"I just got back w/ an old flame, so I am taking it very, very slowly.  Last month I told God I wasn't ready for a relationship & in HP's infinite humor, has proved me wrong again.  "

"But the self-protection that is coming from the self-love is a nice surprise, I never knew what it meant to protect myself emotionally or love myself." - kitty of light, HP Answers Prayers

In PM, someone asked me what I meant by this quote;  how I got to this point & 'what takin it slowly means to me.  I wanted to answer it on the Board cuz I have repeatted this many times in my shares & it is just honestly too much for me to type in a PM  but I am happy to answer the questions.

Part of how I did it I did answer in that very post: "It is already a huge burden lifted to only focus on me & surrender others to God & the Divine Plan."   However, getting to that point has taken me every one of my 37 yrs on Earth. 

When I say I never knew how to love myself I mean literally & utterly, I'm ACOA of a single parent that is ADHD, her mom drank a lot.  No one in the family wants to say g/ma was an A but I feel she was.  She abused her 3 daughters severely, all ofmy cousins in turn got beat...  I was "talked to death", pushed too hard, emotionally neglected, having IQ over 120, I was in honor's classes & expected to makes A's.  I danced & did gymnastics from 2-15, was expected to become a world class gymnast & surely let my mom down as she was living vicariously through me (good ole stage mom syndrome).  I had jobs starting at 10, a paper route, at 12-13 I taught gymnsatics in the summer.  I was her only child, felt like a grew up in a microscope but she was emotionally detached from me & I was never ever allowed to express any anger of any kind ~ she would send me to my room & say "u may come out when u can act human."

Being a sensitive kid ie:  when I was 5 our dog bit the neighbor's kid.  They came & quarantined our dog for a week.  Instead of being upset about it, my mother found me sitting on the porch, telling that mom that, 'everything would be okay.'  My dog was gone but I was counseling an adult!

I was left alone a lot, I begged her not to "make me" have baby sitters.  So she did, not for long periods but by 2nd grade, I could be 'safe' alone for hours.  I knew not to answer the door, & so on.  I was 7 this year, and took to reading my mom's Cosmopolitan mags which I studied, so I was brought into an adult world by my own curious nature.

If my mother had loved herself, she would have modeled that for me & I would have learned how to express ALL of my emotions in an acceptable & "healthy" manner.  Well, no such luck.  I have never blamed my mother for how I have turned out but she can't hear that or believe me.  The fact that I talk about my emotions seems to drive her crazy...  I guess it is cuz when u are being honest & expressive, it forces ppl to examine themselves.  My mother doesn't seem to want to nor does her A of 26 yrs. 

Being sensitive I have never been able to turn the voice of God off in my head, I admit I have not always listened or prayed but nothing can turn off that intuitive voice.

So for my mother growing up in the '50's, middle child, she became the "perfectionist" & the "scape goat" ~ her IQ being well over mine ~ she did her sister's homework so she wouldn't get beat.  It was just easier for her to do the work then to try to "teach" her lil sis & having ADHD (I forget what it is adult hyperactivity disorder) they gave those kids ritalin cuz it calmed her down.  My (poor) mom would rather be doing than just sit still & be.

That yr in 2nd grade I remeber one time crying & trying to talk to her, she must have been partying cuz she told me, "K u look so beautiful when u cry."  Well, obviously she wasn't in her right mind & she WAS NOT able to hear me emotionally even back then.  This sent me instantly into a rage & I made a conscious decision never to cry in front of her again & this rift grew between us & grew inside of me from me.  When I shut down this one part of myself...  the other feelings shut down to.  So I became numb...  jump to 8 yrs later, had runaway 3 times, she was already married to the same A, I was 15 & tried to kill myself. 

