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im really struggling with the whole thing of my a and i separating. i didnt want this, i just wanted peace for the night and for us to stop reacting on eachother. why couldnt i just stop and think before i reacted. right now i feel more miserable then i ever was when the a did relapse. i told him to leave because i was scared of a relapse which didnt even happen. we made it through every relapse before together so what am i scared about? anyone that has left their a, have you felt more depressed without him? is this how i am supposed to feel? i want to just say to him lets stop playing these stupid games and just take a little break, not call it quits. i have what i wanted for him to quit drinking and quit coke. why do i have to keep searching for misery? why do i crave it? can anyone else relate? i see now that i am far more sicker then my a and i need help with this. all i think is everyone is out to get me so i try my best to protect myself with this attitude and resentment towards them. i try to hurt them before they can hurt me. all i hear in my head is the disease progresses, it will only get worse, so i think in my head im doomed and i better give up now. im not even looking at how much things have changed just at what i think might happen. i wish i could tell him this. i wish he could understand my disease and see i may slip sometimes like he did. he has a big problem with me getting on his case about going to meetings, and time after time im told to keep the focus on me and let him worry about his program, so why couldnt i just do that? i tried. i bit my toungue so many times its swollen. but he only saw the times i said something. it sounds like im beating myself up but im realizing my part in all this and the faults i have of always expecting the worse, and over reacting. i need to deal with these shortcomings of mine. ive pushed everyone away and not let them know what is going on. im ashamed. my a and i had a talk about how we said things out of anger on friday. i did apologize but still dont feel relief. im pretty sure he doesnt want this separation either, so what are we doing. the same as we did before over and over expecting different results. this is insanity. i have no acceptance that this is over between us, we have always gotten back together. maybe i just need this time to myself.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I needed to salvage my relationship with myself before I could make the marraige work. Funny, he was still there three years later when I was done.
Trusting your HP is a powerful tool that takes absolute faith. Maybe start small, trust me first, and I say, trust God. Having Faith that I would be okay is absolutely the most terrifying, risky, and unpredictable thing I ever did. Harder than child birth, harder than knowing my own mother abandoned me.
In one of the 'Getting Them Sober" books, she says something like "It's hard to get rid of an alcoholic"! Don't worry too much about it, instead take this time to work on you, and see what happens with him. Sobriety is in some ways harder than the drinking - we can't say "Oh, he was drunk" and just dismiss what happened.
i love my ex with all my heart but heres how i see it.
my "A" is jonthon..lets say...his scumbag friends call him johhny... when he started taking coke, sleeping pills, had hookers numbers in his phone, staying out all night, drinking everything he could find bar bleach..id say!
thats when he became johhny t me. he wasnt my baby anymore..he wasnt the guy i fell in love with.
the pain was sooo great in my heart i couldnt even speak..or function properly. i sat down in a room and i though.
i reflected on what my life had become..... i had always loved meeting up wih friends, going out, reading my novels, going to the cinema etc....
when my "A" got bad...my days and nights were full of worry and stress...endless trips to the psych wards in hospitals, endless trips to rehabs, doctors, getting out of my bed at 3 a.m and going over to him "because he needed me" EVEN THOUGH I WAS UP ANYWAY AT 6 A.M FOR WORK... while he slept all day!!!
i didn't trust an inch of him..where he was going, what he was doing.."WHO" was he doing..and what would the outcome be. i knew in my heart there could only be one answer for me...one way to escape the chaos that was my life was to break free...
i left him.... i had to keep my sanity.
when i left him..i thought a miracle would happen and i would get better. i felt WORSE.
i missed him unreal.... i cried myself to sleep every night...dreamed about him, worried about him, feel sooo lonely it physically hurts.... but i am getting better. he has rang, he has begged, cried..tried every single trick in the book to get me back..coz he knows..."NO ONE ELSE WILL PUT UP WITH THE S**T"
.WHAT HE DIDNT IGURE ON..WAS THAT NEITHER WOULD I.
i DESERVE BETTER.
if my relationship was soooooo wonderful and complete...like i always thought it had be...then the little gaps wouldnt have grown to big wide crevices and ended up like canyons...
he tells me hes clean and sober and i know for a fact..he is not!
he spends his days and night getting high....and is slowly killing himself with the amt of "stuff" he is consuming.
it would kill me... to watch him do this to himself....
it has been 6 mths...since we broke up... and i do still cry on average 2 nights a week..it was 7..so i am improving. i remember there wasnt a day went by when a hundred million little things would make me think of him.... but he has choices..he just doesnt want to take the "right path" he wants the path of self destruction....i cant follow him down that one.... i wont allow myself to b sucked into a world of constant stree,, worry, misery...and most of all..regret!
its your decision...notsonew.... but im tellig you from my hear...you sound like your on the verge of an emotional breakdown.... take care of you..just this once!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. When I divorced my first husband, even though I couldn't stand him, I was very sad. I felt like a failure--I never thought my life would end up that way! I went from one bad marriage to another. The second is better (even though my husband now is an addict/alcoholic.), but there are days I'm not sure this will work out either.
I can't imagine what my life would be like without him, but realistically what is it like with him? Especially with him using. Is it our husband that we are miserable without or what we wish or want to have with our husbands? I love my husband with every part of my being, but sometimes I think it is the thought of what I want that maybe one day I could have (if and when he is clean). Is this the way to live? I don't really know, I'm just trying to make it one day at a time.
And just because you have separated doesn't mean you have to divorce. Maybe a break away is just the thing to give you a second wind and be able to really work on you and get to a place where you are happy with you and then you will be able to deal with other things.
Having Faith that I would be okay is absolutely the most terrifying, risky, and unpredictable thing I ever did. Harder than child birth, harder than knowing my own mother abandoned me.