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About a week and a half ago, my ex-boyfriend, whom I was letting walk my dog and just being friends with, got drunk and walked to a friend of his in these apts. The friend called ME and wanted me to come get him as he was almost passing out. I told the friend that I couldn't get him or carry him to my truck! This poor guy (the friend) has cerebal palsy and it affects his leg and his thinking, he's 28 but thinks like about a 12 yr old and didn't know what to do. So I took my dog for a walk and went by up to his apt to see if my ex bf had left. He (of course) had not. He was sitting on the guy's sofa in a stupor mumbling about who knows what. This poor guy was shaking like a leaf! He was so upset and nervous, so I told him call the police and ask them to come take him home and put him to bed , they've done it before. He was afraid to call them. He said that exbf had been cussing him and shoving things off of his tables. I said yes, he gets very beligerent and breaks things like that when drunk. Then exbf noticed I was there and started saying things about 'that woman'. He said that woman, that woman .... that f****** woman , you'd better not think of f****** that woman cause her p***** is _______ and you 'd better not f*** her cause she's a f****** b****! and then he got up , stormed out the door and fell flat on his face! in the yard! The friend said is he talking about what I think he's talking about? I said yes he is. He went and dialed the police , 911, let it ring once and then HUNG UP!!! then he came to the door and told me while exbf was getting his stupid self up off of the ground. I told him they'd be calling him back in a few minutes and he asked why? I said they don't leave calls unseen about like that.Exbf walked back into his house and sat down. He started ranting about me being there again when the phone rang and the friend said what do I say? I told him to just tell them his friend came over drunk and you can't get him to leave and would they come get him please? Then, he answered the phone and exbf got up slammed out the storm door and walked down the sidewalk toward the street. He came to the door and I told him , he's walking home tell them you don't need them now. So he did. Then he said to take exbf's 5th home with me. I said to give me a different bag to take it in and so I took it with me. Poor kid was tetotally scared to death! I told him NOT to open the door for exbf no matter how much he banged or yelled to just call 911 if he came back seeking his booze!!!
Well, now exbf wants me to forgive him for this latest fiasco, I said I could forgive because HP wants us to but didn't want to be friendly anymore. Then night before last, exbf calls and says I miss our friendship , it was just the booze talking, I think you should forgive and forget. I said that's not easily forgotten, when you talk about someone's private parts to someone else! I've already been called his ex-wife's name, he's almost messed up my things in my apt by shoving them off of the TV and I made him leave, he's taken a swing at me, he's cussed me, he's told me awful things about myself that made me feel bad about myself and I just don't think a friendship should exist with him after all that I've put up with. Thank God I didn't marry him like he wanted to! Now he's trying to convince me that THIS time he's REALLY trying to quit drinking , that all the other times he wasn't really giving it his all. I told him I hoped he met his goals, but that didn't change anything where I was concerned. He's telling me that I should understand he didn't KNOW he said those things that it really wasn't him, it was the alcohol, so I ought to be friends with him again.
I don't think it'd be good for my self-esteem to remain friends with him. He's 54 and has been drinking since his teens. We've only known each other since last may or june. I really think that all of his "friends" and family have now abandoned him for the most part and he's hoping to work on my sympathy. But thru this program I've learned that you put up boundaries and when they're broken several times or just once for that matter, there are consequences for that. In this case , I think the consequence should be , no more friendship at all anymore period. I have been beaten by a drunk bf about 10 years ago and I just don't have the time to spend on them when they're that way.
I would welcome ya'lls opinions on this incident. Thanks, Jonibaloni21
if this had happened to me...i would NEVER talk to him again. it sounds like he's not worth the time. he may be the nicest, sweetest guy right now...but when he gets you back he'll be the same man he was before. my mother inlaw left her hubbie after 28 yrs of physical abuse. they were divorced for 5 yrs, and then started dating. he said he was a changed man, he loved her, blah blah. then they got together and he started beating her again. we all wanted to say "told you so!", but in her heart she knew. i would hate for the same thing to happen to you.
my advice...move on, dump the guy, enjoy yourself (do stuff that you like to do), and you'll find someone who will treat you like a princess. this guy doesn't sound like prince charming.
i TOTALLY agree with flint..........this guy is a LOSER with a big "L"....DUMP him!!!! throw him away!!! and i mean if it were me???? NO contact none at all.......yeah, people say to forgive/forget, but we cannot forget..that is impossible..........and to forgive??? that only means "giving their punishment over to their god" it NO way says "oh its ok, what u did to me, and yes, u can come back into my life to screw me again" NO WAY JOSE!!!!!!
