The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi everybody, I have recently joined and have attended 2 meetings so far. Alcoholism has affected my whole life. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was very abusive ( Sexually. verbally and emotionally) to us 4 children and my mother. I learned at an early age how to walk on eggshells and what not to do when he was drunk to avoid his anger. None of it actually worked. When I was 18 I detached from him totally by not having anything to do with him. I am still in contact with a friend of his in Germany where he lives or better put where he exists. He is homeless, incontinent and suffers from alcohol induced dementia. His friend lets him shower at her place sometimes and gives him a meal when he rocks up. I promised myself not to marry an alcoholic. But thats exactly what I did. I had no idea at first because my husband was and is a secret drinker. By the time i found out, it was too late. I thought my love for him would make him stop. Of course, it didn't work. We married in Germany, came to Australia and had three children.After 13 years together his personality changed. He became verbally and emotionally abusive. It happened gradually. I believed him and began to think of myself as stupid, unattractive and useless due to a chronic pain condition which restricted what I can do. I ended up being depressed all the time. He sent me to see a professionalist because "there was something wrong with me and because I cried all the time". The counsellor asked why I am there. I said to find out whether I am crazy or not. She asked me to give her some examples. When I finished she told me that I wasn't mad but that my husband is abusing me emotionally and mentally. I disagreed because at that time abuse to me meant physical. To cut a long story short, I stayed 3 more years and even had another child with him who was 1 years old at the time I left. I still loved my husband but saw that he was destoying me emotionally. I really thought this would be the end of the abuse. How wrong I was!
Since last May I've supported him. The alcohol has damaged his heart,liver and brain. When his girlfriend left him last May he fell into a deep depression and became suicidal. Since then he has tried to kill himself, lost his job and got evicted from the house he rented. He moved into my lounge room beginning of Dezember. He finally admitted to me and himself that he has a problem and vowed to stop drinking. He has attended a few AA meetings but has fallen off the wagon a few times despite anti-craving medication.Last night he came back after 4 days being gone without us knowing where. He went on a bender and slept in his car.He came home drunk and attempted to leave again. I wrestled him for his keys and have a sore arm and a huge bruise to remind me of the incident. He called police last night because I did 'something illegal by taking away his property'. Luckily for him they put him on hold for 20 minutes and he gave up. I am not sure whether I did the right thing by taking his keys. He has been driving while drunk for many years. I am surprised that he has never been caught so far. However, I would feel responsible if he would kill somebody due to his drink driving, especially If I could have avoided it.I would like to hear from others re. this issue.
After my first Al-Anon meeting the truth of the first step hit me. I had to realise that I am powerless over the alcohol. I had thought otherwise because we hunted down his hidden booze and poured it down the drain every chance we got. I also had to admit to myself that my life has become unmanagable. Work and study are the 2 areas in my life where I am successful but my homelife is a mess. I feel this huge burden of responsibility to support him. Firstly because he has no true friends who even know the mess he is in and secondly because he is the father of my 3 children and thirdly because we don't have any family in Australia. Although he has caused me a lot of pain over the years, I still care about him. This fact is also puzzling me. All my friends don't understand me and don't want me to support him because they can see what it is doing to me. Am I being soft in the had? A few cents short of a dollar? I ponder a lot about this. thanks for listening Andrea
koala, I am so glad you have found us. Thank your higher power for that! What you shared here makes a lot of sense to a lot of us - living with the abuse and the craziness. You are not crazy, you are simply a co-dependent, like the rest of us here. Like many of us, you coped with the abuse by being depressed. And you are truly doing what you need to do to help yourself and your children now - you are here. Thank you so much for being here. Your being here and telling us the truth about your life is a powerful step toward your own well being. As we say in Alanon, we already love you in a very special way. Keep coming back! And please look for a face to face meeting near you, koala! Blessings, mebjk
It sounds like you are qualified for the program and maybe sopping it up like the sponge that I use to be when first finding the doors of this miraculous program.
Detachment is an art form. It is a asset in character that allows me to still participate in life without being drowed by the sickness of it.
