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I am new here and really glad to have found this site. I have been trying to attend meetings but due to lack of assistance/support and a child with medical problems...I often don't have anyone to stay with my child. I have purchased a bunch of the materials and have read them all. I have been disappointed with the meetings I have attended and they were not what I was looking for. I really wanted to hear other peoples stories so that I could feel like I wasn't alone. I was reading other people's posts and felt some relief when I saw the line "he isn't home again". Anyway, I have a question that I haven't been able to find a solution to....
My husband is a drunk and I find him pathetic and repulsive that he treats us the way he does. I am tired of the roller coaster ride and the drinking/not coming home/emotional and verbal abuse. The only reason I stay is this....if I leave than a judge would give him visitation rights. I know that I would have sole custody. But,I can't let my kids go with someone who would drive drunk with my kids...would go to a buddy's house and get drunk and not supervise the kids...and wouldn't be able to stay awake to attend to our child's medical needs because he has passed out from too much alcohol. I have researched this situation a lot and spoke to a lawyer once who told me that probably the best they could do would be to get "supervised visits" but that would only last short term plus we would have to agree on what person would be the supervision (that would never happen.) We have been going to marriage counseling...but that doesn't do anything because he continues to drink and obviously not take responsibility for his actions. He is like dealing with a rebellious/defiant teenager. He has had 2 prior DUI's (amazing that it has only been 2) and a domestic arrest that all required AA, but as soon as he was off probation he stopped going. My oldest is having behavior problems due to the dysfunction in our house. I am trying desperately to keep things as normal as possible. I have learned from my experiences (and reciting the serenity prayer) that I can't control anything he does. I try to go on with our days not counting on him, but it is very difficult with our situation and lack of support people around us to help. My son's medical needs don't leave me enough hours in the day to provide a normal home.
Have any of you successfully left and how did you do it and still keep your children safe from the drunk. I have more control over their safety by staying. I have often thought of just packing up one of the times he doesn't come home and move where he can't find us.
I am so tired of living with a drunk!
There is so much more to our story...but this is my main concern.
There is hope! My A has brain damage and we have joint custody!!! If you have a legal paper trail of his drinking and abusive behavior. There is not a judge in the world who would give him unsupervised visitation of a sick child. Seek better legal counsel! Get all the facts! I know here where I live if you go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. You can have him removed from the premises. There is no need for you to stay in that situation in order to protect your kids. A DUI with a child in the car is felony child endangerment. Besides...for the most part the A's are too selfish and too drunk or lazy to show up for visitation. if they are drunk you call the cops. Mine insisted on joint custody and I did not have the funds to fight him. He rarely keeps the schedule. Also I taught my daughter to call me at 3! They can call and let you know what is going on. Then you can document everything. I too had decided to stay for my daughter. My A filed first and called me a drug addict, unfit and a violent threat to our daughter. All to take the focus off of his drinking and brain injury. It costs allot to fight charges like that. Will he really take the time or spend the money necessary to fight you? Mine dropped all the charges and the nasty lawyer within 30 days. He was too cheap and unable to get along with anyone at his lawyer's office. The truth always comes out....Let go and let god help you find your way out. I thought I would lose my daughter and instead we are closer and her father is miserable. Have faith that all will be ok!
my hubbie isn't a drunk (it's my dad), so i can't say what it is like to have to leave my hubbie. that's a hard choice to make. but no judge in their right mind would let your huband have visitation unsupervised. the dui's, not coming home, and other people backing you up should be enough to convince the judge. plus, get a decent/good lawyer.
as for having a normal home...who has that? but i know if that was me i would rather have a "broken family" than live with that and have my kids watch how their father treats you. i am not telling you what to do, but i would not put up with it.
take care of you! take care of your kids! and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Hi, your situation is similiar to my situation. I was married to a drunk for eight years. We have a son together and while he doesn't have a medical condition, he is ADHD and hard to manage sometimes. I finally got the nerve to get divorced after years of thinking about it. In my situation, my ex-husband actually had to control his drinking to take care of my son, so it did work out in my situation. Before, he would come and go as he pleased and spend all of his time with his drunk friends. Now he actually knows how much work I did while he was off drinking. He used to come home and get verbally abusive if there was one crumb on the kitchen counter. Now he knows how hard I worked to take care of our son, clean the house, cook, etc. I don't know if your situation will turn around like that if you get divorced, but I never thought it would for me either.
Of course I was happy when I got divorced from him, but I got married again...to another drunk. I can't believe how stupid I was.
My suggestion is to write down every time your husband is drunk, what he says when he is drunk, what he does when he's drunk, if he passes out, if he throws up etc. All of it. If you get to the point where you get divorced, you have a record of why he shouldn't have visitation on his own. It seems that people who keep good records usually win in court. Of course I don't know what state you live in and it might only apply here in the state I'm in, but if you're staying with him for now, it doesn't hurt to keep track. I'm a social worker and I've been slightly involved in custody stuff for work.
I am on the verge of divorcing my second drunk because I am so tired of the verbal abuse, the way he treats my son, etc. My little boy doesn't deserve this...again. I can so relate to you and the problems you're having. I'm sooo tired of always ending up with drunks. I've been married to two, but lived with a total of four. I'm a drunk magnet. I also don't believe the crap that it's a disease. Cancer and diabetes are diseases. Drunks are stupid, selfish people who only think about themselves.
If you lived near me, I would help you anytime with your son. I wish you the best of luck and if you want to email me privately to talk, I would be glad to listen.
That is the other problem. One of my daughters is ADHD. My husband can't handle her when drinking. When he isn't drinking...he seems to be in a fog...and his patience is awful. He is often quite a jerk...slamming things around, screaming, and throwing things. I think he can't handle it when he doesn't have alchol in his system.