U did a good job with this and u know what u have to do.....u deserve WAY better than that loser !!!! maybe if enuf people DUMP him, he will drag himself into AA and get a life.....a healthy life....
i always say "if it even SMELLS like it is negative for my recovery---i am GONE"......NOONE is taking more of my life from me than what was already taken.......it is my choice how i want to live, what kind of people i want in my life....it is MY choice..... whether i let positive or negative people in my life and teh karma they bring into my life...its ALL my choice now!!!!
B4, i did not have ANY choice...as a child NO choice NO say about anything.. i didn't even have CHOICE over who touches my precious little body (perp father) but NOW i do!!! and U danged betcha i am using my choice....and if someone does manage to be lucky enuf to be in my life?? they are gonna treat me the WAY i deserve or they can "kiss where the sun don't shine" becuz i am OUTTA here......its SO good to be in the program/ learning that i have a SAY in my life!!! that i can CHOOSE who is in my life, who is not.......my favorite sayings are "what i permit...i promote" and the fact that i CAN, once in a while be a victim, but it is MY fault if i am a VOLUNTEER in that!!!!! anyone can get hurt the first time around.....but after that?? if they go back to it??? they become a VOLUNTEER..........
"I've already been called his ex-wife's name, he's almost messed up my things in my apt by shoving them off of the TV and I made him leave, he's taken a swing at me, he's cussed me, he's told me awful things about myself that made me feel bad about myself"
(((((((((((((((( joni ))))))))))))))))) omfg!!!
My ex yelled at me, demeaned my work (saying, "thank god for vanity, I'd have no job" ~ I was a hair stylist forever) ~ told me lies about myself & my family, held out sex on me, encouraged me to kill myself, was jealous of my love for my mom, resented me for loving him, told me "my way or the highway" one million times... well I finally took it & got the f**k outta there!
But even back then, if he ever called me a different woman's name, took a "swing at me" or broke any of my crap back then ~ I would have called the cops &/or left with dignity, instead of running away & abandonning everything I ever owned just to save my life/sanity.
I was always sensitive & kinda possesive, like if I were a man that was taking a double take at another woman, i would have walked off the date. After marrying an addict... I am unwilling to tolerate any criticism unless it is actually constructive, loving & not preachy - least of all unsolicited. If I ask for your advice, fine, I asked for it. Also I will not tolerate or deal with liars... they just don't get to lie to me anymore, period. I will not be manipulated or controlled by another, my "manipulation sensor" is very acute. I just flat out say, do not attempt to tell me what to do, how to think or how to behave.
Thing with my ex is, we lived together for a year & a half, he was the MOST kind, considerate, soft spoken loving man I had ever known... had a huge Orthodox church wedding, 2 hours long... went to Kauai'i for 14 days... 2nd day on our honeymoon he yelled at me!
I was like a deer caught in the head lights... my mother had never in 28 years raised her voice to me! I tolerated it until I realized it was him or me.
After 9 months of marriage, my ex was a paralegal & obsessed w/ serial killer & forensic shows. He has over a 100 books on serial killers. Nine months in, he did tell me he wanted to see what it was like "to choke the sould out of a woman and not any woman a beautiful woman so that the world would really have a loss." No, this comment although it did freak me out, did not run me off... I had to go to the pit & depths of nearly losing my soul to find me again.
He also DID know that I'm VERY sensitive about anything oming at my head & that I was not hit growing up. He would follow me around screaming at me, I became physical - shoving him a few times, he pushed back. He played hockey his whole life, kept a baseball bat in the car "just in case" he had the opportunity to go psycho on someone. None of this phased me still, gotta love those crazy Irish bad boys (he was a pill popper - dad an alkie, so he didn't drink & "did not allow me to either" - geez... can't believe the dumb sh** I put up with).
Fortunately for me, I had had an ex b/f that took tae kwon do & showed me some self-defense moves. My mom never hit me or raised her voice, I had never even really fought with anyone until I got married... I would have just stood there, gotten hit, like a deer in the head lights (again) in shock.
One day & after the serial killer remark ~ nat(urally) I was put on 'guard with that!' we were having an argument, he came rushing around the bed. We were yelling at each other. I could see it in his eyes, the anger & he looked at my neck... he lunged in putting his hands up swiftly to grab my neck... the second I saw him coming, I stepped in put my hands up, inside his arms & pulled them apart & stepped back quickly.
This made him furious & he came at me faster & harder! I did not move, I simply lifted up my foot at crotch level, simply to keep him out of my space... I did NOT push or kick, Just lifted my foot ~ well he walked into my foot with his penis hard, he was trying to f**king choke me!
