The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to be able to just say that my husband is a drunk and then just pretend like he doesn't exist. But how do I do that and go on about my days when my daughter can't even have a sleepover with her friends at our house because I never know if or what kind of shape my A will come home in. I can't take the risk that I would expose someone else's child to something bad. And I worry (and so does my daughter) that she will have to field questions as to why her dad never came home. I don't want to teach her to lie. I don't make excuses for my husband...I learned that a long time ago. But it "does" affect the family in huge ways. We can't have a normal life when I have to be so careful that someone else's child doesn't get mixed up in our situation. I am constantly trying to make sure that my daughter's friend's parents don't find out about my A husband. I am fearful that they would no longer let there child come over and play with my daughter. I would feel the same way if I were in there shoes.
hi, welcome, there are no easy answers I am sorry to say. Your husband is very sick and you can do nothing for him.
Alanon teaches us how to care for ourselves. We have to allow them to deal with their disease.
Children are so precious. The decision is up to you.
gads i will write more later, not feeling good here. just want ya to not give up on us here. sometimes we have to think on things some before we respond.
Hi, welcome. All I can tell you is how it worked for me. I was another who very often did not do what I wanted, didn't in fact have a life, because I didn't see how I could stop for even a few minutes taking care of everybody. I didn't find alanon until after my husband sobered up. One of the main reasons was that I couldn't figure out how to go to meetings - it was too late on a school night to take the kids with me, even if they were welcome, which they really weren't. It was too late to take them to someone else's house - by the time we got home it would be 9:30 or later, and then getting to bed...nope that wouldn't work. I couldn't get a babysitter - what if my husband came home drunk? How could I expose some teenage babysitter to that? So, I did nothing, except try to grab some sanity all by myself - isolated, alone, and carrying the responsibility for the whole world on my shoulders.
Now, when I look back at myself, all I can think is "If I had put anywhere near as much priority on taking care of myself as I did on taking care of everybody else, I would have found a way."
Reading this post, and your previous one, I can see how much you are wishing for something better in your life. I can also see how you just don't see how your life can get any better while you continue to make sure that no one else, your children especially, pays any price. Sometimes, you need to trust. Sometimes you need to do what is necessary, and trust that you will be able to deal with the uncertain future that comes next. Sometimes you need to take baby steps. moving in a new direction, and just let go. What I have found in my life is that making a change, and taking a direction, does not often work out the way I thought it would. The perils that I had prepard for never happened, instead something else, totally unexpected, did.
In your case, in practical terms that probably means taking small steps towards letting go of some of the consequences of your husband's drinking. It may mean something like letting your daughter bring a friend or two on a 'girl's only' camping trip to a nearby park. It may mean giving your husband some responsibility for the kids and seeing how he REALLY behaves, rather than how you fear he will. It may mean leaving him. I don't know. You don't, really, know. You and your family are probably not ready for big changes, but I bet there is a small change that you can make right now today. Try that, and everything else will shift just a little around it. Then, take the next step. We say in alanon - 'just do the next right thing'. Sometimes that's all we can do.
You are very welcome here. Maybe your next right thing is as small (or as big!) as continuing to come here and tell how you really feel. Your posts really touched me because it is so much the way it used to be for me.
