The material presented
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OMG I acted like such an idiot today. My A seemed to push just the right buttons and everything that I have been keeping in just came flying out of my mouth. Looking at actions and not listening to words, I have been keeping it all in. All the stuff that he says he is going to do, but not doing, well I let is all out today and did not do so very gracefully, I must say. Even while I was doing it I knew that I was not in control. I do not think I was very fair, probably should not have thrown it all at him at once. So here is where I am at...
He is sober today, working a program, going to meetings and staying at his dad's. But....I guess I am trying to see how that is working out and just not seeing it. He does not seem concerned as to how our bills are getting paid, he quit his job last July. Has decided that he cannot stay at his dad's any longer, that it is not healthy for him, so he'll get an apt. Well, with no job, needless to say that is not an easy thing to do. So per his alcholic behavior, a quick fix would be to file our income tax return and take that money, something I am not comfortable with, since I have a house to pay for, two kids to support yada yada yada. But I guess what really got me is he says that he would like to come home. So I think that the choices he makes should be in that direction. Make the most of where he is, after all it is free, and move forward. Apparently he disagrees. And was more that willing to just file his return, without thougth of us,. Again, actions and words not seeming to match.
Needless to say, I am angry with him, angry with me and how I am reacting and just plain confused. I need to mean what I say, say what I mean and not say it mean. But... I guess I just don't know what I mean. I know that I am scared. I fear that he will pick up again, he has 45 days. I am not willing to live that way, but what do I need, I don't know. I have trusted so many times in the past, not listened to my gut and found myself back in the same damn place. I cannot do it again. But is it fair that I expect him to wait around while I figure it out. I think yes, to be honest. I have certainly done my share of waiting around for him to get it right, rehabs, detoxs, promises.....
He says how can we work on us if I am a town away at my dad's. I say, why can't we, and that right now we each need to work on ourself first. I love this man, do not want a divorce, do not want to be alone but do not want the chaos of the last years.. I just want time, and I guess I want him to step up and put his best foot forward and fight for this marriage the way I have fought for so long. He seems to just be saying, I realize that I have made a mess, and maybe I cannot fix it. It seems to me that he just doesn't want to do the work to fix it. Just a quick fix, "I am sober, let me come home, everything will be fine...."
Confused: I have just completed a very difficult year with the A. He was ill and not working much of it. I held the fort. Does he reciprocate. Nope. His definition is what's mine is his and what's his is his. It has taken me a long long long long time to see that. His boundaries are all over the place as are mine.
I think they do tend to be impulsive. Maybe that is to be expected.
I also think they jump into health very quickly. Ever seen A's coming out of rehab. Very few of them are realistic. They want it all now.
As did I of course.
Sometimes we have to acknowledge our similarities.
There is something in the literature to the effect that 'the a doesn't seem to care about the job, the finances, the kids, or their own health' and we do all the worrying about all these things. Could it be he just wants to move back in with you because he is uncomfortable at his dad's? Maybe his dad is tired of him not contributing financially? It appears he is not dealing with his financial issues, which for most of us is a big part of life (i.e. earning our way.) If I'm off-base here, just take what you like and leave the rest. It does sound as if he may be being manipulative and hoping to use you for a free place to stay. (Witness the tax return.) And you sound worried that he will lose his sobriety if you don't let him move in. My best suggestion is, don't let him, and don't feel guilty. YOU file the tax return and get the refund and use it for your bills. Take care of you, keep your focus on yourself, and I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL.
My heart really goes out to you during this tough time. I've been following your posts and it seems that you've set a very clear boundary with you "A" and have been very clear that you need a break.
I have had my own struggles with boundaries. Here are some things that have helped:
1) I've recently become aware that I often break my own boundaries, even before anyone's asked me to, because I'm so invested in being helpful, caring, & rescuing. Now, that I've recognized how I often bust through my own boundaries, I am able to step back and really decide whether to step in and offer help or not.
2) I found a wealth of support in the traditions. Our common welfare should come first has helped me tremendously. It's helped me see that common welfare includes ME and if I don't have clear boundaries that help protect my serenity, our common welfare is not being protected. It helps me see where I have RIGHTS in the relationship, and speak up for myself.
3) Listening to my instincts, really taking time to make a decision, not talking myself into things I KNOW don't want to do, prayer, and talking to my HP have all helped me, too.
(((((((lynn)))))))) i know so much of what you are going through. i too let the a back in after so many promises only to be disappointed. but why should i be disappointed? it is his life that he is messing up. he is dissapointed in himself enough as it is. this time however is different, i let my fear of last year coming back to haunt me make the decision to kick my a out...and i truely regret it. im still blaming him for relapsing when he hasnt even relapsed. just because of the past. only you know what you truely want to do. you can take all the time you want. i agree you both need to work on yourselves but it's up to you whether you want to do it together or not. something that helped me to see that i really did want my a to come back was that in the past after every relapse he had he came back stronger and bit his addiction back and fought harder then last time to beat it. we got closer each time. we made it through every relapse before so i realized we could make it through again. my problem here is he feels differently, so it is out of my hands. its up to him now if he wants to come home to me. i see if i would have stepped back once i knew he was touching my buttons i could have stopped this from happening. i was the one with the relapse this time. so keep this in mind what can you do differently????? email me anytime i am here for you :) tc
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
