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My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I guess deep down, if Im being completely honest, I have known for quite a while. Finding bottles of liquor behind the garbage in the bathroom, or in a suitcase in the storage closet, isnt normal. Why didnt I ever address it with him? All the signs were there, and I never said a word. We have been together for 3 ½ years. We have built a life together. And now I dont know what to do. It seems our whole relationship has revolved around alcohol. I was 19 when we first got together. I was young, didnt have a job, didnt have responsibilities, and I liked to drink. So thats what we did together. We drank and drank until we were so belligerently drunk that we would argue and fight until we passed out. Eventually, we moved in together, which meant it was time to grow up, get a job, and be responsible. And thats exactly what I did. Drinking became a weekend only thing for us, until I finally got so sick of the drunk fights, I stopped. I was only 20 years old and felt I had already lived through my drinking days, yeah I drank a bit every few months or so, but that was it. My boyfriend never stopped. At some point, I dont remember how or when, it became normal for him to buy a case of beer every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. Those nights, he would sit on the couch or on the computer, and drink until his eyes glazed over and all he wanted to do was argue. He needed to drink to help him sleep he deserved to drink because he worked so hard all week. I never pushed the issue. I got used to dreading the weekends, because that meant I would have to watch what I said and hope to god I didnt say the wrong thing to start a ridiculous fight that left me crying alone in the bathroom all night.
One day, after a long fight, he admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. He had been drinking an entire bottle of rum. Daily. For over 2 years. Our entire relationship felt like one big lie. He called everyone in his phone, literally, to tell them he is an alcoholic. He promised he was going to get better. He promised he was going to quit. We bought him a calendar, and came up with a plan to wean him off of the alcohol. He had been sober for 2 days. I was SO proud of him. I was so excited. I felt like our life was finally going to be on track. I knew it was going to be a long hard road, but I was ready to support him and help him through it. When I got home from work today, he told me he relapsed. I FREAKED out. There was a case of beer in the fridge, and I begged him to get rid of it, and all I got back from him was a blank stare. He told me he deserves to drink on the weekends, he can control it, drinking is what he likes to do on the weekends after working all week long. What am I supposed to do? 3 days ago he was so ready to be done forever. Now the plan is to only drink on weekends because he deserves it. I love him so much, I cant image my life with anyone else but him, but I CANT do this forever. Do I give him boundaries? Rules? Stipulations? I know I can't change him, am I supposed to just give up? I feel so lost..
Welcome to the board Sunshine...Keep coming back...you don't give him anything because you are powerless over alcoholism...his, their, everyones. The only person you can do anything about is yourself. If you go to the white pages of your local telephone book you can find the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call the numbe and find out when and where we meet in your area and the come out to the first face to face group you are able. That is the best suggestion any member of Al-Anon can give you. We don't give advise. Getting to the meetings is what worked for me and still does. I can suggest that. You can also go to Al-Anon.org and check on the information there. We are a world wide 60 year old fellowship of people whose live have been affect by someone elses drinking. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 8th of March 2014 11:53:41 PM
Al anon teaches you to take care of yourself. You really can't do anything to make him stop. It is his problem and if he wants to fix it he will. It is time to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. Write them down. That's what I had to do. The bad stuff has outweighed the good in my marriage. I have become strong enough to leave my marriage after many years on the roller coaster of alcoholism.
What do you want from life? When I finally realized I could not control my husbands drinking I decided I could not live with it any longer. It sounds like you don't have kids? I do. Imagine what it would be like if you had kids and your partner was not reliable enough to watch them. Alcoholism causes fear and anxiety in families. I suggest you read as much about this disease as you can. I just read statistics that say if a person is sober for at least FOUR years, they might be able to stay sober. That's too long for me to wait. How about you? I know it's hard, but it is ok to not be with a man. This is my second broken marriage. I am done fighting the battle. It's time to take care of me and my kids. In al anon we say to take what you like and leave the rest. I hope you can do that with my reply.
>>3 days ago he was so ready to be done forever. Now the plan is to only drink on weekends because he deserves it.<<
Unless he's committed to a program of recovery (and he's obviously not), this is a pattern you will likely see repeated more times than you can count. You said you saw a case of beer in the fridge and begged him to get rid of it. Even if he had, it would have accomplished nothing. You can't control this disease any more than he can. You can, however, decide whether you want to be in a long-term relationship with an active alcoholic. That's your decision to make, but understand that, if you do, you will not be able to "cure" his disease -- not through begging, or pleading, or yelling, or cajoling, or reasoning. Nor will you be able to make him realize that he has a disease.
