The material presented
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level.
Well I am going back to a meeting tonight. It has only been two days but I feel like I have to try a bunch of different meetings and see what suits me. It is so easy to make up excuses as to why I shouldn't go. I read the little packet on sponsorship. I am not sure when to get a sponsor or if I want one. I don't know how I would pick someone and ask them. The whole thing makes me very anxious. Esp. because of the higher power stuff which still makes me uneasy.
I just feel like people are always trying to convert me and it freaks me out. A friend of mine invited me to Munich a few years ago for a retreat. It ended up being a cult and they locked me in a house and drugged me. I didn't speak the language and was very frightened. I ran away with only my plane ticket that I'd saved, my passport and the number of the American Embassy. There were no phones or communication where I had been. This kind of shut down any sense of spirituality I had left and I became a cold, hard, facts girl. I still believe in some sort of interconnected energy in the universe, but I don't think that it can help me or has any interest in my problems because I don't believe in a sentient being.
So I am afraid if I get a sponsor, they are going to push their religion on me which always makes me angry. How do I know if someone can click with me on that?
Also, yesterday was my birthday. Yay. I had a good time, but my best friend called me. She wished me well and knows what has been going on between me and my A boyfriend. He has recently quit drinking, so she inquired about it. Then she kept insisting that he had to go to AA. Giving me all this advice and insisting that he go. I tried to tell her that I would like that too, but it is up to him and nothing I say or do will make him go. She doesn't get this and makes me feel like it is my fault or that he is stupid for not going. It really honks me off.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
I felt drawn to respond to your post, not really knowing what is the right thing to say, I might ramble. I am terribly sorry that your experience with faith has been a terbulant one up to this point. I can see why you are leary. I was a very strong Christian a few years back but found myself tested in ways that broke me. I turned away from God because I was angry for what was happening in my life. Recently, my father found Christ and was determined to bring his children to the same spot he was in his life. Needless to say, I ended up jumping down his throat about pushing his faith on to the rest of us. That what he was actually doing was pushing us away. On my own terms I have started listening to a Christian radio station. The music is uplifting and brings a smile to my face. I have found a peace in this station that I haven't felt in a long time. That, however, doesn't mean that I am a bible thumper by any means. I haven't found myself sitting and reading the bible every day or even praying every day. But I do honestly believe that God (in whatever way you choose to look at it) is looking down on us and loving us unconditionally. I look at it this way, if I have nothing else in this world that I can believe in, I find comfort in knowing that. I don't know if my words are helpful or just irritating, but my heart wanted to reach out to you. No rooms to lock you in to, no drugs to administer, just unconditional love. That's what my God offers. I pray that you find peace in your life.
In my opinion, we cannot successfully work this program without a sponsor. A sponsor is simply someone who has benefitted from the 12 steps and can help you work through them yourself and reap the same benefits. A sponsor helps you learn how to utilize all the tools of this program in your daily life. I tried to work my own program when I first became involved with Al Anon and it simply wasn't possible for me. Once I got a sponsor everything fell into place and began to make sense. Working the steps was the best thing I could have done for myself.
As far as when to get one..........well, when do you want to start recovering? feeling better? That's when to get a sponsor. As for who to choose......look for someone who has what you want. Someone who's strong in their program. Someone who has found a way to have peace in their lives regardless of what their A is or isn't doing.
Regarding a Higher Power.......noone who has worked this program will (or should) try to push their *religion* on you. That is a personal choice and that is why it's reffered to as Higher Power instead of God. If you can get the Big Book of AA there is a chapter in their called We Agnostics that you may benefit from. It will help you understand how a Higher Power fits into your recovery without trying to forcefeed any particular God down your throat.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