Well he freaked out! Said, "omg, ur trying to hurt me, how could u do that!" I said, "look... u KNOW I don't like anything coming at me. I do not know how I will react but if you ever try to attack me again, I WILL DEFEND MYSELF! So I ouwld recommend that u not ever get violent with me again, and if u do not only will i defend myself, I will leave & u will never ever see me again." He never did get phsyical again, I think I scared the shit out of him. Since I have been home I have learned a lot of aikido which is strictly self-defense & have no fear of being attacked. God forbid anyone does try ~ I will break someone's wrist or dislocate a scapula, then stomp their groins & call the cops... physical abuse is NO JOKE! And I take thrats VERY seriously.
I know it is hard to hear when we're hurting but we DO tolerate the way we are treated or not. Today I set boundaries & tell ppl the way I expect to be treated, I am genuine, uber loving, sensitive, respectful... if I don't get that back I am gone.
These days I'm going thru men like tissue paper after being totally alone for a year, giving myself a break. I have gone from 6 years, to 6 months, to 6 weeks.
I'm back w/ an old b/f & so far so good... we've been back "together" for 13 days, hahaha! He works way too much & over extends himself... so I have already had to draw some lines in the sand but I am VERY different than I was when we're together 2 yrs ago.
He does treat me like a goddess when we are together, so we'll see, I no longer project into the future & am moving ahead trepidaciously.
I deserve the best treatment & will hold out to get it ~ so do you!
love -Kitty
p.s. I'd prolly get a restraining order if he comes around, he sounds potentially dangerous, IMHO of course!
-- Edited by kitty at 19:53, 2006-01-27
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
OMG girl - you have to be one of the strongest women I have ever known!! You didn't take on the fact that he was being an asshole in someone else's home you just told him what to do. I imagine you were freaking out in your head but you did exactly what we are taught to do! I won't go there with ya on the "friends" issue because I think you already know the answer to that question. The biggest thing is the loneliness - I myself don't like to feel lonely. I have been married for 16 years and there are plenty of time where I feel lonely - even while I am lying in bed next to my husband. So having a man in your life at any cost is something you will have to consider. I am thankful that I have all the loving friends in this program to help me in those times of desperation and longing. What I have discovered is it really takes an army of people to keep me happy - and that army starts with me. Take care of yourself darlin and I'll see ya in chat. luv Cyndee
Joni: It sounds like you have a big attachment to this man. I am sorry that your friend had to endure that kind of dramarama that is a hard thing to do. I think you handled yourself incredilby well given the provocations, stress and volatility of the situation. I am sorry you had to do this.
I tend to over react when someone tells me to do something. One friend who has her own program suggested to me recently she'd accept my amends when I had not yet given it. I pointed out to her that it was up to me when I gave the amends not her. I don't much like manipulation although I have to say I don't always "see" it. I can understand someone missing you because you sound like a loyal and devoted friend. For someone to say it was the alcohol" talking is not really taking responsibility for that they took the alcohol.
I certainly have been a person who said many many things I regretted as well as crossed and blurred lots of boundaries and done lots of things I should not have. I know that cost me several friendships and more. There is a price to that kind of behavior. What that price is for you I am not sure but it does sound like you want to initiate a consequence. You can think about what that might be from a period of no contact or no contact ever again.
I know when I am trying to negotiate boundaries with others I have to stand firm on them. There is probably no one more dififcult to do that with than an A because they don't seem to respect them. The issue is with my boundaries is that I have to respect them. If I can behave impeccably I can hold my head high no matter what. Its when the A or someone else tempts me to move my boundaries I am in hot water. Its when I blur them, loose them or let them be trampled on i am on tricky ground.
I wish you lots of luck and courage with your decisions. Dealing with an active a is like dealing with a hand grenade they are very difficult to handle.
Omy...you are a strong woman...kick him to the curb...you are worth way more than that...he doesn't deserve you...he is a , so let him go and you go on with your life. You don't need more hurts...take care,
On purpose, I have not read all the replies - I will, later on, I just want to say, reading your post, and, having seen your shares here and in chat - you worth so much more. I know, it hurts when you really care for someone, and wish I could wish him sober, but, we both know, it does not work like that.
((((((((big hugs))))))))))) - I think you know, in your heart, what you will do. Whatever you decide, you have friends here who will give you support and love.
Lots of love,
Flora xxxx
PS - I tried that recipe - using orange juice instead of brandy, for the fruit cake - it worked out quite well - did taste of orange, though!
Omy...you are a strong woman...kick him to the curb...you are worth way more than that...he doesn't deserve you...he is a 
, so let him go and you go on with your life. You don't need more hurts...take care,