The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've come to find out (if you've been following my nightmare of a story) that not only was my AH an A, a cocaine addict, but also a sex addict, not to mention being bi-polar. He had said he had been living with the guilt of all the times he go out on binge drinks and cheat on me, and told himself if he ever did it again, he'd leave me because he couldn't face the fact that he could do this to me over and over again. I was suspicious many times, but chose to ignore it because I really didn't want to believe it. I've heard this might be common for A's, if so, why? Why in his drunken stupor could he hate me that bad to do something so cruel, but then always crawl back and tell me how much he loved me? Risking my life as well as our family's.
I haven't answered the phone in 3 days now, and I'm much happier. He chose to leave me, chooses to stay in another state, he calls every morning and leaves messages saying "Please call or text me letting me know everyone is okay" What right does he have to ask this? He told me he wanted a divorce a thousand miles away, is cold to me, etc etc and now thinks I owe it to him to answer the phone to let him know we're still alive? Get real. I wish he'd just disappear.
Have you ever seen the AA "Big Book"? It talks quite a bit about the problem of alcoholism in general, describes the program (this is probably not quite as interesting to you right now), and then for the second half or so has lots of stories from alcoholics in recovery. The breadth of experience in those stories is amazing and there's about every kind of addiction in there you can imagine.
I won't even try to excuse what he did, but yes, it is common. Alcoholism (or any addiction) starts someone down a slippery slope which many never make it back up.
I see John F. has a link down below (scroll down, it's on the left) where you can order a Big Book off Amazon. It's well worth the ten bucks or whatever.
Why? and why is it they seem to only feel remorse when coming down?
I am no expert, but I think it is because inside they just feel bad and keep trying one thing and another to try to feel good.......the different things all work a bit---(Hey food is my drug of choice, so who am I to talk.) My A's latest is doing "dirty" on the internet! But when the substance or activity is gone, the feeling it was trying to mask is still there, and so is the remorse.
I don't know if you have read my posts but I my A has several addictions: crack cocaine/sex/gambling. If you read literature on the subjects, they are commonly linked. Successful treatment is dependent on all being treated. Alcohol can be replaced in the first step with anything Food, sex, drugs, gambling....But if the A admits powerlessness over just one and not the others...it is defintely a slippery slope... My A was drug free for 12 months....he never stopped cheating. After 12 months...marijuana....10 months later...right back to the cocaine.
My A is in treatment now and has recently tested positive for the Hep C antibody as a result of his behavior. I found out Tuesday and was tested yesterday....I await the results on Tuesday...I am trying to take it one day at a time...
Just my opinion, but get yourself tested. You never know...I wouldn't wantanyone else to be in my position. Take care of YOU.
He probably doesn't hate you - the person he hates is himself. If you really want to understand it, AA has lots of literature, from A's themselves, explaining what it feels like from the inside. You may not be ready for this yet, just needing right now to vent out all your rage and grief - that's OK. There is time for all the healilng you need.
Just try to remember one thing - it really wasn't about you. You didn't make him do it, and you couldn't have stopped him. He has probably told you at one time or another that it is all your fault - you were too mean, you were too nice, you were too fat, you were too cold, you were too good, you were too lazy, you smothered him, you ignored him, blah blah blah. A's are the world champions at blaming others for their actions. However, he knows, deep inside, that it really wasn't you. That's where his remorse is coming from.
The rehab facility personnel where my A just came back from, were SHOCKED!
He was the only one they have had in a very long time that did not have multiple addictions! Guess he just put all his effort into a single task and did it well enough that it consumed him! LOL
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
Yes, it is very common for alcoholics to have multiple addictions. My experience is with a recovering A of nearly 20 years, who stopped drinking long ago but then went and grabbed hold of a worse addiction (that being sex) which has consumed him on numerous occasions and caused me a great amount of grief over time. He is in recovery with that also but there are still lapses every now and then. Sometimes addicts are complex and hard to figure out. But be assured you did not cause it.
A's can be very dependent although it does not look like it from their behavior.
I think it is very very difficult not to take their behavior personally but they are acting compulsively so it is not personal to you. It may seem like it but it is part of a pattern of self destructiveness and self hate which they are compulsive about.
Its up to you entirely whether you speak to him or not. I do know I find my own A very very demanding and I have to resist many of his demands or else I would be absolutely exhausted.
I'm glad that you are sharing your exasperation and taking care of yourself.
