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Well, it has been one hell of a month!!! I knew something had been up, but I couldn't put my finger on it, finally last Tuesday he came home totally high--so much so he was paranoid--if I wasn't so upset about it I would have been laughing. (He was hearing noises.) I just kept thinking--you actually pay someone to feel this way???!!! Anyway, so of course he was remorseful, tired of the disease kicking him in the butt. So he made a meeting WEds., 2 on Thurs., none Fri., but Sat. was b-day night so we both went, missed Sun. Then this week started. I really don't know about Mon.(using that is, I know he didn't make a meeting), then came yesterday.
He wasn't home when I got home, so I assumed I knew where he was--using. I called him and he said he was on his way home, would be home in about 5 min. Well he was---eyes bloodshot, but relatively sane. Anyway-he had taken the dog to the vet because he was really ill, I asked about that, asked what he had done at work. He told me the time he had gone to work and told me how long he had worked (without me asking) so I asked what happened to the time that had lapsed. He just looked at me puzzled. So I asked him where he got the money. I had given him my credit card, so he could pay for the vet--the vet didn't use the card. So I asked him how he had gotten the money. He said "what money, for what". I said you know what.
So he did admit he used. I just smiled and shook my head, and gave him a kiss. I was upset, but I felt so good with myself, that I had the nerve to stand up to him and he had the nerve to not lie to me. He started to get up and walk away from me. I asked him where he was going. He just said never mind and came back to sit down. I told him I was going to go take care of my parents' animals. I left for about 15-20 minutes. When I got home he wanted to talk about it. We talked for over 2 hours.
I want him to go back to rehab. He doesn't want to--he is afraid it will be too hard to get another job when he gets back. I want him away from here so he has a chance at least getting it all out of his system. He agrees he needs to get away, so he wants to go to Taxidermy school for 6 weeks. Of course rehab and Tax. school both cost--money which we do not have. He claims he really won't learn anything new in rehab--he has already been and now he just needs to make sure he does what he learned to do. I said maybe, but they may help him figure out why he keeps going down that path and better ways to avoid it. But then again I can't tell him what to do.
Anyway--I'm not mad, I'm not really sad--today I am just here. He told me this morning, when you get home today, I'll be home and I'm going to really try to be sober. Then he asked me if I trusted him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or argue, so I just tried to avoid the question. So then he said of course you don't trust me I haven't given you anything you can trust in. I told him that was true, but I still had faith in him. I do think he is capable of beating this--if he worked extrememly hard, but right now with the drugs in him system and so easy to get I knew the monster has such a strong hold.
But today I have not obsessed about him, haven't even really wondered what he is doing. I'm just working. Doing my job. I hope I can feel like this all day.
I think that I had that same exact conversation with my A. I swear, word for word. He, too, did not want to go back to rehab, said been there, know what I need to do and just need to do it. But on the other hand also said that while he was there he was not being totally honest with himself or others. My thoughts were, sure, they may say the same exact things, but this time you might hear something different. Anyway, he did not go, instead went to an outpatient program which finishes up today.
I think part of my wishing he would go into a program was that I totally wish that I could too. Gosh, wouldn't it be great to go somewhere, anywhere for 28 days and focus just on me and my recovery, too bad it doesn't work that way. I also realize that I feel safe when he is in rehab, not physically but emotionally. I do not have to obsess over whether or not he is using or drinking when he is in rehab, one less thing for me to think about. With all that in mind, I guess that some of my motivation for pushing for rehab was/is selfish, although I do really believe that it would have been the right thing for him to do. But he didn't and that is his choice. Just wanted to let you know that I know right where you are at... You are not alone...
YEAH!!!! Thank you for reminding me of that feeling! It is the coolest feeling I have felt in the last 7 years. There is something inside that says acceptance. It's all over the way you handled the whole situation. That acceptance will help us in so many ways.
