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I am new to this. Don't really know where to begin...
Ive come to the realization my husband IS a alcoholic and will probably NEVER change. We are both 31, been married 7 years and have two children age 3 and 18mo. A few years ago when i was pregnant with our daughter i noticed he started to drink very heavily (we used to both go out a lot and drink together before we had children, but never heavily) He would get very aggressive and have big blow-out fights with me, my dad, my brother, friends, ect at family parties after drinking. Everyone was noticing and it became VERY embarrassing. I talked with him about it and he said he would cut back, that he was just stressed about the new baby, money, ect. I then started to find vodka and Four Loko cans hidden around the house, under the sink, in the garage, in the dog food, ect. He would be wasted, slurring and stumbling in front of me and family and NEVER admit he was drinking, even when i would catch him with the bottle up to his mouth he would still say he wasn't drinking it. Things became worse after the birth of our daughter, he would drive drunk and be completely outta it at times. Our neighbor even came over and said someone has been throwing Vodka bottles into her yard, she said she had about 20 bottles. I was mortified and threatened to leave him, screamed, cried, begged. Nothing would work. He would deny the bottles and always said they were old and plead to me he would change. Mon-Thurs everything was fine, he would go to work, come home, we would eat dinner, go to bed, get along, the usual. Every Friday-Sun i would catch him hiding alcohol. I began to not trust him, never leave him home with our children, resent him, i looked at him different. He promised to change and He entered a out patient rehab program and went to 4/5 meetings a week. Things seemed to get better but i would still find a hidden bottle about once a month.
Things came to a head one day when i caught him with ANOTHER bottle and we got in a big fight, i had enough and told him to get out. I got a call that morning at 3 am that he was in jail with a DUI. I came clean and finally told my family and his parents what was going on. We had a sort of intervention and he seemed to have hit rock bottom. He begged he would never drink again and i really wanted to believe him. I stuck by his side and we decided to get a fresh new start and move closer to family. Things have been good for about 4 months and a few days ago when he came home from work (on the train) i smelled alcohol on his breath. As soon as we got home i checked his work bag and found alcohol (a four loko can to be exact) We fought and he said he messed up and he swore it was a "isolated" incident. He says "look how much i work, i get up at 4am and ride my bike to the train, go to meetings and help with the kids! I couldn't do all that if i was drinking again!" I was in a little bit of denial so I (of course) forgave him. Tonight when he got home i smelled it again, but his behavior was normal. I went to the garage to do laundry and he followed me in a suspicious kinda way to "check on me" when he went back in the house i looked around the garage and found another can of alcohol. He swears AGAIN its not from tonight "its old" and it was from a few days ago, hes not a alcoholic, blah blah bah....same excuses. We fight and i cry and get enraged and it always ends up with him calling me names saying i don't trust him, I'm a bitch, I make him feel like shit.
I don't know what to do anymore! Will this ever change? He's going to (court ordered) meetings once a week and works very hard 6 days a week, he seems responsible and is a great dad, but the lying! THE LYING!! i feel like i love him so much and i don't want to leave him, but a part of me hates him too, for what he's doing to himself, to us, to our family. When is enough enough?
Dear Lucy,
glad you found us. Welcome! I came to Al Anon about 2 years ago, for I too wanted things to change, wanted to help my loved one get away from alcohol. Al Anon is a fellowship of people who are affected by the disease of alcohol through somebody else's using. It offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help. For we too suffer, in other ways.. alcohol affects not only the body, but also the mind and soulof the users and all people around them.
A first message that I needed to understand when coming to Al Anon is the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, i cannot control it, i can't cure it! all I can do is look within myself, where I'm disconnected with myself to put up with the affects of alcohol in my life. I can change. I have choices. It's hard to live in the turmoil of alcoholism. It distorts realities about the user and ourself. The lying is part of the disease. It leaves us feeling guilty, full of fear and shame.
in coming here, you listened first hand to your awareness. YOu reach out , that's good. and this is the right place to do this, for here are people who understand and know, for we walk similar paths.
Read through the posts here, people here are great, sharing and supporting. Trust is not wasted here and compassion is abundant.
keep coming back, learn and share, if you feel like. you will find out with time that it's much more important to care first for yourself before you can care for somebody else.
you may feel lost at times, but we are here to remind you you don't have to feel that way. You can be very much just YOU.
in support and love, i'm happy you are here.
Aloha Lucy and welcome to the board you are soooo qualified to be here and you found here good. Tortuga has given you a very good response and suggestion in reading back thru the posts. The MIP family is very strong in healing and supporting, now you're in. I got into recover in Central Valley CA...and when I did I was amazed at how strong the fellowship was. It was suggested to me to do 90 meetings in 90 days and there were soooo many meetings to choose from I did over a 100. I was led to the doors of Al-Anon by pure miracle. I was looking for help in emotional troubles and no one was available then I called suicide prevention (yes it comes to that for many friends, family and associates affected by someone elses drinking and using) my wife was an alcoholic/addict. Suicide prevention was all at lunch and then I found my finger on Al-Anon and found a live person to talk to who was the spouse of an alcoholic and told me my reaching the Al-Anon hotline was that my life depended on it. I never met that angel and the program has saved my life. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and call the hotline to find out where and when we get together in your area and then go as soon as you can. The 3cs that Tortuga mentioned are real. Memorize those till you get to a meeting. Keep coming back here also reading and posting. More family will be coming to offer suggestions (ESH...Experience Strength and Hope.) (((((hugs)))))
I can relate to your whole story, this was my story too. I lived in denial too, telling myself that even though hes drinking its not as bad and look at all the other good things hes doing, maybe its just me and my craziness. I was obsessed about his drinking, hunting for bottles, always finding them, the threats, begging. I could not take my eyes off him, he took over my mind, he was all I could think about, desperately trying to think of the answer to this nightmare, I believed there was an answer, I could find it , he would stop drinking and then, only then we would be a happy family.
