Hi everyone!

Sorry it has taken me so long to write a new excerpt. I was going to write something from the book, The Dilemma of The Alcoholic Marriage, but I cannot find it anywhere....guess it is not God's will at the moment. I will look for it again tomorrow. Anyhoo....here goes....

Struggling with Reality

Few of us intentionally refused to see the reality of our lives or the circumstances in which we find ourselves. But the truth is that most of us have indeed done so. In Al-Anon, we eventually come to see the many ways we had unknowingly blocked out who segments of our past and present. We recognize situations in which we had unconsciously conviced ourselves that what we saw happening simply wasn't so. At the same time, we understand that we were doing the best we could at the time, trying to survive, to adapt to the way our lives were affected by alcoholism before we found the help of Al-Anon.

With the help and support of our program and our fellowship, we come to see how much energy was previously spent on escaping, ignoring, fleeing, and denying. We recognize that, today our energy can be put to more constructive use in healing ourselves and our relationships.

All too often in the past, reality interfered with our plans. Crisis shattered the fantasy. Our perceptions proved unreliable, and we were increasingly less able to cope. We couldn't evaluate our options. We couldn't even trust our own memories.

When circumstances first forced us to become aware of our distressing situation, we were often unwilling or unable to accept the reality we had been forced to see. With renewed vigor, we adopted new coping mechanisms in order to survive. Perhaps we made a concious decision to ignore the problems, hoping they would vanish on their own. Or we rationalized. We told ourselves and others that almost everyone drinks too much from time to time; we inssisted that the situation wasn't as bad as it seemed. Or we recognized the alcoholic's drinking problem, but denied that we had been affected. We distracted ourselves, blaming our boss, or destiny, or the government for problems we encountered. We put great energy into looking good in public, making sure that everyone thought we were doing just fine, never letting anyone know when we were vulnerable and hurting, never letting on what happened behind closed doors. In an effort to be loyal, we lied, made excuses, and laughed off the alcoholic's behavior as well as our own.

Some of us created fantasy lives so that we didn't have to think about the pain in which we actually lived. These fantasies could be extremely pleasant, too good to be true, where everyone was kind and loving, all our needs and desires were satisfied, and we felt happy all the time. Some of the fantasies created a darker world in which we imagined the pain, guilt, or death of the alcoholics in our lives in the misguided belief that their absence would free us from our torment. Others had vengeful fantasies, visualizing the alcoholics(or others) suffering for the suffering we believed they had inflicted upon us, and imagining a kind of power over our cirmcumstances that we lacked in real life.

Until we were able to face reality, we honestly could not see that we played a crucial role in creating our own misery. Nor did we recognize that we had been so severely affected by the disease that we ourselves became ill.

Seeing More Realistically

Coming to Al-Anon, we begin to look realistically at our situations. Some of us are forced to face facts when circumstances demand our attention, as when a loved one is arrested or files for divorce. Having our world shattered can leave us feeling disoriented and panicky. At such times, Al-Anon can be a lifesaver. When our sense of reality proves unreliable, we need help to regain our footing. Al-Anon provides a simple Step-by-Step approach to rebuilding our lives and our self-confidence in an atmosphere of unconditional love.

Others are free to come to terms with reality more gradually. Many of us discover that we no longer need the same survival tactics now that we have the support of a fellowship that truly understands and the tools of the program that help us to deal with problems that once overwhelmed us. Our old defenses become not only unncessary but clearly undesirable.

Developing an ability to see things as they really are and to find healthier, more appropriate ways of dealing with the people and circumstances we encounter is not always easy or comfortable. Most of us have had good reasons for hiding certain information from ourselves- it hurt! It probably still does. It isn't easy to see the suffering of a loved one, to admit--even to ourselves--that a close relative has sexually or physically abused us, to come to grips with the fact that the people we have turned to for love and acknowledgment are incapable of giving it, or to recognize that we ourselves have become narrow-minded, vindictive, pessimistic, submissive, fearful, despondent, petty, shrewish, nagging, controlling, or overbearing. We may be dismayed to find that the negative thinking and behavior that we developed to protect us from the painful experiences of our lives have in fact seeped into every corner of our world. It's as if we've allowed our defense mechanisms to protect us from all of life rather thank risking adventuresome participation in it. And in trying to avoid the unpleasant aspect of our lives, we have also missed our on many of the joys. It isn't easy to accept the ways in which we have been affected by another's alcoholism. But the fact is, we have. Somewhere inside, many of us know this instintively. Until we take the time to look at ourselves honestly, we may never be free of the bondage in which alcoholism holds us captive.

No matter what we must face about ourselves and those we love, there is more to see than just the devestation of alcoholism. As we learn to separate oursleves from the effects of this illness, we find that we have some splendid personality traits that have nothing to do with alcoholism. We are loving, lovable people with a great deal to give and a great capacity for joy. It often takes time to locate this positive part of ourselves and bring it to the surface. Years of stuffing our feelings and our sense of self may have shoved it down so deep that we forget it even exists, but with patience, that brightness will eventually re-emerge. That's one reason why it is worthwhile for many of us to go thorugh the often difficult, frustrating, and scary process of becoming aware--there are wonderful and unexpected gifts and treasure waiting on the other side.

As long as we continue to hide the truth from ourselves, it will continue to fester inside. In the past, we may have needed to tough things out alone, but we are no longer struggling alone against the effects of alcoholism. Today we have a program to help us. The support that we receive in Al-Anon makes it possible to let the truth come to the surface where we can work with it.

We have a right to expect more from life than mere survival. We are here because we are ready to heal. We are ready to look at ourselves and our lives with new eyes. We are ready to become aware.