Off I was to a private hospital & I got to "re-learn" what each emotion was again.  Being spared, I also went on my spiritual quest, trying to discover the meaning of life, meditating & praying a lot from 16-20 yrs old.  When I was 17, my best friend from child hood decided to come clean.  Since I was not at home, on the streets (well, w/ friends in another state) I was more than happy to go to countless AA/NA mtgs w/ my friend for support.  Sometimes we hit 3 in a day ~ this is how I found al-anon & usually they'd be held in churches were simultaneous mtgs would go on, she could go to NA & would go to al-anon.

Well I did come home around 18, I kept the program in my heart but it wasn't in my head...  I slipped back into the dyfunction of the family disease, being constantly misunderstood, acting typically ACOA, doing anything to please my mom who I was so very co-dependently sick on.  I spent my entire life, emotionally mothering her & loving her with my total being.  When I got married she told me, to "keep myself" I didn't know what that meant.  She would tell me to protect myself emotionally but I had no skills & being an empath I just naturally suck up the emotions of those around me.  I was hurt constantly.

So I was married for 4 yrs 2 mos, ran away from my husband on vacation, leaving a 17 yr career being an expert hair colorist/massage therapist & friends & everything I ever owned, including 8MM baby pix ~ everything.  My ex kept everything to punish me.  Each yr we were together became markedly worse, the more I did for him, the more I loved him the more cruel & psychologically & verbally he abused me. 

I had been feeling hopeless & wanting to escape this great pain for 20 yrs, having suicidal ideations every other day.  The last 2 yrs of the marriage were really bad, he never stopped tormenting me & encouraged me to commit suicide often, telling me how & where I should do it, so it wouldn't be "messy" for him. 

When I ranaway from him & came home I was anorexic as I had starved from 15-32 yrs old.  My mom said I looked like a shell of myself.  I was lost, somewhere inside of me & the depression seemed to get worse over the next 6 yrs.  With all of the family problems, seeing my mother numb & in pain, watching my step-father get progressively worse in his disease of alcoholism, gambling, cheatting & squandering his money.  He would verbally abuse my mother & I when we asked him for help or support, he sd we were "Stupid & he could do both of our jobs w/ one hand tied behind his back."

Well I have chronic pain from scar tissue from my gymnastics & I was so unhappy & did not want to talk to anyone, I began laying granite & marble in the condo project they decided to get involved in.  My Aunt was a professional painter & taught me to "cut in" or do the trim work when i was 9, so I was always in hardware stores ~ love power tools ~ love wood & trim carpentry work.  So I was doing this hard labor for my family all the while being told I'm not going fast enough (never had good help) no one cares as much or wants the perfection, yes I have that too ~ ADD w/ distraction, I get very absorbed into details & most ppl don't have integrity in their work.  I often 'threw my back out' & worked in tremendous pain which only makes the emotional pain worse.

Four yrs into this project & my parent's are being bled dry by partners that aren't performing, they have over .5 M$  into this "project" ~ I couldn't take the hopelessness of my situation anymore.  3/18/05 I took enough meds to kill a horse.

This was the first miracle that happened to me...  after 20 yrs of having suicidal ideations God took those thoughts away from me.  I walked thru a threshold.  Miraculously I felt better.

July 19, 2005 I was informed that the A had been cheatting on my mother, my only family, for over 15 years.  This sent me straight back into this Program, I found this wonderful site & Board a few days later.  Well I threatened to kill him about 8 times, once in an e-mail ~ I went from feeling suicidal to homicidal in a flash...  I ranted, vented & raved in the chat room for hours on end for at least 6 or 7 weeks in sheer anger.  I finally was able to get passed it, then I had to focus on releasing the guilt that I had carried for the family...  this took me even longer to get over.  All those yrs of having this dubious guilt & feeling inadequate & I was transmuting the pain from my parents...  what a relief to realize it wasn't coming from me, I was empathetically feeling it for them.

As my therapist had said...  they are like psychic vampires that feed off of your love & energy, literally getting their "hooks" into you & I didn't know how to stop it.

