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I'm sitting here waiting to take the 13 yo to school. It's 12:25 and the wife can be home by 12:05. She walks in the door with beer and Mikes hard whatever. I told her, I'm waiting to talk our daughter to school and your finding time to get alcohol? She says she didn't know that she needed to come home cause I didn't call her. OK, I didn't think I had to, she might have something on there.
I'm kinda fed up and I expressed it. I ended up raising my darn voice too saying LET ME FINISH. I'm tired of it. She doesn't go to any of my son's basketball or baseball games saying she doesn't like them. This is after she told him she can't go during the week nights because she is tired. There have been 2 weekend games since then and she hasn't gone too.
At work between a combination of her supposedly not being able to lift donut racks and or mop and her requesting earlier hours before, she now works at 6AM. If she takes the car, we have no way for me to get my kids to school when they miss the bus. These hours allow her to drink earlier. She has no desire or want to change them. She has given me a hard time about about her waiting at work for me to pick her up after 'therapy' (which is my alanon meeting, don't bother fighting over that).
Well today I lost it and said if you don't care about being available for you kids why don't you go get a room at the motel in down where all the alchies go when they have no place else. You can walk to work form there 100ft and you can walk to the grocery store, and the doctors too. She said why don't you just file papers. I asked, well are you going to fight me and cost us thousands or can we make this easy. Also, I want the house until the kids move out. After that time, I'll sell it and give you cash. Your not a mother now, the least you can do is allow your children to keep their roof over their heads.
I then had to take my daughter to school go to school to meet w/ them regarding truancy charges being filed upon us.
I come home and she says she will not become homeless so that I can keep the house. I exaplained that her choice of housing was up to her. She could get another job and find a place. Then she asked me why I haven't helped her with getting her stuff together for her license.
She lost her imigration paperwork. In NJ you now have to have all the documentation of name changes. The form is $200 to file. She finally went on the web and got the form downloaded. She has been asking me for months to help her find a place for a passport photo. A couple of months ago she handed me the phone book for something else and it was on the page for....yup Passport photos. I told her that I told her months ago that the places are listed in the phone book. She continued to ask me to help her find them. Today she asked me for the $200 for the form for the Naturalization. I told her I don't have it.
Well, of course it's all my fault that her license is going to expire tomorrow. She said I have to be prepared to drive her everywhere. That she'd make me. She even asked me for the receipt for my birthday present (which she still owes me money for, hahaha) so she can return it and get her form.
She claims that she has given me most of the money she has made. She has given me over $300 for xmas which was a welcomed and pleasant surprise. She did spend like $360 on my birthday present even though she owes me $60 back on it. Plus she owes me
Ugh....I really did bring this bs upon myself today by losing my temper a bit. I just gave her an excuse to fester on stuff while I was at the school meeting (gee why didn't she attend.)
Then I get things going through my head like if she drives, should I call the cops on her. But that is not letting her suffer her own natural consequences.
And if that wasn't enough drama for one day, she then turns around and says, I bet if I turned around and tried to hurt myself again that you wouldn't care. I asked her if that was a threat, she said to take it however I wanted to. So I called the doctor. They said I could try to bring her in there or into the hospital. I asked her if she needed to go to see her doctor and she got in my face for talking to her doctors again and that she wasn't thinking of it.
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
As I read your story bells went off everywhere in my head. Your post expresses very similar aggravations in my life with my A too.
All I can say is that when I stopped myself from being my A's crutch and let him stagger (and sometimes fall) on his own, my life did gain a great deal more sanity and peace. For me, that meant separating financially.
My favorite alanon slogan: "A closed mouth gathers no feet!!"
Another favorite alanon slogan: "Just cause you got a ticket to the fight doesn't mean you have to attend!!!"
Thirdly, even if your wife moves out, nothing will change!!! The reason I say that is because all the anger and resentment is yours bump!! All this stuff you are angry about towards your wife is piddly stuff!!! There is something deeper in side of you bump that you gotta deal with and that's BUMP!!! Ain't nothing gonna change until Bump changes!!! Love in Recovery, get your ass to a meeting!!! SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
I would not be beating myself up so much for losing temper, as for having expectations. Alcoholics drink. Alcoholics are unreliable. Alcoholics put drinking, being hungover, and sitting around feeling sorry for themselves over their obligations to others. This is what they DO. There is no point in being disappointed when it happens.
It really helps to have a Plan B in place, so you don't need to depend on the A. Is it possible for the kids to walk to school when they miss the bus, for instance, (great consequence, if it is) or could the morning schedule be tweaked so there is plenty of time? Bicycles, public transit - I don't know how things are where you live, but I bet there are other options if you look for them. The problem is of course, that when we are focused on what others *should* be doing, we don't look for the options. (Ask me how come I know this so well - go ahead, ask me!)
Hello Bob , yup a closed mouth gathers no feet , heard it yrs ago . gotta love it Bob
One of the biggest misakes I made was expecting my husb to act normally while still drinking , it ain't gonna happen . Actually dosent always happen is sobriety either hehe.
As for her new work hrs . why are the kids missing the bus anyway maybe time to put alittle responsibility on them for a change. They know what time the bus leaves so it's up to them to be ready on time so no one is inconvienced.
Perhaps she can find a co worker to pick her up if she can't drive . That was her job to look after her own imigration stuff, but helping her figure it out wouldnt hurt either, but it seems to me u did by pointing out the phone numbers and directing her to putor to download the papers needed. The rest was her job.
She said she dint know that u needed her home early she has a point , no one is amind reader next time let her know so tht it dosent happen again. I know this is frustrating but having expectations of a practicing A is just way too frustrating for me . I had to give it up.
When we react we say hurtful things such as suggesting she change her residence those are fighting words Bob and solve nothing. bye goodluck Louise
I am sorry you have to go through all this......when things are tough I try to tell myself I am right where I am supposed to be when I'm there...........LOL it's kind of fun to say too!!!! There were so many times in the past, and even now that I just want off the dang merry go 'round. Work on you......be gentle with yourself, remember the three C's. This program only works if you work it. You are doing a great job as a parent and reconginizing that you have faults too! Hang in there. Set firm boundaries and stick to them!!!
sorry you are going through so much...they never do actually take responsibility do they? Always someone else's fault...sorry you are beating yourself up...they know what buttons to push don't they? I want to rant and rave and scream at my father, everyday I think of him....and just get plain everyday mad. Mad at myself for allowing him to get to me..and mad for not detaching...wow...double anger. And its the 3 cs...but somehow it does get to me....You are doing great with the kids..keeping them in control and keeping boundries...sad, but true, these As are prime manipulaters....how do they do that..and how we learn that they are doing that to us...Hang in there Bob, you know what's it's all about...and that you are only human too..and keep that in mind, and don't be so hard on you..take care of you..get yourself a coffee, an ice cream, candy bar..and just sit down and enjoy for yourself..You are worth it...She needs to take responsibility for herself, and for when the kids need the car for school...alcohol is going to have to take the rear seat...and kids first and formost..easy said than done..hang tough..and take it that you are in control of you..and caring for those kids...hang in there...prayers offered your way, kat
So Sorry to hear the problems you are facing with your A. As hard as it was for me Bob the screaming, yelling and fighting made things much worse. She is not going to go to a game or help with the kids to busy being an A. That takes all the time in the world.
Hope you are feeling calmer, take care of the kids Bob. Afterall, sounds like you are all they have.
Love in Recovery, get your ass to a meeting!!!
SenoraBob
