The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anyone ever just wished that their A would get killed in a drinking and driving crash and just get it over with. Of course not injuring anyone else. Or one of the times they pass out in the car...they would just freeze to death.
I think that what you are getting at is that if the A keeps up with the self destructive behavior there's a good chance they will die from it eventually. Sometimes I feel that if that is what is going to end up happening, I just wish that my A would get it over with so I can get through that and move on. Not that I would ever really wish for that to happen, but I think I understand what you are trying to say. I also think that you are desperate for a way for the heartache to end. Take care.
__________________
Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
It's very hard to do. I'm not fully there yet either. I don't know if I ever will be there. I just try to do my best day by day and hope that one of the tomorrows that comes will bring some hope. I've had moments on here too where something I read made me cry, but in a way I felt better after because it is reassuring to know that other people are going through the exact same feelings. It's nice to know that someone genuinely "gets" how you are feeling.
It really doesn't hurt to cry either. A good cry can do a person good. It can release a lot of tension and I know I feel a little better after a good cry.
My doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication for me which has really helped. I only take it when I need it, so if I have a good day, I don't take it. I have spent years thinking that I didn't need anything and that I could deal with everything on my own, but things got so bad a little while ago I decided I needed to do something. I had so much anger, anxiety and resentment. I could hardly function as a mother. I was taking my bad moods out on my kids...yelling at them for no reason at all. I was getting obsessive about cleaning my house (I had to have it totally clean all the time, everything in it's place. If something wasn't where it was supposed to be, I'd yell at whoever put it there). I guess my obsession with keeping the house clean is probably just me needing to have control over SOMETHING. But seriously, if you are having trouble dealing with things talk to your doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed about. I am so glad I did. It has made a huge difference in how I feel and react to things.
Try to keep things in perspective too, it's the addiction that you want killed, not the person suffering from the addiction. If it was possible to just kill the addiction I think a lot of us would be murderers. Take care and remember that you have friends here to support you. (((((2D1S)))))
-- Edited by Jayda at 01:41, 2006-02-02
__________________
Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
Sure......I can remember having thoughts like that many times years ago while I lived in the middle of the insanity that alcoholism brings. I wanted the pain to just...plain....stop. But it didn't....and while there were never any accidents that resulted in death.....the insanity only got worse as the years went on.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. Without treatment, alcoholism will ALWAYS get progressively worse. For those of us who have lived with the alcoholic, we find ourselves more and more drawn into the insanity of the dis-ease. And without help, our fear, resentments, anger, worry, etc will increase until we are consumed with thoughts of how to make it all stop.
When an Al-Anon said to me I could live happy, joyous and free regardless of weather the Alcoholic was drinking or not.......I thought they were nuts......lol. Recovery is a journey of progress and not perfection. The step work helped me understand.....me. I don't know if you attend meetings, but if you don't, maybe you could find one to attend. There are lots of great folks in those meetings who will understand you, there will be lots of free literature to take home and read. I can tell you that this program.....saved my life. ((hugs))
Yes, I used to fantasize about him dying - I couldn't see any other way for the nightmare to end. To me, now, that is a sign of the disease in me. The idea of his death was easier for me to face than the idea of leaving him - yup, that's sick.
There's another angle to this, too. Sometimes I feel resentment, still, about all the things that happened in the drinking years. I can make a list in my mind of all the things he did that were truly unforgivable, all the hell he put us through. Why, he sometimes, when drunk, threatened to kill me! How can I forgive that? Then I remember all the times I wished he would die. Is it any different? Mostly, the reason I never said it aloud to him was that I was afraid of him. He at least had the excuse of being drunk when he said these things - what is my excuse? This leads me to the realization that no matter what HE did or does, I am still responsible for what I do. It also makes me wonder if, when he was saying and doing those horrible things, he was in as much despair as I was, and just wishing for a way for the pain to stop. From what I hear from sober A's, I think he was.
I have thought about that more times than I care to admit. I figured if he would just die, everything would be better. You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that someone else feels that way too.
Of course! I've prayed to God for him to just take away my A's suffering, to take him instead of another innocent life or child. But for some reason, he's still here, causing me torment and misery.
