The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sitting here crying...again because it was another bad evening with my alcoholic husband. My previous post was titled Laid off and Drunk. Thanks to those who responded. One thing I forgot to mention in that post was the name calling and the little cut downs that slowly eat at my soul and chip away at my strength. I mentioned that my husband was in the bar all afternoon yesterday and once again didn't follow through on his promises. One part that I have a hard time dealing with is the name calling. I will admit that I started this last night. I was so tired of being cold and he doesn't care. I was tired of him letting me down once again. I called him an idiot and then he called me a bitch last night and he's never called me that before. I told him I would rather be a bitch than an alcoholic. I told him to go to hell. I know this isn't the way to deal with this stuff. One thing that really hurts though is the little cut downs that he says are jokes. He says I don't know how to take a joke. I can understand joking about certain things. I don't like it when he imitates my laughter when I'm laughing to try to lighten the situation. I also don't like it when he repeats what I say. He tells my son not to copy and then he goes and does it! Last night I scared myself because I actually laid in bed and thought about ways to get rid of him. I would never do it, but I was so tired of crying myself to sleep. I am falling apart...
I'm so sorry all of this is making you hurt so much right now. I don't know what advice to offer. Please know that you are GREAT just the way you are, this disease can make the people affected by it mean and hurtful. The name calling, the copying it is painful but it is NOT true. It's just more acting out, and blocking of feelings.
My husband called me a c*n* once, it hurt so much I went cold. I thank HP because out of somewhere I heard my voice calmly say I am only one around you so I will remove myself from this situation. He apologised immadiately and has never called me anything negative again.
I hope you get your furnace fixed, mine too has been acting up, not reading the temp correctly off the thermostat. And same boat I can't afford right now to have someone fix it so I am manipulating the furnace to work <sigh> I'll keep praying for warm weather and serenity for us both. Keep coming back this is a wonderful place to learn how to make yourself happy even when things seem unmanagable.
I'm learning that I can't look for validation and can even expect much nastiness from my A. It's part of her disease. If I'm looking for that validation and compassion I'm not going to find it. As it's said in one of Alanon's books, it's like going to the hardware store for bread.
What I find w/ the program is that it's up to me. I need to look at myself. See my good qualities, and they are there if we really look. I'll also see my negative traits, which I'll ask my Higher Power to remove.
We have a saying in umpiring. If you believe them when they say you were great, you gotta believe em when they say you suck. LOL Sooner or later I know that coaches and fans will say I suck and that most times their view is viewed through their emotional bias in the game. So I choose not to look to those individuals for my validation I analyze my own performance to see what I can keep doing well and what I can do better, and seek like minded peers when I need an outside opinion.
That is what works for me.
You've taken a first great step in helping yourself by finding us, and I'm glad you are here !
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
in regards to the namw calling...let me tell you.... my ex boyf. never never called me any name or disrespected me in any way... ever! he was always loving, caring, considerate and passionate. he never ever cursed at me or degraded me in any way... he always encouraged me in everything i did... until he started drinking...and taking pills. then the name calling started.... i broke up with him last august. i could stick it anymore.
....only last night he text AGAIN.... its ongoing... all the last few months it was loving texts..telling me how sorry he was for drinking and how much i meant to him.. i text back last week...saying F**k off and leave me alone.... so i got a text back in the middle of the night saying "i never thought i would say this but i have grown to hate you sooo much... i am going to make it my business to go out and screw all round me now...f**k you!"
..now he was prob out of his head on pills and drink but... that still got to me..that statement hurt me sooo much..i think i stopped braething for about a minute when i read i. it was destined to hurt me like hell. he knew how to get to me...when he sent that.
try and stay strong pet....
remember the old saying..."sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you"
Your post is similar to one I posted a few months ago, as my husband is very mean when he is drinking and says horrible things to me. I got some very good tips from others here on how to deal with it that I used. (1) No matter how angry it makes you or how much you want to lash back, don't do it while he's drinking because you'll never win an argument with a drunk person. (2) Remove yourself from the situation - go to another room, take a walk, take a bath, do the laundry, simply walk away. When he sees he can't get a reaction out of you he's less likely to do it. (3) Don't take it personally. Just because he says it doesn't mean its true. And, just because you know its not true doesn't mean you have to spend your energy convincing him that its not true. You know your truths that you are a good person, a worthwhile person, a person deserving of respect.
