The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week was so horrible I was on this board a lot. I printed out some articles on how to tell if someone is a drunk and I underlined a bunch of it and put it on the coffee table where my laid off alcoholic husband could see if when he finally rolled himself out of bed on Friday morning/afternoon. I threatened him with divorce again on Friday. I told him I was meeting with a lawyer (which wasn't true). He got scared and has not been drunk since Thursday night. I've been on this rollar coaster ride so many times. I know he's going to get drunk again...it' s only a matter of time. On Friday when I came home from work around 1pm, he was drinking Pepsi and apologizing to me. He didn't have any beer until 4pm (usually he starts at 11am or earlier). The weekend was the same way. I can almost actually see him CRAVING a beer around 11am, but he's afraid to have one because I'll get upset. When he thinks things are calm and the divorce threat is over, he'll go right back to where he is. Then we'll have another blow-up, I'll threaten divorce, he will likely make a comment how his ex-wife used to threaten divorce all the time until he finally left her, there will be screaming again etc. Then it will be calm again. I keep going through this over and over. He won't admit he has a problem. He made his ex-wife sound so horrible and now I know why she was always threatening divorce. She was going through the same crap! I've never met her, but I'm so tempted to contact her and get the REAL story on what happened there. Is anyone else always going through this cycle? Any ideas on what to do? I'm so glad I have this board to go to.
Someone gave me a list of "DO's and Don'ts" They have been helping me.
DO"S
Forgive; be honest with yourself; be humble; take it easy-tension is harmful; play-find recreation and hobbies; Keep ontrying whenever you fail; learn the facts about alcoholism; attend al-anon meetings; pray
DON'TS
be self righteous; try to dominate, nag, or scold ; complain (except to us )' lose your temper; try to push anyone but yourself; keep bringing up the past; keep checking up on your alcoholic; wallow in self pity; make threats you don't intend to carry out; be over protective; be a doormat.
I am a member of the roller coaster club myself. I try to attend to most of the "do's and don'ts" that are suggested through/in al-anon. I have not however found a way to not do the roller coaster thing. Some days I think I'm o.k., I can and will deal with my a in a healthy and loving way. The next I think I can't make it through one more day. (Sometimes it isn't days sometimes it's minutes.)
The disease is SOOOOO big! It is so consuming if we let it be. I do get tired of the fight for my sanity--but the alternative is absolutely no good!
You need to find the boundaries you can deal with--I say this knowing this really is hard to do, for I have yet to really get my backbone and say this is what I want and if you can't or won't respect my boundaries then these are the consequences. I'm hoping to find that soon, before I get the point where I honestly don't care anymore and don't want to work at it.
This board is a great place to be! There are many loving and caring people here who will listen and give you their two cents. Welcome, and I hope you find the encouragement and support you need.
one thing about boundaries..........keep em or the alkie won't respect them...........if i "threaten" something??? i do it!! or i don't threaten!!! AND, if he doesn't want to get into recovery???? there is nothing u can do but take care of u, detach from his drinking, let him suffer his own consequences, i kept all my money i earned in my own bank accout...my car was in MY name, i kept MY stuff in MY name.......no doubt, his EX got sick of it and left.......i guess the pain hasn't gotten bad enuf for the alkie, bcuz when the pain gets BAD enuf, they drag themselves into recovery....b4 that??? i just let them suffer the consequences....i don't help ANY of the alkies in my family.....i totally detach.....NO enabling them at all...................just my take, rosie
My life exactly.. I have been doing the rollercoaster ride for 16 yrs. It's no fun and there's no thrill, though I keep thinking I must be too scared to get off the ride.. because I'm still riding.. I am a very 'forgive/forget' kind of person, I guess you could say.. pretty easy-going. I should probably rephrase that.. I don't really 'forget' -- I stuff it and try to move on.. a brand new day/a brand new start.. thing is, it doesn't take long before that attitude leaves me on the downslope, crying, praying hard, threatening, screaming at my A to try to make him stop the behaviors. This disease IS BIGGER THAN ANY ONE OF US. I have tried 'controlling' the situation of my husband's drinking and bar bouncing all the time.. I mean, my husband is out on the average 5 days/nights a week and doesn't come home usually until 5 or 6 a.m. I'm talking a good 14-18 hours out at a time, on the average.. Believe me, I did my share of crying, waiting up for him in order to pounce on him when he walked through the door, etc. It DOES NOTHING to them. All you do is make yourself sick, more paranoid and lose sleep! There are times he will 'play along' and be 'good' for only so long until he feels you are 'getting over it' and then, wham, the whole thing is BACK AGAIN. Threats REALLY DON'T matter .. unless you follow through. I have a problem following through.. I would rather close my eyes, shake my head and make the problem disappear.. and make everything brand new.. It just doesn't work that way, though. Until you can step back (which I have to admit is something I'm still working on), and separate yourself from the thing that is overtaking your A, it will drag and pull you down. I find myself feeling like that person who jumps in to save the drowning person.. and then once you're in there, trying so hard to save, they are thrashing about so much that they wind up pulling you down into the water with them. It's best to step back.. way back.. Let them travel that rollercoaster ride alone as much as possible and pray that they find the bottom--the dirt bottom-- where there's only one way to go .. UP! God is the ONLY ONE who can fix the person with the drinking addiction. You have to let go.. and if it's too difficult to do that while living with them, you need to physically separate yourself to 'save' yourself.. There's a possibility that they will get to their bottom, admit the problem & desire real change. It's a tough disease. Very tough.. God bless you and make some positive changes for YOURSELF.
)' lose your temper; try to push anyone but yourself; keep bringing up the past; keep checking up on your alcoholic; wallow in self pity; make threats you don't intend to carry out; be over protective; be a doormat.