The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
why do i have to worry about my dad's problems? i feel like it's not fair to have to worry about something i didn't cause, can't control, but i can't accept it. for lack of a better word...this sucks!
we automatically want to help and fix other peoples problems...it makes us feel better..happier in ourselves to give instead of take, take, take all the time...however..its at times like this..when we are in actual fact..POWERLESS TO HELP THE ADDICT...that we feel worse..totally lost and afraid...
Part of our program is learning those 3 C's...we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Along with the 3 C's is the Serenity Prayer... (i'll put in parenthesis what was shared with me about this prayer)... God grant me the serenity, To accept the things I cannot change (other people, places, things), Courage to change the things I can (myself), And wisdom to know the difference.
Acceptance can be very difficult for us. There is another line I've heard which says "if you can't accept it then leave it, if you can't leave it then you better find a way to accept it." I had a situation with my son (non-alcohol related) which I could not accept when I first heard of his decision. I cried for 3 days straight, I was just so upset. My reaction made my son pull away from me, he didn't want to talk to me. I saw that if I did not accept his decision and continued to act the way I was acting, I was going to lose that relationship I had with him. I put aside my fears, I asked HP to give me strength and to watch over him, and I accepted his decision. I still don't like the decision, but you see, my son is an adult now and he has the right to live his life the way he chooses. And I must accept that, it is his life, not mine.
In all our relationships, whether it be parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend, or spouse, we need to remember that each person has the right to live their own life. The best thing that I can do in any of those situations, is to learn how to be a healthy person myself, to show respect and caring without enabling, to detach with love when needed so that they can deal with their own consequences without my interference and learn from it, and for me to focus on my own behavior and life. "Live and Let Live" - that slogan tells us we need to live our life and allow others to live theirs. We each are accountable to our own HP, we each have our own HP. As a mom, I know I am accountable to guide and teach my children as they grow, but when they reach adulthood, I must allow them to go their own way. I can only hope the example I set for them helps them, and that they will always feel comfortable in coming to me to talk things over. If I myself am not healthy, then I cannot set a good example. I need to make sure I learn to be healthy and continue to be so. And perhaps, a parent may be able to learn by their child's example of healthy behavior. If not, well at least the child will be healthy and will be able to break the cycle and teach their children to be healthy.
You see, you don't have to worry about dad's problems. You do have choices. I know you love and care about him. But his problems are his to bear, they are not yours. You will only make yourself sick worrying over something that is out of your control to change. Keep coming back, keep learning about this family disease of alcoholism. You'll begin to understand. You can get better!!!
Much love to you, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I found with the A in my life, my husband, that my life became focused on his stuff. I forgot about taking care of me. I focused on everything he did wrong, the neglect of his family, our life together, his focus on his friends and activies with them that involved alcohol and drugs. I learned this last year and a half, that my focus needed to be back on me. I had spent so much time trying to make him "see" what he was doing that I was doing what I needed to be doing. Now with the progress that I have made, my focus is more on me becoming a better person, feeling my feelings, and knowing that I can't make him see. He is an adult and (he is clean and sober now) he must live his life one day at a time. When I started letting go of the anger, frustration, and resentment, things started getting better. There is a wonderful book, daily reading called, "The Language of Letting Go" it has helped me so much. Short one page readings to help me find myself again. Hang in there.
Well I certainly had my own melt down last year dealing with my boyfriend's illness among other issues. Do you make time for you and your problems and your own self care. Self care is now at the top of my list. It was once at the bottom.
I think its important to start setting boundaires. Start being firm and see what happens. Set small ones and then keep on setting new ones as things change.
