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I am a divorced mother of two. My boyfriend in high school of five years had a cocaine problem, my now ex husband also had a cocaine problem. My mother has a tranquilizer addiction! I am now dating a man who is my older brother's best friend. Have known him my whole life. He is a great, very nice, caring supportive person. The thing is he likes to drink red wine a lot! He will drink during the week by himself. Just one glass at night to wind down he says. He also has a daughter from previous marriage. When he has weekend overnights, he will drink half a bottle of wine on a saturday night. He said he likes it. So, here I am paranoid that he might have a drinking problem. I am extremely consious of any addictions because of my past. I just do not want to wind up in that situation again! His parents were both alcoholics but he was adopted, so if it is genetic, he does not have their genes. So, could he have a problem? How do I know? He probally drinks wine 4 to 5 days per week. Either with my brother, who does not have a problem but also likes it or by himself or with his daughter. I have a drink or two just on the weekends. How do you know? I am scared to get committed again and find myself in another relationship with addition issues!! Thank you,.
I do not have an answer really. I just have a couple of questions--or things you could think about. How is his attitude--to me that is also a big part of the disease! Is he selfish, is he resentful, does he blame problems and such on others? (My a did that and I chalked it up to a sad hard childhood, but--you know what there are fewer and fewer people out there who have had a good childhood so that is no excuse.) Would he if necessary give it up for you, would he at least be willing to try?
Again I am the furthest thing away from a relationship expert--in fact-- if my picture were in the dictionary it would be under "loser finder"!!! I don't know if these questions will help, but they are just a thought.
I don't blame you for feeling apprehensive about getting involved with another addict, it's completely stressful. Does he have a problem? Well, if he doesn't think he has a problem then he will continue to drink as he pleases, but if his drinking bothers you because of the history you have then you have to consider that for yourself. I do believe genectics have a great deal to do with this disease, but I also believe environment is the other half of it. If his parents or parent was an alcoholic then he's grown up with a belief system about how acceptable or unaccpetable drinking is. I believe kids do what their their parents do because that's all they have been taught. So, if we seek out program to change our unhealthy patterns of coping with the alcoholic then maybe that will help our kids learn as well. We may think someone has a drinking problem, but if they have not acknowledged that for themselves, then there is nothing we can do about it. We have to assess our own feelings and validate those feelings to help ourselves. I don't know if this helps at all, just coming from my own situation. Stay strong, and keep coming back.
Hugs
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Have you talked to him about how you feel about this? He may or may not have a problem, I certainly don't know. I do know that if you share with him how this makes you feel, his reaction will tell you something.
I would also like to say - if you have been living with so many addicts, for so much of your life, then no matter whether this boyfirend has a problem or not, you may find something here to help you. Just the fact that you cannot trust your own feelings when it comes to your boyfriend, shows that maybe alanon has something for you. Welcome, if you decide to spend some time with us.
Kitty what matters is that his drinking is obviously causing you a problem. You have A's in your life other than possibly him. Al-Anon f2f meetings will help you alot , to make informed decissions that will affect your life. I hope u give us a t ry for a few monts and see how u feel then
Only he knows if he has a drinking problem - it' s not up to us to decide that for him. Louise
I can definitely understand that issue coming up. Recently I made a new friend and he confided he likes to drink. I must admit the flags go up. I think it is something that you are looking for rthe red flags. I know I see the flags and I look at them and say I do not want to deal with them.
So what will you do if this is a red flag. What actions will you take. What are you going to do in the interim. How do you take care of you?
I think its commendable for you to have limits. I have limits these days around boundaries. If a friend cannot hear my boundary I walk away. What is the limit for you. What do you define as an issue. I can understand people having things they do to relax. What else is in their history. what do they feel about their childhood. Those are all good criteria.
There are people in al-anon who have gone on to have relationships with others which are not marred by addiction. Maybe some of them will share how they set bottom lines. I know many who share about dating and what that brings up for them.
I am glad that you are here and working on your issues what a gift to yourself.
