The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As hard as it is, it's so much easier to set boundries to protect yourself when it's just you and your A.
I found myself today though getting angry and getting ready to add to my resentment pile with my A. I remember being in my daughters therapy session w/ just my A and I, trying to figure out some daily roles and get the ball rolling for laying the footings for a healthier enviornment at home.
The therepist asks, my A, can you make sure they get to bed? Oh now, I got have to take my medicines early and fall asleep much to early. Ok, can you help get them up in the morning. Oh no, I have medical problems which makes it difficult to get up.
Fastforward to now. Her hours got changed at work to accomodate the fact she couldn't (and sometimes didn't want to) perform certain duties. She is working at 6AM. If she takes the car, this leaves me with no backup method to get the kids to school if they miss the bus and if the weather is bad, my son has no choice to stand outside with me and deal with it. What happened to not being able to get up in the mornings?
Why do I have to accept this? Nothing will change. I can beg, please, cajole, scream, etc. All those unhealthy things I've done. The more I do, the less she does. I've been smart and have been cutting back and things just don't get done, but I swear, I can't see my floor. Sometimes there aren't enough forks clean and dirty combined to eat the meal I cooked. One person can't keep up w/ the mess of four. My children have started to help out here or there. But there are days when i literally can't see the floor from my dining room to my kids rooms.
I know my vows said through sickness and health. But they didn't give anyone card blanche behave in any manner they see fit. Maybe death do us part wasn't when one of our souls passes to the next journey, but the death of love and compassion.
I guess I'm kinda just thinking out loud. Ya know as much as I hate this situation and as much as I'd like to step out of it right now, I can't stand the thought of seeing a lawyer to get the ball rolling. Maybe that is what I need to look at. Why am I dreading that? What are my fears? Is there anything else blocking me or triggering me just having this thought? Maybe if I think about these things I'll understand whey my version of doing something, is doing nothing right now.
Maybe with that understanding and awareness of that, I can accept whatever reality I find to be the reality of the situation. Maybe then, my HP will be albe to show me the correct course of action. I guess I might not know either what to do or when to do it, because I'm afraid.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I know exactly how you feel. My A continues to drink with no thought to anyone but himself. He is laid off of work right now and at first he was helping around the house. Now he starts drinking from almost the time he gets up (around 10am) and he continues to drink himself stupid until he goes to bed around 8pm. He's having himself a great time in the bars while I'm taking care of the house and the bills. Like you, I've done nothing and I don't know what to do either. I am contacting a lawyer today because I have no other choice. It's come down to this. I wish you the best. I hope you can find what you're looking for.
It took me leaving and a couple months of almost no contact for my wife to come to her senses. I still have a lot of things I have to deal with emotionally. But she has seen what life is really like now without me around to be her "slave". She attends her meetings regularly and has been clean for a couple months now. Very level headed, and knows that she has to get livin' or get dying.
I still have not returned home yet, I still fear the monster that lives within her. But maybe, in time, I will go back home and start over with her.
I guess my point here is, it took me leaving her and then ignoring her, to make her come around to reality. It wasn't easy, but it woke her up. I too was scared of the change, but I made the choice to take care of me and my son. So far, it's worked out for the betterment of everyone involved.
Good luck to you, sometimes you have to turn your heart off for a while, so that your brain is heard.
wow, what a comment bigus/christopher made, "sometimes you have to turn your heart off for a while, so that your brain is heard."
When u were telling my ur mind is wandering... maybe turning your heart off will help you hear HP. Changes always seem so much worse than they are, at least this is what I have found... my anxiety & dread makes things seem unbearable & then when I walk thru it, it's not half as bad as I thought. You have so much on ur plate & u are doing everything! So much great work with your kids & setting those boundaries with them, but you said something very poignant, "Maybe death do us part wasn't when one of our souls passes to the next journey, but the death of love and compassion."
All I know, is this disease is progressive & in it's later stages, it's like growing exponentially daily.
And u know my story well... the more loving I was towards my ex husband (addict) the crueler & meaner, more abusive he became. I guess he just felt so unlovable, he had to ridicule me for being so kind to him. He just wanted to keep biting to see how much I would put up with & he dragged me down to his level & it really made my mind & spirit sick... sick enough to try to OD. I see you trying so hard, applying, working it... you deserve so much more, once u determine what your own value is, it won't seem so scary ~ the changes.
Some A's never change or get help... I kept telling my mother 6 months ago, that her A would/could not get the help he needed w/out being institutionalized but that is not for me to decide or choose, I forgave him (continually, still) & surrender him to God. Nothing I do or do not do can change them... they have to want it.
