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Last week my husband and I had a HUGE fight over his drinking. He ended up sitting in a bar all day Thursday (he's laid off from work) and getting sloppy drunk. Of course, he drove home like that. Anyway, we talked on Friday and I told him I would be filing for divorce if he continued drinking. He said he was sorry and drank Pepsi most of the day. He had some beer later, but he didn't get drunk. Last night, after I picked up my son and got home around 6pm, he was on his way to getting drunk again. After I dropped my son off with his dad for the night, he said he wanted us to go out. I said I can't go out on a weekday. He said that he thought maybe I could use a little fun. What it comes down to is that he was craving the bar and thought he could get by with going if I went with him. I asked him if he was drunk and he denied it. I asked him why his eyes were bloodshot and why he was slurring his speech and he started to make fun of my college degree. He said since I went to college, I was analyzing (sp?) him. I then tried to talk calmly about getting divorced and he sneered "why are you being so nice?". I told him there was no reason to get nasty about it. He didn't have a clue what I was saying. I told him I was tired of him getting drunk and making fun of my degree. He said he never said anything about my degree and I told him he said something five minutes ago. Then I told him he's such a drunk he probably doesn't remember it. Then the screaming began and he always has to trash my little boy. He makes fun of my son because when he's scared he climbs into bed with me. I told him that at least my little boy didn't wet the bed. He denied that he does that. He wets the bed at least once a week because he's drinking. I then told him he was disgusting and a drunk. Now here's what really gets me, he started to yell how he has to do everything for everyone and I can't do anything for him. He said I will do everything for a seven year old, but nothing for my own husband. I asked him what he meant. He said I wouldn't even go out with my own husand when he wanted me to. I told him I have to WORK the next morning and I can't just roll myself out of bed any time I want like he does. He's laid off and I swear he sits in bars all day long. He gest up at 10 or 11 and starts drinking.He makes no effort to find out when he's going back to work or finding a temporary job. I know I handled this all wrong and made things worse than they needed to be. I'm so tired of his lies, his selfishness and most of all, trashing my son. When I met him, he told me he loved kids. That was a huge lie. He treated my son pretty good when we first met. Now that we've been married a year, his true selfish colors are coming out. I start fighting back when he says bad things about my son. Any ideas on how I can avoid a situation like this again? The hatred is getting so strong now that I've told my friends if anything happens to me, better have the police check him out. Any help would be appreciated!
I know it's soooo hard not to go off , but reality is it's a no win to fight with a drunk. They are irrational, will say things they don't mean etc. etc. He is attacking your degree and making comments about your son to keep the focus off of him. It's a normal manipulative tactic used by all alcoholics. If he turns the blame on you, he doesn't have to look at himself.
We have have a saying "You don't have to attend the fight" If you have something to say to him and truly want a divorce, catch him when he is sober. If you don't truly want a divorce, don't threaten it.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
I totally understand the frustration but getting involved in a big arguement only hurts you...they usually go and pass out or just continue drinking while you are fuming. Imagine yourself having a conversation and arguing with a bottle, cuz that's exactly what is happening.
Use the Alanon tools, go to meetings and detach from the insanity of alcoholism. Focus on yourself and your needs. You can't control anything he does.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Makes fun of your degree. He is attacking you because he is laid off, has not attended college. It's his self esteem he is pissed about.
Wants you to go out with him. My A loves to involve everyone in her drinking. The more abnormal behavior you surround yourself with, the more yours feels normal. (can apply so alanoners too, LOL)
Why are you being so nice? : He was looking for you to get mad. He was trying to push your buttons. He is feeling so low that getting you there makes him feel better.
Finally you caved and engaged. Check out my post from yesterday, you'll see that I know how hard it is not to. I think you did really well. It is especially hard when the kids get sucked in, to not engage.
Are you going to meetings yet? They will help you continue to grow. I still have slips but they usually aren't as bad or as long and at least now I'm aware of them. Again {{{{Lindy}}}} and kudo's for doing your best.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thank you so much. I will start my first meeting next week. I just want to learn how to not get wrapped up in his crap. I liked what you said "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean". I will try to remember that.
Oh Lindy....big hugs to you! This scenario you described was my life for so long! It is an long hard road being married to an A. I agree with all the other posts. Don't threaten divorce if you do not mean it and if you do mean it just do it. Like Dr. Phil says...what is worse than ending a bad marriage after one year? Ending it after 10 years!
