to do it with. His boundarlessness and people pleasing coupled with mine caused tremendous crises. He looks up to people like alcoholics who have no boundaries. When I point out to him that a certain friend who let him down is an alcoholic he says "so what".
I no longer discuss his relationships with him. He is currently friendly with a neighbor who is an alcoholic but not yet mean and nasty. He has boundaries and has some sense of himself. I don't think other people he has been involved with did.
I have had to learn to put my needs first because certainly he has no concern or need to attend to mine and this is the exact opposite of what he was when he first met. Back then he could not do enough for me. Now he cannot not do anything for me which I remind him of and he bristles against.
I can definitely identify with the words you have written. I too have had issues with my inlaws and I have cut some of them off. My MIL has definitely come around and we have a better realtionship now than we ever had. She was quite a support during my A's time in rehab. My SIL's on the other hand...one has called and offered what I refer to as backhanded support. She is there but wants no details. My other SIL I have no use for as she has sat high on her horse judging both me and my A but has at the same time partook in some of his behaviors (gambling)....my BIL was my A's partner in crime in getting high. I cut him off a long time ago when the boundaryless me allowed my A to convince me to let me do work on my house and he took off to Florida mid job and left me high and dry (no pun intended). I have no use for him. When I did more work on my house I set a frim boundary that I was going to chose my contractor. I did, the work got done and well without incident. I will never go that route again.
While in rehab my A had wirtten to his family and told them how important it was for them to get along with me, that none of this was my fault and that it was his behaviors, addictions that caused many of the arguments. He took responsibility, yet my one SIL could care less. Quite frankly it deosn't reallly bother me b/c in the end, she is not someone I would be friends with anyway. I am gald that I have weeded out the crap and have surrounded myself with those I actually like.
My A's friends were also toxic to me. Many of them (including his boss) "protected" him from me and lied to me as well. When he went to rehab and I needed to pick up his check to pay the house bills they wouldn't even give it to me. But, they would get him high! Sad, but true. My A is not going back to that job, he is actively looking for something with growth potential. It has only been a few days but luckily there have been no signs of those old creatures. I have decide that I do not need to have thme in my life, my life is happier without them in it and if he chooses to be around those people again, there is no room for all of us. Period.
Overidentifying is a problem for most of us co-dependents. WE look at the broken pieces of ourselves and the broken pieces of our A's and think that somehow together it will make a whole. By keeping our focus on getting ourselves whole we can see the reailty and set boundaries to keep that wholeness in ourselves. Thanks for the post. It got me thinking.
Oh yeah....I can relate to this one. It takes a bit different form, but it's the same thing. My a daughter is constantly in crisis and when she is in crisis I feel upset. When she is happy and relaxed, I feel happy and relaxed. I am trying so hard not to do this anymore, but it's a struggle for me. Thanks for the topic - it's a good one.
