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I was just wondering if anyone might be able to help me figure out what is going on. My A and I are separated, as many of you know. It was a decision I made when he was hospitalized in December. After he was released he went to stay at his Dad's, started and IOP and is going to meetings. He frequently asked about coming home and where I am in my decision. My response was I do not know. That I do know that I cannot go back to where I was, the insanity is too much. I said that I knew I was taking a risk, that he may choose to move on. Iguess that I intellectually knew that but am no where near ready to accept that emotionally and the last week I am finding myself having a really hard time. His actions and words are different, he is becoming quite distant, says that he is accepting each day that we may not be together. I told him that I thought he was working on his own sobriety and in time we could work on the marriage, First things first, but apparently with him it is a now or never deal. Sooooo,, now I am feeling lost again. I am sad all the time, not taking very good care of me. Feeling like I want to call him often, scared, well, I guess I am not feeling much different than when I was losing him to alcohol. And that is just it also, I have this pit in my stomach that he has picked up or is on the slippery slope of relapse.
This post is as confusing as my own thoughts. Sorry for that. I just know that never have I said that I want a divorce, I just wanted him to either choose sobriety or not, and then see where things go. Well, I am seeing how things go I guess and not feeling so good about it...How can his words, actions, moods change every day? I just do not get it and then I just go back to the thought that the whole thing is just a giant manipulation. How am I ever going to trust again, him, myself.? God, I hate this disease and how it has affected me!
Lynn, I totally understand your confusion. I am still with my A, but I remember feeling the same way you do the day he was released from treatment. It's been two years now and he has started drinking again. Not the Windsor, but this time it's beer. All the same old excuses, the same bottomless pit feeling in my stomach, the same arguments, just a different potion. I can't give you the right direction, because I'm still living it. It's amazing how we have come so accustom to living the disease with them. I can't walk out on mine, the situation is so very complicated.......but I do know that right before he was dx'd with cancer, I was ready to pack up the kids and run. All I can do know is put him in God's hands and maintain sanity for my children and myself. I am determined to not let him drag us down this time. Pouting was the behavior last night and we carried on like nothing was wrong. He woke up this morning in a much better state. It's a daily battle, but you'll get through it. Personally, I know that when he is gone, I will NEVER be involved in another relationship. Learned behaviors......my mother has had 3 A's in her life, I have had a past filled with addicts and now 18 years with this one. I will spend the rest of my life alone, a house full of pets (they don't drink) because I'm convinced I'm wearing a large neon sign flashing "if you're an addict, please see me"! I've only just started this sight, but I'm already seeing the strength that can be received from the others here. Stay the course, stay strong and keep talking.
You are not having one thought or emotion that I haven't had. You make so very much sense with all of your thoughts and feelings. Emotions everywhere........This awful disease is just plain hell, to live with or without him is the question I Have had for a very long time. Right now I'm in the situation of him just coming home from rehab. For me the questions is...do I want him here. So I am going to try one day at a time, slow and easy. Do what u think in your heart is best for you.
Living with this disease is so much work, stress and just life consuming. Think, pray and in time hope your answers come.
There probably is some manipulation going on there - he hasn't had time to learn new behaviours, and he may not really want to! The important part, for your own recovery, is not to manipulate back. Did you tell him you needed this time apart because you really felt you needed it, or because you thought it would help him work on his sobriety? I find that if I am honest with myself, I often have a little 'hidden agenda' - sometimes I even do it subconciously, but am trying to stop.
As long as you focus on YOU - what you need, what you want from your life, you will end up being OK. I can't tell you in which WAY they will be OK, this program saves lives, not necessarily marriages. You know that you don't want what you had - moving forward, to a healthier you, can only be good in the end.
I identify with how you are feeling. When I was pregnant with my boys my "a" and I were seperated. I chose to move in with my brother's family to keep the stress level down during my pregnancy. My "a" was active in meetings and trying to stay clean. He constantly asked me to get another place together. If I only knew then what I know now. His heart was not into sobriety at the time, he just wanted the comforts of a nice place to live and someone there to take care of things. I did that for him, I took on too much of his stuff; which has ultimately caused resentments in both of us. I should have waited longer but I wanted a place of my own to bring my children home to, so I caved and allowed him back in the home. I can remember having this achy feeling in the pit of my stomach when we were apart. I was more worried about his sobriety than he was. All that worry about him affected me, my mood was sullen and depressed, I was more tired than I should have been, and I ate lots of comfort foods to anethtize the pain; which I'm paying for now. I found it hard to let go, but then again being wrapped up in his program instead of mine did not help the situation. I regret not allowing myself to let go and let God... So, stay strong and as difficult as I know it must be for you to do right now, focus on you. I'm learning the same thing now, and it's scary, but we can get through this. Take care
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