For me the only way I have gotten to 'detachment' is after forgiveness, forgive & then I can detach lovingly... I realize it is difficult when new things pop up daily. Stay strong, firm & consistent. Take care of yourself too, you need some good rest & sleep. I pray for your surrender & have faith that God will work out the details.
God Bless You, brother, I love you. -Kitty of Light
-- Edited by kitty at 11:12, 2006-01-27
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You might want to first think about how you are going to "live with it" if that is the path you are going to choose.
Make a list if you need, but to start you mentioned two main things...getting kids to school, and cleaning.
School...first, why would they miss the bus at all? You might have to adhere to a strict morning schedule to get the kids moving on time regularly. In case of the odd late day, a backup plan, friend, neighbor, taxi, whatever resource you can think of would be useful to consider.
Cleaning, may also be something that a schedule can help with. There's always professional domestic help, relatives, friends...and of course a little extra help and personal responsibility for the kids (if they are old enough).
But these are all simple suggestions to band-aid a greater underlying problem. Chances are that you may not just want to "live with it" as status quo. If that is the case, then you'll need to think about what changes you are willing to make, what changes your A will make (if any) then comprimise, or reach a conclusion towards a course that is best for all of you. Sometimes the course that is best for ALL may not be what a ONE wants....but you are a family.
Sorry if this came off too analytical. You're clearly affected by all that's going on and it's not easy. I wish you the very best finding your way to a better place!
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
I hear others leaving and the alcolholic -the alcoholic hits bottom -then comes back to them, their home life etc. Or the alcoholic doesn't and then come the questions -Why hasn't the alcoholic come back?
In my case, I left because I needed to. I hoped and prayed he would do what was needed for the sake of our family -it both the vows and our family. Nope, no such luck. The disease had (still does) a strong hold of him. It did come to divorce for us. Very sad. I mourned the relationship and yes the divorce was ugly. I actually mourned after the divorce, the lawyers made it so ugly that there was no thinking outside the box (lesson learned btw with that) My ex is still sick and very active, he has his enablers always will (family and a girlfriend of many yrs now) Anyway I'm saying, IF you decide to leave or whatever, I can only say that such an ultimatum didn't work for me. I also say, imo, anyone who has children and is living with an active alcoholic they're already single parenting. Only my .02 I relate to your pain, thank you for sharing my thoughts -hopes and lots of well wishes go out to you,
Just wanted to let you know that I think I may understand some of your feelings. I was and still am very afraid to leave my husband because you have had many years of the same thing happening and change is very scary. My husband is in jail and I am taking this opportunity to divorce him because if I wait until I had the guts while he was around me I never would. Even after all the abuse being codependent teaches us to take it and take it with pride, like it is our duty to make all of the chaos to go away and make everything all better or we are weak or something.
All of your posts sound like you are weary of the whole mess. I'm not saying she will change if you leave but I am saying that maybe you will be better. You cannot make her better, no matter what. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Since my husband has been gone, things are so CALM and less overwhelming and less chaotic. I too was so afraid of leaving, the fear of the unknown and how would we make it, etc. That is where HP comes in. Give to HP all your fears and no matter what, you will be ok. When I let go my life became so much better. Strange but true and before this program I never believed in anything or anyone. Now he is in jail and me and my kids are doing fine without his income. I am going to school and my kids are happy. I never thought they would be ok but they are actually much happier. Yes the load is all on me but at least his load isn't anymore. Just some things to think about.
I sincerely hope that you can find some peace today you will be in my prayers, Julie
I can definitely empathise. My A procrastinates everything is very very self absorbed. He is very adept at asking for his needs but does not seem to be aware of anyone else's.
What do you think you need at this time to help you feel some emotional space.
I think divorce especially when it comes to children is a tricky option. There is a transtion period that could go on for a while.
I know for me in trying to reduce the resentment pile I did get to a place where I was able to think more clearly and to be able to create options for myself.
I can definitely empathise with feeling exhausted and totally frustrated. I am so glad that I found this group and started feeling heard. No one can tell you what to do or when to do it but detaching is very very helpful.
The more I detach from the A and verify that I do not have anything to "give" right now the more clear I get. I know I am not selfish because I certainly "gave". I just came to the end of "giving". I think the A's have no idea the effect they have on others. I also had no idea the effect I had on others until I started being very very clear about my boundaries and roles and relatonships.
I am glad that you have this group to come to express your frustration. Managing frustration is a core issue for me (I come from a very dysfunctional family) it is something I have to work on daily. I get to a frustration threshold and then things fall apart for me.
No one here is going to judge you for having a messy house. Do what you can daily and just let the rest go. You don't have to be a super hero.