These suggestions really helped me keep my sanity, although that kind of treatment is still wearing on your serenity. Good luck!
I know how you feel on the name calling and put downs. Even thought you keep telling yourself not to take it personally, etc. it still does hurt. My A's latest with me is calling me Sister Christian because I don't want him touching and gropping me when he's drunk.
i know i will not put up with abuse of ANY kind again!!!
name calling/ putdowns are a trigger for me....if a guy did that to me??? it would be BOUNDARY time and it would be no "ifs and buts about it"....
i know what i PERMIT, i promote, and a as i "repair me" in this program, i will not have toxic people in my life
if i WAS married to an A who talked to me like that, i would definitely detach from him, explain to him that i will not put up with it, he can talk to the walls cuz i am NOT listening to toxic remarks to me about me.....i would for sure let him know what i will tolerate, what i won't tolerate....
i know we teach people how to treat us....NOONE insults me in my family life now becuz they know it won't be tolerated....my A brother whom i am very close to called me a "moron" for doing something and i shut him down in a heartbeat....i told him POINT blank...."IF U want to talk with me...the abuse crap has to GO...otherwise U can do w/out my conversation".....i mean i shut him down FAST!!! i got apologies and so far, no more names.......i just won't allow it in my life....not any more....if someone doesn't make me feel good about being me??? than i remove myself from their poison....life is too damned short to be living with abuse............my perp did that to me, and i swore i would never allow it again...i don't have to..i am not a helpless child anymore, i am an adult and i am WORTHY of good treatment....
i dated/ married guys who were verbally abusive to me , perpetuating the pattern, but since recovery??? and learning i can love/respect me??? the abuse crap has NO place in my life......
i know its hard when u r in a married situation and its been going on for years, but there are ways to remove one self from the abuse....detaching....staying away from him when hes abusive....leaving the house, to go to meet/ friends house, etc......
for me, it would be a total turnoff if a guy did that to me now....married or no....it would stop or i would be GONE!!!! why am i so hard nosed about it??? becuz i am not letting ANYthing undermine my recovery and my being able to love myself........
"I called him an idiot and then he called me a bitch last night and he's never called me that before. I told him I would rather be a bitch than an alcoholic. I told him to go to hell. I know this isn't the way to deal with this stuff."
First of all (((((( hugs )))))) to you & welcome to our Board. In the ch room we have mtgs twice a day m-f 9am/9pm EST... they really help.
Congradulations on reaching out... it takes alot of courage & I think the first step is the hardes, just acknowledging.
It is true, the A's are ridden with guilt & sinking to his level, makes u both feel worse. It is part of why he does call u names, to make himself feel momentarily better. Unofrtuantely this will later make him feel worse, so as the vicious cycle of this disease goes... he will reach harder, lower to act out worse the next time.
You KNOW what he is saying about you is not true, in your mind say "cancel, cancel" if he calls you a name (just for your own inner, mental dialogue ~ it works!) or say to him, "that's a lie" ~ just what I would do, not telling u how to handle ur husband or any of your affairs.
Understanding that this is a disease was one of the most difficult things for my mind to grasp, no one wants to be diseased. Part of having trouble "understanding" was cuz I am not an addict/alcoholic. I can drink or not, I have total control over myself.
The A's hate themselves too, they want to drink like "normal ppl" have one glass of wine w/ dinner & walk away. The keystone of their disease is denial. They lie to themselves. It is progressive, so it keeps getting worse. In the later stages of alcoholism it seems exponential. You can see them deteriorating b4 your eyes, it is so painful to watch a loved one suffering.
Try to separate your A - the man - from the disease, this will help. Also, I would not speak to him drunk unless u just feel like talking to yourself.
What helped me the most when I first came to this Board was having ppl gently tell me, think about yourself... & stop focusing on the A... God only knows they are not thinking about you. They are caught up in a viscious disease.
Every new moment we have the opportunity to act differently. Don't be hard on yourself or beat yourself up, forgive yourself & let it go.
Remember the 3 C's... u didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it BUT you can: control yourself, change yourself & cure yourself.