Hello, I really haven't been in Alanon long enough to give any advice. I am a grown daughter of an A and a mother of one. I am in therapy and what I am dealing with right now is the insecurity that I felt growing up and how it is affecting my daily living. Although my mom only did what she knew how to do, with 5 kids and no job, I feel somewhat resentful that all of our lives revolved around my dad and his drinking. What hit me the most in your post was about having friends over. If I had a friend over I was very anxious all the time because I did not know how my dad would come home. As a young child it is very shameful and embarrasing to have a dad like that. None of my friends had dads like that. What was wrong in my family? Nobody ever explained to me that this was an illness. I guess back then, as I am 52 years old now, it was hidden more. It was more shameful. How I wish I knew then and could comprehend what I know now. I could have had so much more compassion for my dad. My son has separated from his wife and 2 small children because of his A-ism. So far they have not been exposed alot to it because he left before it got bad. My daughter-in-law is able to tell the children that daddy is sick and needs to live with nana & pop-pop. They all pray for daddy every night before they go to bed. How wonderful it would have been to have that when I was growing up. So, I cannot say whether or not you should leave your marriage but I can say that I would try to make my children feel the security they need to feel in their young lives and communicate to them about the disease in an age appropriate way. Children need to know that they did not do anything to cause this, they do not need to be ashamed and they need to be protected against anything that could cause them anxiety or trauma.I like what Oprah says "When you know better, you do better"
The problem I have is that I never know what nights my husband will decide to come home so I can't have my daughter plan a night out such as a camping trip. When I ask him then he often doesn't show up (as I know most A's do this) and then the plan is out the window. This has happened so many times. I don't have much family here to help and my friends have their own life without kids. One of them spends most of her free time "going out" to the bar. The support and people around me are very few. I have been trying to find people to ask about baby sitters...even called our church and asked if I could put an ad in the bulletin (I was told they don't do this.) I don't know many people with kids, but continue trying to find them. It always seems people have their own circle of friends and they don't seem very receptive to anyone new. My in laws are of no help and some of the worst enablers! My mother in law actually gave her car to my husband when he was having an affair and let him leave his at her house (to make it look like he was staying there.) They also shut off their phone...because they "don't want to hear" anything bad about their son (which is why I obviously need the help.) Money is also an issue and I can't afford a babysitter (if I found one) due to my son's medical bills.
I often feel so trapped in a box. I want to do things for myself like go back to school and finish my degree. I don't have the money for tuition and my loans were taken away due to not finishing a few classes when my son's medical problems began. I have to pay for one of the loans in order to reenroll back in school. I also wouldn't have the money for daycare while I was in class. All I can do is continue to search for a way. I want so much to have a life of my own. Only right now it revolves around my kids and what they need.
With so few resources to help...it makes it very difficult. I try and take advantage when ever my mom comes into town to atleast take my oldest child out for a few hours alone. She is the one who has been the most affected by my A's behavior. Unfortunately, this only happens about once in 6 mon.
My daughter has commented to me many times that she wished she had a normal daddy like her friends. My response is that it is up to him to change...not us! She is so bright...not even a double digit age and she gave me a talk about "free will."
One thing most of us have found - always have a "Plan B", so you don't have to depend on the A for anything. This disease tends to isolate us, so we have few resources and few sources of support. However, once we take charge of our lives, things do tend to fall into place - not perfectly, but well enough. I was always amazed at how my life would open up when I would take a step - learn how to do something that I had always depended on my husband to do, for instance.
I would never ask anyone for help - didn't know them well enough, didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to allow anyone else into my life in case they saw what my life was really like. Whenever I did open up to others tough, it would be OK. Of course, OK was seldom good enough for me! Perfect was what I wanted.
Do what you can - every step helps. If your son's medical problems are such that he can't be left alone at all, and can't come along on outings, then you may be able to get some respite help from social services.
We don't qualify for respite hours unfortunately. If I went back to school then my son could go to a special needs daycare and the insurance will pay. But that doesn' t help when I can't afford care for my other 2 children. I have been round and round with ideas for options. The small amount of people that are around me don't want to stay with my kids because they aren't comfortable with the medical needs or my ADHD child. I always seem to find "half" ideas but there are always factors than have no answers. I can make a plan with my A and if it doesn't work out then there usually aren't any resources for a plan B. Most people have told me that they can help in other ways such as picking up medication or diapers when the A doesn't follow through but none of them are comfortable with child care. It is so frustruatiing. Unfortunately, my only sibling has trouble with Meth and isn't someone I can count on either. We are really stuck and I keep hoping that a miracle door will open! I would love to go to work but can't because I have to be available to get the kids to school and my child with medical issues to therapy and drs. appts. Plus, my child with med. issues is on state insurance because he doesn't qualify anywhere else. If I go to work (and with my A's income) we would be over the limit and lose the state ins. I want a life of my own and "if only" my A was not an A then maybe I could have more doors open. Also, most people I know want to stay out of our mess and they don't want to get caught in anything. They don't really want to be here incase my A comes home drunk. I guess I don't blame them. People like to help me from a far! I have been using all my resources up just to get to marriage counseling every other week.
One time we went to counseling my father (who has had drinking issues of his own) shook my daughter when she was misbehaving. It caused such a ruckus at my house with my oldest that I finally had to count him out for child care. Which worked out okay because he told me later that he would "not" stay with my kids again. He said "he is the wrong person for that."
