The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working really hard on not collecting any more resentments with the A. It is very difficult because he is always acting out in some way. Lately he has been on a dope binge. The financial aspect of that is bad enough (because he is hopelessly mired in debt) but there is a health aspect of it for me too. I have very bad asthma and am trying to monitor my meds. If he comes in smelling of marjuana I start wheezing. He seems to think I am doing it personally as some affront to him. He could change clothese that might help but it is always something he takes personally.
Lately I have been taking my own health as something I need to take personally so if he smells of dope I just remove myself or ask him to remove himself. Then he goes into sulk mode which is the norm for him. If he isn't permitted to use and abuse it is a crime. Never mind my health or his finances.
Lately I have been seeing his behavior as incredibly manipulative but not taking it personally. He is after all and addict and was doing this long before I met him.
I have also stopped taking it personally that he does not care about my health. After all he hardly cares about his own health as he is driving himself insane using drugs, being in debt and causing chaos all the time.
I recently had an issue with a friend of mine over boundaries. I had set them with her before and she glossed over them. Then an issue came up that she gave someone I expressly said I did not want to be in contact with my email. She glossed over that too. I could not let that one go because I do not want to deal with the kind of resentments that come up when boundaries are not honored so I have let the friendship go for now. I feel badly for her that she can't honor my boundaries but I also know that I want people in my life who can hear them.
I had huge incidents with one of the A's friends over boundaries. He kept ignoring every boundary I set up and I eventually got totally exasperated. I had to set down concrete walls that he could not come into the house and I would not deal with him on any level. Thankfully that friend has moved away. I do not think he will be back. I know these days that I have to honor those kind of boundaries and stick to them no matter what because I cannot go back to the kind of people pleasing I once did.
For me the resentment stuff can be deadly. I can become almost moribund with resentment so I choose each day not to pick up the resentments. Today there were numerous occasions when I could pick up the resentment with the A. He ignored the fact I did not feel well. He ignored me most of the day. He bristled when I asked him to leave when he came in smelling of dope. I repeated that I have asthma not anything personal about his choosing to smoke stuff that costs tons of money he does not have.
I hope I can continue each day to make conscious choices about resentments because I know they contribute to my feeling overwhelmed. I have set certain goals for myself in the next few weeks and I do not need to have my energy drained with resentments.
I find that kind of sulky, pouting, self-absorbed behavior really difficult, so my hat's off to you for trying to detach from it and just take care of yourself. You're right -- resentment is an energy drainer. Hang in there. Retaining your energy to focus on yourself and your own goals is definitely the high road.
good job on taking care of U............when i am feeling resentful, i usually find "misplaced" **expectations**......meaning i **expected** someone who is incapable of respecting me to respect me.......once i come to **acceptance** mode and adjust my **expectations** of this person, i can evaluate the relationship on a REALITY basis.........than i can decide...do i keep him/her??? or separate from him/her???? resentment only hurts me...they don't care...its me who gets hurt..........its like **expecting** someone who is an addict/alkie who is NOT in recovery to be dependable/ trust worthy , etc....when they are NOT.....so i quit **expecting** them to be dependable/honest/caring etc....and i am not resentful.....
than i take it a step further....i make a list.....what am i gaining from this unhealthy relationship??? is it fear of being alone??? financial fear???? what "trade off" am i getting??? this is what i did with my ex..who was an alkie.....when i figured it out, i realized that i "stayed in the unhealthy relationship" becuz i a---didn't think i deserved better.......b---financially fearful of making it on my own.......c----he was in my life and a habit, sort of.........d----i thought i could "change him---fix him"....once i saw all my "trade offs" i thought "do i really want this????" its a decision that can only be made by the person involved...
but i know whether i stay or leave a person....i cannot **expect** them to give me things i KNOW, from past performance, that they cannot give me..........