The pamphlet cd: The Family Disease of Alcoholism is an excellent one it talks about the A's weapons, & how they use them to control the family. I have read it many times & it has helped me a great deal.
Venting helps too, or come into chat for live talk, do something nice for yourself... you are worth it. No one deserves to be belittled or demeaned. Progress not perfection.
Hang in there & keep coming back, your friend in recovery,
love -K
p.s. Jokes are funny for all, teasing is not funny or nice, me ex (addict) husband was a bully & ridiculed me & teased me contantly, incessantly.
Just recall kindergarten... I'm rubber you're glue wtvr u say bounces off of me & stciks on to you!
-- Edited by kitty at 17:46, 2006-01-26
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think detachment can be incredibly difficult to deal with. I have to practice detachment all day long with the A. In some ways I believe he is in my life to make me learn to detach because otherwise I would be an emotional wreck.
I have dealt with a lot of abuse from him. I no longer have those conversations with him where I go into that but I also monitor closely how I am reacting to him at all times. So I am practicing a mixture of detachment from him (because I cannot control him) and attachment to myself. Before I was so obsessed with him and how he was failing me I was not monitoring myself. These days I pay a lot of attention to how I am feeling, what I am doing, what I need to do (but not in a way that is mean to me) and how I am doing physically (my physical health can go out the window). So can you put the focus on you and hope you can take care of you. I know I was fixated at wanting the A to attend to me to know how his behavior hurt me. At the same time I was not attending to me and taking care of me and neglecting myself terribly.
Can you focus on how you are beating up on yourself for certain issues. When I can get off my own case I can let some of the love understanding and acceptance from al-anon in.
I think it is incredibly difficult to take the focus off the A who can be so abusive, maddening and acting out. At the same time I think one of the joys and peace from the program is in doing just that. They do things that are extremely self destructive and hurtful and you will get acknowledgement of that here - you may never get it from them but you will get it here.
I hope you can forgive yourself for getting wrapped up in the arguments. It is so hard to stay calm and to not take it in and believe it is about you, when all that abuse is happening around you. Keep posting here, and keep praying to your higher power. You have done a great thing by sharing here. It's truly a way of reaching out and breaking the isolation. so that means you've taken a step toward your own health.
Thanks for sharing and for being here, for all of us.
I had never had experience with an A before I met my husband. We drank together when we first got together, partied and had a lot of 'fun'. I was going through a nasty divorce, and was happy to let the alcohol blurr the pain.
At first, of course, he never put me down, etc., etc. When he did start, I didn't think much about it, I had been put down by my father, and then my ex, all my life. I believed I must be this awful person, and really couldn't understand how anyone could possibly love me, I certainly didn't!!!
I was in terrible shape emotionally when I came to Alanon after realizing that alcohol was making my life intolerable.I couldn't understand this 'detatching' stuff, and 'detatching with love', what the heck was that?? Through Alanon, I learned to stop obsessing about him, and start concentrating on me. (What a novel idea!!) After awhile, I didn't care if he drank or not, I was going to start enjoying life!( and I really mean I didn't care!). That was my turning point. I started doing things for me, by myself, and enjoying it. I guess it scared my A. He had lost total control of me. I had been his 'little puppet on a string'. My whole world had been totally wrapped up in him. I was in a much better mood, and had even started liking myself a little.He liked me better too, now that I wasn't the crazy Shrew (sp)? I had turned into.
Many of you have been through the name calling, belittling stuff. I realized that he thought so little of himself, he was trying to make me look worse, so he'd feel better about himself. (I also realixed that it wasn't just As who did this!!)
One day, I had a real 'light-bulb moment'!! He was entering the stage in his drunkedness that he was starting to 'pick a bone' with me, or telling me what I was doing wrong, bad mother, bad wife, etc., etc. I didn't have any place to go, and I refused to sleep in another room when he had our compfy bed!! I went to bed, picked up a book, started reading, and COMPLETELY ignored him. He couldn't get a reaction out of me, and finally had to roll over and go to sleep!! I has a hard time not to laugh out load!!!It was priceless!
Like so many As, he is a wonderful man when he's sober, and such a jerk when he's reached a certain point when he's drinking.
That is my personal experience, take what you want and leave the rest. No two people are alike. Hope this helped someone a little, Love TLC