I learned how to detach many moons ago and it took a while. Good detaching does not take over night. It takes going to meetings often, listening, asking for direction from good sponsorship and practice, practice, practice. There are many forms of detachment however I practice detaching with Love and my program definition of Love is, "The complete and total acceptance of another human being for exactly who they are." In my case one of the other human beings was my alcoholic wife. I accepted her as a wife, mother, worker, funny lady, great cook, alcoholic child of God plus. I detached from her alcoholism and left her the dignity of being responsible for her disease. I could help and I could be supportive but I would not accept responsiblity for the consequences of her addiction and her unwillingness to seek recovery. I stopped playing the enabling game and changed my role in the life play we were acting out. She decided to keep drinking. I decided to seek help for myself and get on with a spiritual, productive life that included working with others who were seeking recovery. That is what is happening today. I continue to use detachment cause this is one thing that is necessary to be around even recovering alcoholics, addicts and their sick families.
It was suggested that I get a sponsor, go to alot of meetings, listen often, share less, and asks for help from recovering people and first off my Higher Power.
You came to the right place. I like to refer to it as detatching with love. IT is not totally avoiding the other person but seperating ourselves from their disease and still being able to love the person inside that is not diseased. I try to be angry at the disease and not the person and agree with alot of what Jerry F explained. Learning bout detatching is a process. At the meeting you went to did they give you some literature for newcombers? There usually is a pamplet in there on detatchment. The main thing I learned is it isn't ignoring the person or never seeing or being around them but seperating from the alcoholic espisodes or behaviors. We learn to take babysteps in alanon and look at progress not perfection. It is great you have such a desire to learn all you can. Keep coming back and going to meetings. What you learn will come as you need to learn. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Detaching was EXTREMELY hard for me & still is challenging but once I began to hold back some love for myself, that love that I allowed to be sucked out of me my entire life utterly codependent & sick with my mother, I never spared one drop of love to keep for me.
Once I had this realisation... the ability to detach & not obesess about the family, came easier.... I've never had the ability to 'protect' myself emotionally either & this too has come along with this new self-love that I am experiencing.
Don't et me wrong, I never had a problem sayiang "no" to my mother but I would be being eaten alive by guilt. This too has stopped.
I'm 37 ~ been in this dysfunctional family forever, I keep reminding myself that it's taken me a long time to get so sick, that I need to give myself "a break" & be gentle with my recovery, it can't happen over night. Gotta go through some struggles, so that the lessons become a part of us.
Keep sharing, take it one day at a time.
love, -Kitty of light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome to Alanon. Thanks for sharing your story. We are truly powerless over alcohol but we love alcoholics. Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves and our own lives and finding recovery for ourselves. We deserve it and we are worth it. To detach, as explained here, is to set boundaries and sorta separate ourselves from the disease. Keep coming back.
We all love alcoholics here - we are learning how to love them without letting their disease destroy us.
It's OK to take your time in this program, make small changes, until eventually you realize that the baby steps have accumulated into some really big changes. Maybe you will be changing your expectations, maybe you'll be changing your address - that's up to you.
Welcome to MIP. You are in a good place with good people. Sounds like you are finally dealing with the abuse and boundaries. With regards to if you were right to take his keys. I think we care about our "a's" more than they care about themselves, you felt you had a moral obligation to him and to someone else. If it puts you in danger, then I say let him go. He will have to live with the consequences if he gets caught. I have gotten into a few screaming matches with my "a" over the keys to car. He can get scary when I put my foot down about it. I have backed down and let him go. Now, I know if he leaves with my car and he intoxicated, I'll call him in to the police.
Letting go is difficult, I myself struggle with detachment with love, I often detach but with resentment and anger. All I can say is stay safe, and don't allow the abuse to continue. If him being in your house is painful and causing you mental anguish, you may think about a halfway house or a shelter. Keep coming back and posting. Take care
Hugs
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am so glad that you have this group. You may want to be part of the adult children group too and explore issues around neglect/absue in your childhood as well. I find they run parallel to my issues in the present day.
I am glad that you are looking at ways to support you. Do you have people you can check in with every day. If not come into chat and do it, involve yourself, get support, get a regular check in going.
The issue of drinking and driving comes up a lot in these rooms you will hear a lot of support, understanding and help here with that.
I personally do not drink anymore. I am thinking strongly of not having any alcohol in my residence in future. I once drank but not alcoholically. I have always been surrounded by alcoholics, drug users and people with issues. They felt very familiar for me.
I am very very sad to hear that your father became an end stage alcoholic. My sister who has been drinking for decades is approaching end stage on many levels. She looks yellow. She has always drunk daily. She puts on a great cover up at the moment but that was not always the case. I dread hearing of her decline. That must have been a very big loss for you and affect you. I know my dysfunctional family, the way boundaries were in my family led to me being overinvolved and over identified with others. I know I can change that today with the help of al-anon.