There is no hidden answer, you cant ever make him stop, not with interventions, begging, threats, making better dinners, being a better wife, mother. You will never make him stop. I wasted years trying. My energy and my mind belonged to him and his drinking, there was no space for myself, so I looked and felt a mess, no room for my kids, I made sure they looked perfect but I neglected most of my responsinilities to him and his drinking.
Find your nearest alanon meeting and start your own program of recovery from the mess. You and your kids will have a better life and the changes come quickly. Or, continue on the same road, it gets worse and worse. My journey in this life lasted until my kids were teens and badly affected by this disease. You have reached out so there is a better chance for you and your kids. Dont let the damage deepen, get help.x
Hey Lucy. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a pretty classic alcoholic story. Sounds like he's not ready to stop either or else he would be going to more meetings and embracing AA. Going court ordered 1 x a week will do nothing. I know this from my own alcoholism.
So...knowing that, Alanon is the place to give you your sanity and serenity back. His behavior is pure alcoholic insanity. It is not going to make sense because insanity, lying, hiding, rationalizing and those things are all part of it until the person surrenders. Pledges and swearing to "never drink again!" is also pointless because when he's ready, he will simply embrace recovery and go to meetings just about daily if not needing detox/rehab first.
There is no 1 catch all way of acting or being to deal with loving someone with alcoholism. It's hard to stay in the relatioship and hard to leave it also. There are a myriad of tools to reduce arguing, confrontations and to enhance your ability to function and be happy and more independent such that what he does doesn't cause you panic, dread, depression, and feeling totally trapped and without support. Alanon can give you your choices and freedom back but there's work involved and surrender to the idea that you can "make" him get sober because you can't.
Lucy,
I think the alcoholics must read from the same book or something. I too have heard, just recently I might add, that the vodka I found was old. It had been there a long time. I said really? Oh yes. My AH likes to put his in a water bottle and the next day low and behold I pick up his water bottle to take it upstairs and I thought I would smell it. Wow, to my surprise there was more vodka. My AH really does not think he has a problem. I know until he reaches out for sobriety nothing will change for him. I love when the alcoholic says I am under a lot of stress. Once that subsides I will stop. I guess they do not understand the stress we are under because of their behavior. If they did it would make this whole situation so easy. I have changed a great deal over the past 8 years but I will always have to be involved in Al-Anon. Whether he continues or stops drinking I will always need the help.
Thank you so much everyone. After reading these I don't feel so alone. I must say after reading that my story sounds like classic alcoholic story is kinda hard to hear. I keep thinking he's different, not a real alcoholic. If we just got a bigger house, had more money, stressed less, things would change. I know I'm wrong. This morning he started with the "I'm sorry's" "this wont happen again" he blames everything saying " i just had a stressful week, its not what you think, im stressed about work, we need more date nights away from the kids, ect" everything except he needs help with his alcohol problem.
After these times of catching him drinking i never want to tell anyone (family or friends) I'm embarrassed and i know it will stress them out, especially my mom whom I'm very close with. Everyone thinks since his DUI he's "fixed"...So i say nothing. I looked into Alanon meetings in my area and I will attend next week. I cant keep all this in anymore.
Thanks you so much everyone! I'm am so grateful i came across this site last night.
For years I kept it a secret. I don't anymore I let people know what really was going on. Many of my neighbors knew - they could smell it on him - but if I was asked directly how is your husband and how are you I would skirt the issue. A couple of months ago I had three woman from our church come over and talk to me. When they asked me again I finally admitted it was a horrible situation. One lady asked me are you close to divorce and I said I was very close. I felt such a freedom and had tears after they left. I could say what I thought and felt and I felt lighter. It was a very empowering time for me.
Keep in touch Lucy. We all will be thinking of you and your family.
Face to face al-anon meetings helped me, so has MIP and reading lots of books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, my 3 daily al-anon readers "Courage to Change" "One Day at a Time" "Hope for Today". Digging into your self care and working an al-anon program can help you. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My AW was the most honest person in the world before alcohol. She is much more honest than me when in a natural state, since I am a people pleasing codependent I lie about how I feel way too easily. But when she started abusing, then became an alcoholic, the lying/denial was horrible.
Now that she is in recovery, she is again a straight shooter. Now I have to keep working on MY recovery to keep up with her in the honesty department!
In fact, for me, that is how I can tell if she is in recovery or not - when she lies/denies, she is out of recovery, whether drinking or not, and it's just a matter of time before the downward spiral will begin.
I hope you can get to Al Anon meetings. There will be lots of people there to identify with.
