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ok, this is going to be long. it was really a disaster yesturday, and i need to talk to someone.
some backround info: my sister and dad (A) live in the same apt complex (NOT same apt, though). her and i are NOT talking with my dad b/c we don't approve of his life situation. Anyway...my wonderful hubbie desperately wants our kids to know their grandpa(he never knew his and he feels this "void" and doesn't want our kids to feel that way). as long as he is sober he can take the kids over there, but i won't go. he hasn't been sober, so he hasn't seen them--his loss(my kids are great)!!
yesturday: my sister is moving to a different place (so she doesn't have to be so close to him). so i was helping her move while my hubbie watched the kids. hubbie stopped by my dad's and he ended up being sober so they went out to eat. my dad saw me taking boxes out to a truck. he yells to me,"hey shithead, get in the car. you can go with us" if i didn't want to go before he said that...i definately didn't want to go then! so i said "no thanks" he got in the car. my hubbie ran to my sis to ask if she needed anything. and while he was in her apt my dad got mad. he stormed out and told me to tell my hubbie to "**** off". when hubbie came outside i told him what happened. he was furious! i told him to just leave, not worry about my dad. he left...then came back. he tried calling my dad, but he wouldn't answer the phone. hubbie went to his apt and knocked on the door. my dad would not open the door. he said he didn't care and he didn't want to see his grandkids. hubbie was so mad b/c it was him who tried to let my dad see the kids. so he kicked the door really hard. then he did it again. (i wasn't there, but hubbie told me this). my dad said he was calling the cops on him. my hubbie ended up in tears and screamed through the doors..."he was a horrible father and a worse grandpa! how could you abandon your family *******" and i'm sure he said other things. i could not believe this happened. my hubbie doesn't get angry like that-EVER!
bottom line: my bro and hubbie are the only people in the world (besides the people at the drive through) that talk to him. it's pretty safe to say that my hubbie isn't going to talk to him. secretly i was proud of my hubbie b/c he stood up to my dad. hubbie felt horrible fo a while, but agreed with everything he said. he was disappointed in my dad, but saw what ws really important to him...and it wasn't his family.
i felt bad b/c i feel like this was my fault. my fault for being there, for letting my hubbie go over there, for denying his lunch, for ruining hubbie and dad's relationship,...and everything else. i know it is not my fault, but i feel bad for my hubbie, my dad, but mostly for our kids (1yr and 3yr).
good news, though: yesturday was productive. we got my sister and her husband moved into a great place and she is really happy (but also pissed about my dad's actions). the only thing that's not falling apart is my relationship with my hubbie and kids & my relationship with my sis(who is my best friend).
i just needed someone outside of the family to complain to. i just feel bad about the way things turned out.
It appears that your A dad became enraged because your hubby sided with you in his mind? Of course! Everyone is against him in his own mind....(My A has had a similar situation with his eldest daughter) The more they are ignored because of not being sober, the more they get angry for being ignored, which is a great excuse to drink more, and get more angry and drink more ad infinitum!!!
The A doesn't even recognize this. To them it is all "poor me", "everyone hates me". Might as well giveup, and drink some more.
While you might have avoided this particular instance by simply keeping clear, the A would have made it happen in one way or another sooner or later. Each case if different, but sooner or later we all hope that in one way or another, a little light will go on in their minds that illuminates the reallity of the situation...maybe they'll see and change because they want to.
You're not to blame though, no more than if you had walked past a sleeping dog that awoke and bites someone. It's the dog's fault, and no one could have predicted.
Rather than putting so much energy into placing blame (self or others), finding faults, feeling bad etc., maybe one can put the work into more positive life enhancing thoughts and efforts that will not only affect one's self, but those around that want to share in it!
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
I think A's are very difficult to be around particularly if they are active. I don't think it is particularly anyone's fault. I can understand wanting to be in control because that way you can find some way to account for the incident. At the same time your father did seem to over react and cause a scene. Perhaps he needs the drama.
I don' t anymore think of things for ever. Currently I do not speak to my sisters I no longer think in terms of for ever. Its just today I don't speak to them.
In theory your father can get sober any time. He may he may not. Its in his hands so the relationship he may have with his granchildren is a possibility.
I can also understand your husband thinking he wanted his children to know their grandparents we all hold idealized images. Reality is a bit different. In some ways it is a way for your children to learn that we can love certain people only from afar. That is a good life lesson in itself.
I am glad that you felt good about helping your sister. I imagine having physcial distance does help in dealing with someone who is as volatile as your father is. I know there are some people i cannot have contact with that is very sad but it is also self preserving.
I am so sorry for what you and your husband had to go through. What an awful name to call you and what horrible behavior of your dads! It is great your husband didn't stand for it and your dad found that out too! One saying I learned in alanon is Talk is Cheap, Watch the Behavior. This came to me when I read your post. Your husband sure saw that behavior loud and clear. You may find some substitute grandparents some day for your kids. There are many out there waiting to give love and attention to other families! They could be good role models too. I bet there are some agencies you can call to even find out who does that. Thanks for sharing this with me. It shows how bad this disease is and by telling people your story, it keeps you from sweeping things under the carpet and pretending it never happened. (((((flintfeet)))) cdb xoxoxoxoxo
One thing I have learned very, very well is.....I am not responsible for anyone's actions, thoughts, feelings, you name it. It takes enough time and energy being me. Sounds like your husband got somethings off his chest for himself and his family. Sounds like your dad is in his sick thinking.
I don't have to accept bad behavior. Not one bit. I can walk away at anytime. The next thing I will do is forgive. Doesn't mean I forget what happened. I just forgive. It doesn't mean I have to invite that person back into my life as well. My part in that will not harbor guilt or resentment if I do forgive.
I am proud of how you handled yourself. I am glad you and your sister are detaching with love. Staying in today and not worring what is ahead seems to help a great deal. What we worry about tends to not happen. Your children will be fine. I would be thankful my kids wouldn't have to see my father like that. If they did....that would be okay too.
I wish you and your family the best. Step 1 through 3 would help me the most in a time like this.
