The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do I get through these nights? The lying and sneaking...I can't stand it. How do I ignore it? How do I get rid of the hurt and anger. How do I not be irritable? If I just need a break from my kids because I am boiling over but can't leave because no one is here and no one can come over. Just saying some dumb prayer to myself and stating that he is an "A" does nothing to releave the anger. The kids are fighting and I am irritable makes a really bad mix. I used to throw dishes privately (away from the kids) in the garage to help when I felt really angry. I am normally a very calm person but my "A's" lying and sneaking gets to me in seconds. No one I know ever answers their phone in the evening and so I am alone. I usually do well if I can talk to someone immediately when I feel this way. My family and friends are sick of hearing it so they probably don't answer on purpose. Sometimes I would just put the kids in the car and go driving because this seemed to work...but family criticized me doing this so I don't anymore. It seems that no one thinks I am allowed to express any type of anger. I am suppposed to hold it all inside and pretend it isn't there. This is usually what I do, but it comes out later on.
I usually go into the chat and let it out or just take part in whatever is going on in there. It is comforting to me just to know that someone out there gets what I am feeling. I have even gone in at 3 or 4 in the morning, remember that means it is daytime somewhere else.
Have you gone to a f2f yet, if so, try to get phone numbers, people really will listen that understand.
Glad you found us here, it has been such a comfort to me.
go back to the main page and then there is a link to go into the Alanon Meeting Room, click that and it should take you there, there will be directions as to how to log into the room. It is open all of the time, but there are set times for meetings. You can get a schedule. A f2f is a face to face alanon meeting, do you have any in your area, you can also get a schedule for that.
we do have them but dont have child care. they have a few that provide care but I cant teach a stranger about my sons feeding tube (a nurse had to show me) so there has to be someone we know stay with my son. people don't have time anymore...they are too busy with their lives but they call and check in every other day.
Is your son in school, maybe you could rearrange your work schedule a bit to take your lunch and hit a daytime meeting? I know that they are not as frequent, but are available at some places. Keep reaching out here, HP works in amazing ways, you never know through whom He will work. If you are at home, there is a daytime and nighttime meeting in the chat room during the week. I think they are at 9. Check the schedule, or put a post in asking for it.
"Sometimes I would just put the kids in the car and go driving because this seemed to work...but family criticized me doing this so I don't anymore."
One thing we learn in this program is to not worry so much about what people think about our actions. We learn to keep our noses out of their business, and to ignore their interference in ours. If going for a drive helps you, do it. YOU are the boss of your life.
I remember reading in some alanon book, one woman used to dig in her garden when angry with her husband - it was useful and got rid of all that negative energy. She said that over the years she had dug enough to bury him many times over!
my son is a baby! I am hoping one night to be able to get all the kids in bed so I can join at 9pm. They are all little so the routine takes a long time
Aww, sweetie, I have been where you are right now! How on earth can I get thru this mess? Why would anyone want to listen to MY problems, when they have problems of their own? Why on earth would they answer the phone when I call, surely they don't want to hear me ramble on and on? You WILL get thru this, I assure you. It is such a difficult situation to be in, to feel all alone, lonely, like the world is against you, nothing is fair, you don't deserve this, why do you have to have this happening in your life, you didn't ask for this. I've asked the very same questions. How can saying "it's just the disease" help me not lose my sanity, for God's sake?!!!
I don't know how to tell you it will be okay, for I've not had a baby with medical needs to tend thru throughout all of the crap I dealt with. It certainly is NOT fair, you certainly did NOT ask for this, and you absolutely DO NOT deserve this! But for now, it is what it is, and you must, for your sake and your kids' sake, get a handle on your sanity, however you go about it. If that means taking them out driving, like you said you used to do, then by all means do it. YOU are responsible for finding your OWN sanity, not your family or friends. Who are they to criticize you for trying to find a little peace?
I remember when I was married to my ex-husband. Although he didn't drink, he was a "dry" drunk - the alcoholic behavior was there minus the alcohol. He was a liar, controlling, manipulative, angry. He changed bank accounts, and had only HIS name on it, didn't tell me about it, and I found out by accident one day. He left me at home with my daughter, then an infant/toddler, while he worked, travelled with his work, and went out to eat with the company's reps. I was at home, no money, no car that worked, and a child to tend to. I was going nuts! She was such a handful, and I thought I would lose my mind. Having no outlet for the stress was driving me insane. I remember, just to get out, I would take the car (when it WAS running, lol) and go driving. He, of course, would be gone at the time, as he always was...volunteer fireman, meetings, work, family, farming, whatever. He absolutely thought there was nothing wrong in our family. Even tho he was not an alcoholic, my life was miserable! The one thing that I did finally do was join an aerobics class, at only 12.00 per month. And you know what? He got pissed at that, and said, "why can't you just exercise at home with a video?" We got into an argument about that...isn't that ridiculous? He had a great job, an engineer, but he was only concerned about himself, and wanted me at home, ignorant, not having a life or identity of my own, tending to our daughter, without a car or money, barefoot and pregnant, while he was having his own life. He even had his secretary deposit his check from work into his "new" account. He would NEVER bring it home for me to see...I had no clue about what his income was. He said this was because the bank was in town near his work, and if he was out of town it could get deposited without me having to drive the 40 min. to his work to get it. Yeah, right. It was all about control, control, control.
My point is this...(or long story short, lolol)...I had to find an outlet for myself, to keep my own sanity intact, or I would surely have been institutionalized! I did consider that, going to a mental hospital. It would have been peaceful, and they would have tended to ME, instead of me tending to everyone. If your outlet is taking the kids out driving, then forget what anyone else says about that. This is your sanity, and it is very precious. You do what YOU have to do to make yourself healthy.
You are in my prayers, sweetheart, and I hope you keep coming her to post. You are worth it, and you deserve peace of mind and sanity. Please come to the chat room, anytime, to talk, if you need to. If you have trouble getting in, post it here and someone will try to help you.
Oh I SOOOO know how you feel. Why is it that we are not "allowed" to get angry?!
Maybe you can start a journal. I started one and after the A has passed out or fallen asleep and I can't sleep because I'm so upset I just write down my feelings or what he said etc. It helps just to get it out.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} to you - I think we are both in the same boat - verbal abuse.
I can't offer you any advice, but I can say that I feel for you. It is awful when you are feeling so angry and feel like you have no way to express it. Or you end up lashing out at people who didn't do anything because the anger justs bursts out of you. Don't be afraid to get some numbers at your f2f meetings. If you don't feel comfortable going, you can have mine. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to listen and not think you are crazy. I know what you are going through with your child. My cousin has had a feeding tube since he was born (Three months premature, they said he wouldn't make it. He is 6 now.) I know the toll that takes on the parents. Like life isn't hard enough. My mother always tells me, "this too shall pass". And it will. But I am wishing you well until it does.
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