The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got up the nerve last night to have a discussion with my "a" about our relationship and where things are headed. He has been very distant but not cold, just not affectionate. He said calmly to me that he meant what he said last Friday night about wanting to pay his half of the debts and move out. He said he was tired of the fighting and tired of me nagging and feels that I have never made it clear to him that I "need" him or really "love" him. He said that the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth during our fights has stayed with him and he feels like he doesnt belong in the home with me and the kids. He said he really wants some independence and the freedom to control his own money and his own life without me controlling or saying anything to him about any decision or choice he makes.
I of course have my gripes too in this relationship that are mostly focused on the drinking, the choices, and the lack of responsibility he affords himself in his life. He is unable to see how his choices have affected me and I don't know if he ever will be able to see that. After our first breif conversation I began to allow myself to feel the pain of the end of my relationship with this person. I wasn't sure what I would feel, I thought I would feel relief but I wasn't relieved I was genuinely feeling guilty and responsible for the horrible things I've said to him, and realized how I have contributed to my own demise in this relationship. Without this program I would probably just feel like its all his fault and I did nothing to contribute, but I really have. The need to control the alcoholic so I could manage to keep the money in the home, avoid the children seeing their father drunk, monitoring how he parents and talks to the kids, monitoring how he talks to me, always looking over his shoulder to see how much he spends, what plans he makes with friends, that's crazy right? I can see now that whether he gets sober or not, I cannot continue to put that much energy into monitoring and controlling his life. So, if he wants to seperate the accounts because he would like the control of his money and life, then maybe I should be o.k. with that. He would take on that responsibility and feel the consequences of overspending, or whatever he does. I think he was right, I did not like the idea of him getting his own account because then I couldn't control what he spends his money on. I guess having all the money in one account and allotting him a certain amount I knew he wouldn't overspend on alcohol, but it caused serious resentments on his end.
With all this controlling and monitoring of his life I have sufferred because I haven't been able to show happiness or excitment about much of anything. I have not been able to seperate myself emotionally from the things he chooses to do with his time and money and allow myself to live like I want to. Later in the evening we both expressed to each other that breaking up is not something we want to do, but feel it may be the only way for both of us to be happy. We decided to continue with our financial goals of paying the debts off, my "a" will save his money for his own place. This will take some time, and I guess we both hope that this time will make a difference and things could get better. I realize now that things won't get better until I get better and I learn to either accept that he is an adult responsible or not and I have to keep my nose out of his business and allow him to be himself. I don't think it means I have to take abusive fighting or be around him when he drinks, but just allow him to become the independent person he wants to become. I can't do that with out this program or my HP. The good thing about all of this is I don't think we would have a messy breakup, he was calm, he was o.k. with paying more child support, he really thought about where he would live and wants to be close to the kids as much as possible. I was impressed with that. Sorry this was so long today, I guess I just needed to get that out, this board is the one safe place I have to express myself. Thanks to all for your support. Have a great day
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Twinmom, I am so glad you are here. It sounds as if the program is really working in you, and you are the one to thank for that. I also sense that you are taking this one moment at a time, really staying in touch with how you feel about what is happening right now. I think the insight you have about how much energy your care-taking of him has taken from you is really profound. We are all with you, and we are also glad you are here. Already in your struggle, you are sharing your experience, strength and hope with us. You are in my prayers, twinmom, blessings, mebjk
i think this was thee best decision you made hun..you are taking care of you. your emoions, your feelings, your well-being, your sanity!
im glad he was calm and collected..it makes things easier when you can have a decent civil conversation with your "A" without an arguement ensuing...
i was the same as our in my relationship with my "A".. i took the role as "MINDER" and "CONTROLLER" instead of equal partner. i didnt control his money..but his whereabouts..who he saw..where he went..the trust wasnt there in the end..thsats why i quizzed him about everything..thats why i nagged every minute of every day...
im glad your doing this for you... your getting better twinmom..even if you dont think your making progress...YOU ARE..its plain to see to the rest of us!
WOW what growth you are showing in your life. I have found when I started letting go of the control in my marriage it began to slowly change. Prime example, my A called me a bit ago and I was busy with a client, I told him I would call him back. When I did he didn't answer his phone so I left a brief message, just a "was calling you back, love you talk to you later" OMG a year ago, I would have left a message like this "oh yeah, I try to call you back and you're not answering your phone, where are you, oh maybe you're just ignoring my calls!" The change in both of us has been long, slow, and hard at times. We were seperated for a brief time, things still need a lot of work but it's getting better and I know now that I dont "need" my A in my life, but I want him there. If he chooses different I will be okay. You are doing a great job!
Those words could have come out of my A's mouth and mine. He chose to move out and wants control of his finances. You express it well the vicious cycle of this disease. I too watched him, called him, ask questions about who he was with, what he was doing, and why wasn't he home with us. As you can see by my post, I haven't been able to move on. You are doing a great job of acceptance. I think though that the A's need a scapegoat to justify their behavior and that is us. Only through the wisdom of Alanon are we able to take the focus off the A and learn to take care of ourselves. The best to you in your journey.
How remarkable that you can have that kind of conversation with the A and not overidentify with him and stay true to you. I think its fantastic that you can see his point of view and how limited he is in seeing his effect on you.
I have sat in tremendous resentment for years and not been able to separate from it. I think its something that you can grieve what was. Clearly the irresponsibiliy is not something that you can live with anymore and that is phenomenal. I think I can become totally paralyzed in feeling powerless rather than understand that I have no control over someone elses behavior and can merely set boundaries and limits. There are nevertheless some people who I cannot be around on any level. I set a lot more boundaries all round these days and I also am more discriminating who I bring into my life.
I feel you have done an incredible amount of work on yourself that you can look at his issues and your issues and separate them out and then have the "we" issues as a totally separate entity. For me it is still all merged up but less so than it was. I work on separating myself out daily from my family of origin, from work issues, from my boyfriend's issues.
my a too told me he was sick of living with me the way i am. i nag, scold, everything you name it. i too see the part i play in ruining our relationship. i did what i could. i became aware of my faults and apologized. that is all i really can do. we will see what happens from here, whatever happens i will have to learn to accept it.
__________________
stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