Keep working the program...it will help you through this no matter what you decide!
I feel very badly that you're in this situation especially for your child, but it doesn't change UNLESS and only unless they fall so hard that they choose to help themselves or die in their own mess. I have been living with my husband for 16 yrs and have two boys , 13 & 7. I had a 7 year old son when we first married back in 1990 and I had the dream that he would finally have a father who cared about him. Well, it didn't last long. He didn't live w/ us too long. My husband was so controlling and mean to him. He played that nice, 'lets-be-friends' thing w/ my little boy, too, before we got married.. it all changed after the wedding.. I wound up giving my child up for adoption to my parents. I did it because I felt my son was better off away from my husband but I lost my child.. I chose the addict over my own child. What's worse that that? and for what? I went on to have two more children and now, they are also at the mercy of his drunken tirades and absences and spending any money that comes to him on himself. They don't really have a father figure either or even a good male example. I pray every day that they don't pick up any of his bad habits. I still have terrible remorse about my poor son who wound up being adopted by my parents. I mean, I basically chose to stay with my idiot husband than stay with him and that was wrong. That son is now 24 and has a lot of problems himself. I blame myself for staying in a situation that I shouldn't have been in in the first place. I never should have married him.. or got out the SECOND I knew of his addictions! My husband of 16 yrs has done nothing but get worse. He is out at the bar on the average of 5 days a week, for a good 12-15 hours at a time. He is on workman's comp for an injury now for 2 yrs, so he has PLENTY OF FREE TIME.. After bar closing, he has found himself a 'nice' group of people who do drugs and drink a lot, etc. that he hangs around with, playing cards & dice, etc. It is the 'norm' for him to come home anywhere between 4 and after 6 a.m. He also has a little gambling problem. He has done pot & cocaine before and lost a good job when he & two other work buddies were found on the job smoking pot. This was 11 yrs ago and he's not changed for the positive, he has gotten worse. I put up with verbal & emotional abuse from him and he does and goes wherever he pleases. I have no spouse. I mean, basically, I am the single mother but it's even worse because I sit and let him walk all over me and listen to the crap he deals to me. I am to the END of that, though, thankfully.. I have come to the realization that I am ALONE now and living through hell and putting my boys through it.. Get out while you can.. If you're living with this crap and it's only been ONE YEAR.. Please don't waste more of your time.. I did.. I wasted a good 16 years of my life. I'm 48 and will be on my own w/ my kids fairly soon. I'm working on it right now. Oh.. and you say about 'if something happens to you.." been there/done that.. he has threatened MANY times to 'do away with me' .. and I can't say I can't take his word for it. So, I have about six people or so that know about the threats.. so 'in case something happens to me' they'll know who to look at, too. But WHY WAIT and why take the chance that your son will lose his mother? You and your poor little one don't need to live like that.. He's innocent and has no choice.. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.. I know it's not easy and you want to believe so much that he'll change for the better. It hurts. But, please don't believe the lies that your husband tells you, or the I'm sorry's.. they aren't usually sorry.. Mine has NEVER ONCE said I'm sorry.. ever. They ARE SELFISH and the disease has overtaken them.. The only one who can help them out of that gutter is God Himself. You and your child need to get away from that. Don't listen with your heart when your husband comes back to try to get you back.. because it's a PLOY.. all the 'promises' fade quickly.. they get you back and are only 'good' for so long and then the whole thing not only goes back to what it was, it normally gets WORSE. It's not worth it.. Enjoy and value your life and give your little guy a chance at a good childhood.. Love yourself & love your child.. your husband is consumed with this evil demon called addiction and until there is a God-giving eye opener from Him to your husband, it won't change. God bless you.. you are not alone. ((Hugs to you and your son))
Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your little seven year old boy and giving him up to your parents. I can't imagine living without my little boy. I don't think I can have any more children so he is all I have. My beautiful mother who was my strength for everything has been gone for four years and I have no contact with my dad. He's a different kind of evil. I told myself I wasn't going to scream, fight, cry or anything more over this A. One day I will just be gone and he won't know what hit him. Of course the first thing he would do is head to the bar to drown his sorrows, but that's his problem and not mine. My little boy will always come before this slobbering drunk and I won't let him say mean things to him. I keep a record of all the things he says and does too. I'm getting out, it's just a matter of when I plan to make my move. I wish you the best of luck. I hope your boys can see happiness someday.