I had a cognitive shift in September...  it occurred to me that I was just like the A if I gave every last bit of love I had for them & boy, did I!  Before September i would have died for my mom in a heartbeat if it would have alleviated her pain in anyway & I knew this was sick, again had no idea how to halt it.  Once HP showed me that by thowing all of my loving energy down to ppl that didn't love themselves & that made me "just like them"  ~ I made a decision to keep some love for me.  Well I could only hold about 1/4 of 1% of love for me but that was what I could take, reserve for me.  It was the tiniest glint of light probably not even visible to the naked eye!  But I had a glint, a spark of love for me for the first time in my entire life.

it is making my cry typing this, it is so pitiful but this is where I was & thank God!  All it means is I was able to capture a crum for me & I knew logically that if I saved some love for me, I would have even more to give.  I just made a boundary within myself that I would love others but NOT at the expense of myself ever again.  The glint went to a spark, to a flickering flame that has steadied now to a real flame...  it is tiny but there.  Maybe I'm up to a whole 2% of love for me but as I have grown in this new experience of focusing on me & not my parent's problems I am gaining some "self-protection, emotionally" something I never was able to understand before.  I pray everyday, thanking God for sparing me, twice. 

I do know my mother is threatening me & going bananas, as I am not "transuting or taking in" every last drop of their pain.  That halted the day I kept that quarter of one percent for me.  When I do pray, I surrender my will to God's will & ask to be a worthy vessel of that great compassionate loving energy that I know as God.

I lost track of my nervous breakdowns over the yrs....   But today I do not react living in guilt & fear running me ragged. 

As far as this b/f from 2 yrs ago is concerned...  well i was so irrational & demanding & sick, he couldn't take my insanity, so he stopped taking my calls.  Once I love someone, even if they hurt me, I can detach but a part of me always still loves them.  Over the years, I would call & leave a msg here & there, saying 'happy new year' or 'happy father's day'.

Mysterious & magical as God is, I did call this year to say 'HNY" & he answered & was happy to hear from me & enthusiastically wanted to see me.  Two yrs ago as he was separating from his wife ~ I couldn't take being the other 'woman' & told him I "was NO homewrecker" ~ those kind of insane comments & not being very understanding.

But as much as I have changed since I tried to OD, it's as if I have changed even more since 4 months ago & reserved a glint of love for myself.  I have told this guy the whole story of what I went through the last year...  before that I was living like a hermit & didn't see anyone for a year.

This man, also had been "hermitting" for a year & was finally available to see me.  I am a different person than the one I was 2 yrs ago.  He fell in love w/ me back then & I with him.  I'm not sure what I mean by "going slowly" I guess I simply mean not projecting into the future too much & taking things one day at a time.  But I am 37 & we've already talked about what if's...   kids, the future, who knows what will happen.

All I know is I am open & willing to go through wtvr God has in store for me, the more I surrender my mind & heart to God, the more HP shows me... like the more understanding you have, the more u can understand.  Also when I pray, i do not ask God to take anything from me.  God told me once, 'I will never take anything from you, it is your choice as I have given you all free will, you must willingly hand it to me.'  So I pray for God's will & to be worthy.  If I tell ppl I will pray for them, then i will do specifically...  I'm a Reiki Master as well so I can do some healing work & the guilt of not being able to "heal myself" over the yrs did a number in my head too. 

Anyway the future gives me anxiety, all I can handle is this moment.  Right now I am a very grateful al-anon member, survivor of two suicide attempts, one ex husband that I think was trying to steal my soul.  I had to lose myself completely to be able to find myself again.  But I am not afraid of what I see in the mirror.  I am still pretty masochistic & self-demeaning, well maybe humble is a better word these days.

i realize & accept my mother isn't interested in my feelings ~ NYE day it "clicked" in my head that she's probably been telling me for 30 yrs, she isn't interested in how I really feel...  so I'm still emotionally abandonned by my family but I can now validate myself & love myself joyfully.

That is what I went through to get here ~ hope that explains your question. 

your sis in recovery, one day at a time, with love, -Kitty Light