The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife descended into alcoholism about seven years into our marriage. I know that she may have technically been an alcoholic since birth, but during the early years of our marriage, she drank in moderation, and I rarely saw her drunk. That all started to change at about the seven year point. I could tell she was starting to lose control, and it got progressively worse, to the point that she was drinking from the moment she woke up until she passed out in the early evening. Finally, she went to rehab (twice, actually), and has now been sober for nine months, following a 3-day relapse.
I'm really not sure what to make of her recovery. Following rehab, she went to meetings religiously, got a sponsor, and did her readings daily. That lasted for four or five months, and then she just stopped going to meetings altogether. I believe her sponsor fired her. Anyway, I'm only providing that for context. Her recovery is hers, and mine is mine. I attend Al-Anon weekly, and I bring my kids to Alateen, and we're benefiting tremendously from the program.
I just wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience: my wife seems to be doing OK with sobriety. She's not drinking and although she's not working the steps and attending meetings, she doesn't appear to be white-knuckling it, either. Her moods are pretty stable -- no mood swings or chaos; although she can be irritable.
But she's not the same person I fell in love with. Not at all. I feel like I'm living with a wooden replica of the woman I married. For instance, she used to be very sociable, even when alcohol wasn't involved, and now she has no interest in socializing with people or making new friends -- even with the women she's met at AA. She used to love music (even worked at a record label in her 20s), and now she never listens to music and I can tell she gets a little irritated if I put music on. Her personality just had this spark that is no longer there. It's as if the disease took something from her, and I don't think it's coming back in sobriety. So now, at 18 years of marriage, I feel like I barely know her at all. I'm OK with it -- I've managed to detach from her disease and focus on my own recovery, but I do think about whether I want to still be in this marriage after the kids have left home. I wouldn't have dated - let alone married - the woman I'm with now.
Has anyone else had this experience? Did it change over a longer time period? I suspect, given that she's no longer participating in AA, that her recovery has hit a plateau, and this is pretty much the person she's going to be from now on.
There is a difference between being sober (even if she's not white knuckling it) and then being in recovery .. it sounds like your wife is sober however is not recovering. When I have been to open AA meetings listening to how RA's describe their journey is such a blessing I mean I just can't begin to tell you what it means to me to listen to what is verbalized in those meetings. The core being .. my thinking was broken and I didn't know how to live .. AA taught me how to live life in a sober way. Now the other thing is those triggers .. I have heard described music being a big one .. there are songs, ways they go to work even (passing a tavern or liquor store they went to especially in the beginning of recovery). They couldn't do that during the beginning of recovery.
My experience with others, there is something to be said about being spiritually fit, is the further away from God (HP) someone is the closer they are to a drink. I'm sure someone else will have better ESH to give .. there has to be growth in any program that's why we say Progress not Perfection.
I'm very glad to hear that YOU and your kids are in programs of recovery. What a blessing that is to share.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Your wife has to begin a new life, like living without the excitement of alcohol. Life has to bring new meaning in order for her to stay sober. Allow her to find her way without judgment or criticism.
Meanwhile, happy you and the family have your own recovery going. Stick with Alanon. and keep coming back.
I know that atmosphere with both my ex-alcoholic/addict wife and my Al-Anon participating present wife. It has nothing to do with me and yes both were and are in my life in fact there are more in my life than just these two and I get opportunities to practice the recovery lessons I learned in the program...the rocket science lessons I use to shake my head to when I first heard them and still the lesson that sets me up is that "The only problem is me and my only solution is God". Some of the lessons were unbelievable then and now have me thinking "Awesome"...read the book by St. Teresa "Love anyway" (she wrote it before she was a saint...not after)...use an open mind and the willingness to see differently. I leaned from her and many including many in the program that I was addicted to "being in love with love" and not loving because my alcoholic/addict wife and others had to be different before I could accept them unconditionally which is the certral point in my present definition of love given to me by an Al-Anon member 25 years ago. I didn't understand how she could love her alcoholic like she was mentioning in the meeting so I followed her out to her car to clarity while she was wanting to go home. (I could be a pest or worse when I was trying to save my life). The defnintion she gave me I still hold to this second and it doesn't include the word "my alcoholic". "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". And when she left me standing there I loved my wife and everyone else in my life equally. I came to question how HP could love me so unconditionally for and after all of the ways I behaved in my life. My alcoholic wife and present wife and many others in my life didn't have the notariety I had for causing problems. How could I not accept her unconditionally. Yes there were reasons we should not be together and none of those required a solution of refusing to love. I learned that being loving and being lovable is the most natural condition of us. We desire to give it and desire also to receive it. There are no conditions.
I am appreciating your post more as I am trusted to participate...it allows me to inventory my condition and I find what I've been taught in the program to see and to practice as right and appropriate. Mahalo ...thank you.
I see and accept Bettina's response as empathy and compassion which for me are two characteristics of Love and John you do love her or else you would not care to come here and be open to support for you both. Accept unconditionally...include your HP.
As a former Alateen sponsor and still qualified to sponsor, from past and present experience to me; any parent who envolves their children in the program are exercising love. I've always been humbled by that. (((((hugs)))))
Hi John,
I am still married to my alcoholic hubby after 43 years.... almost 44. And yes, I could have written it the same way you just described your wife. In fact, there are some days that he is still that way even though he has been in AA and not drinking since 2000. Right now is a snapshot in time. It will be different tomorrow, just like today is different than yesterday. My hubby is not the person I married either, and I also determined that I probably would not have married him if I had known the roller coaster. It took me many years to make a gratitude list about him. The first things I put on that list were my/our kids. They would have not been possible without him. He wasn't there emotionally to help raise them but I think I did a great job with that.
For right now, I would suggest that you try to make a gratitude list in your mind about her contributions. Look long and hard and don't hurry. See what you have. Then you can make better decisions about living with her or living without her. Don't have only anger and darkness in your mind. There may be reasons that you should not be together after the kids leave. But it is easy to make a judgment in haste and then regret you made it. Keep going to meetings and keep your kids healthy too.
YES!!!!!!! My husband has been working a great recovery program for about 7 months now but I so know what you mean about something just being different. We are separated but still do things together now and then. To try to keep a sense of humor, I've taken to expressing our situation as I'm dating my husband and I'm not sure if he's Mr. Right.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Having talked to my wife, I realize my brother in law is very much like that. he has been addicted to various things over the years, but now is clean as far as I can tell. but his coping mechanism is to live in the middle of nowhere with nobody else around, go to work and come home, not socialize at all (he's normally very social) and come to some family events. There is no recovery program, he thinks you should just decide to quit and drop out.
I guess he is making it, but I think he is pretty miserable doing so. If he was married I'm sure his wife would be pretty miserable too, but fortunately he has no SO to inflict this upon.
