Beaten Down - Al-Anon Family Group

AlaMom · Senior Member

Beaten Down

Jayda · Veteran Member

It sounds like you are having a very difficult time. Try to take some time for yourself. Even if it's just five minutes. Do something you enjoy or just relax. Is there someone who can take the kids so you can have a break for an hour or two? Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it will be a better one for you. Take care.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Karen I can feel the heaviness of your heart. I know this may seem too simple,
but my first thought was, go for a walk. I remember walking in the very old cemetery watching the squirrels and looking at the ageless trees, carrying the weight with me.

the change of environment, the not having to do anything but walk gave me
a break. Also it releases chemicals that will counteract a bit of pain.

If you have a dog, take it. I would borrow one if I had to! I walk even if it is only a block or two. We tend to forget anti stressors. They are vital. Even animals play. There is a
reason they were made to do that.

I like to go feed the ducks or if I have money go goof around in Goodwill. To me it
is a treasure hunt! I used to go and cry cuz my mom and I did it together. Now I
smile when I find something we would joke about.

I always tell this, my dear beautiful young mother died from breast cancer. For a long
time she had to wear a mask. Did not stop her, we would go thrift shopping and
dig for fun stuff. Once we were separated then she found me. I said,"I am sorry but
my mom warned me about nutcases who wear a mask..." lol I loved her so much.

off subject. so honey take a walk, go to a funny movie, rent a funny movie. I love the Big lebowski and Absolutely fabulous. I don't believe it will help but it always does.

When my gma, who is now in a nursing home at 105, got in her wheel chair and
her nightgown was backwards, my aunt said, well mom ya have to cover your
boobs! "Gma says oh no it is fine! I left them in my bedroom." She takes off in her chair down the hall. My aunt starts chasing her, gma turns into some mens room. My aunt says
"you cannot go in there!"

gma says,"Yes I can these are all my bedrooms I own this place!" omg amongst
all the hell of her going nuts finally, my A sick and going to prison, my father dieing
I go into hysterics laughing. I start to lose it and have a panic attack.

lol aaaagh!!!! My family does not even cuss, are usually very proper so all this
is sooooo funny.

anyhoo dahling, go get some hugs, go see something pretty. much love,
debilyn

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Karen)))

I so understand the worn down feeling. My heart goes out to you. Take your time, recharge, and take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

Jennifer

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Alamom: I go to debtors anonymous that helps me a great deal to work on my credit issues paying down my bills and more. I put the A first in our entire life. I helped him out tremendously. He has never acknowledged it to me. He minimizes my contribution. There is very little "our" when it comes to him. He is definitely an expert at sliding the boundary dumping stuff on me. I have had to look at how ready and willing I was to help him when it was not reciprocal. I was too eager to help in many many ways. What I saw as loving was not loving for him. I have had to stop jumping up to help and focus on me. I have set limits on the financial stuff. That doesn't mean I don't think he will try to manipulate me to help just that I focus on me now. I don't focus as much on what he got and I didn't.

I can certainly empathise with feeling stuck and abandoned by the A. I feel very aggrieved about the things I have done for the A and the fact he doesn't seem to be able to do things for me. At the same time I had to stop resenting him and start working on me. Resenting him was a way to learning to set a boundary. I gave him too much. I had to stop giving at some point. At some point I had to say no and give up the fantasy that he was going to give back. He doesn't and he may never do that. He may intrigue me with the idea he might but the fact is over 5 years he has not reciprocated on the level i gave to him.

I can certainly understand feeling stuck with being left with most of the responsibility. My a does none of the housework and is totally dysfunctional at communicating about the most basic of things. I have stopped resenting him for it. I do what houswork I can and give up the illusion that he will someday contribute in a meaningful way. That is very difficult and it is not someting I like but I know when I do that I can watch how even when he lets the dogs out in the morning he does it in a way that is manipulative. He really wants me to do it so he does it so that I feel obligated to do it. In some ways it is easier for me to do it and give up on him and just do it but I do acknowledge the manipulations now because I have learned to do that here.

My a of course learned from his mother who is an incredibly manipulative and self centered woman. I do not deal with her much anymore but I am affected by the way she interacts with him and the relational style she taught him. I am also affected by the fact he does not want to address what that cost him. I know that others are affected by my relational style of wanting to control, fix and save them. I have had to stop that.

I do think resentment can be the first step to learning a boundary. They can be useful in some respect but for me to keep on resenting the a's ploys, false promises, manipulation, self centered ness is not owning my own power. I am disappointed that I will not have the relationship I wanted with the a but I can recognize the reality of what he does and stop fighting it. In some way she is far better than I am at recognizing reality because he can certainly read all my weaknesses, blind spots, desires, needs and passion for relationship better than I can and use them to his own ends. He can hit right on the spot of my issues far far more succesfully than I can. I fumble around for them all the time. He knows how to hit on them spot on when he needs to knock me off. I have had to learn not to share what I am doing in my life with him not because I want to be deceitful but because he is not necessarily that motivated to support and empower me as long as he is in his disease which he is in my knowledge as long as he is dishonest and not doing things to deal with his own issues.

Maresie.

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Alamom you have taken a huge step by realising that you are the one with the debts and now you can take control over your own destiny. I believe HP was at work with the car maybe that was his way of saying don't over commit yourself here. Do pamper yourself and take me time. Youir daughter's needs are now fine. Time to look after you. Luv Leo x

Barbara · ~*Service Worker*~

Please take some time out to take care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually

How are you feeling today?

sandie123 · Senior Member

Karen~

Right now I can relate to your post as if it was my own. Your pain is the same pain I too have been feeling.

The one thing people keep telling me is to take it easy on myself. That is something that I have a very hard time with. Last night I felt I was on my last straw and became so fully overwhelmed with everything I had to do for others. I am making a complete list of the things I do from being a mother, wife, newletter editor at church, homemaker, etc. I then will see what I can eliminate or ask for help from others until I am more able to handle everything. I am realizing I am not superwoman and if I continue this way I will definately sink into a deeper state of depression and gloom.

Hang in there and do something good for YOU! Take a bath, read a book, listen to music, go for a walk, call a friend and just play with your dog (if you have one). Take a break from everything else and make you feel better because then your will be more able to effectively help others.

You are in my prayers.

Linda

AlaMom · Senior Member

Thank you all who responded. Today is a better day. After a good cry, talking it out with program friends, and listening in chat room, I feel better equipped to handle today. Turning our lives over to the care of an unseen power is a difficult challenge for me. However, I know that all of my best efforts got me where I am today. With that being said, I know this to shall pass. Walking through the pain is part of the process, and as difficult as it can be it must be done in order to grow.

Love to you all,

Karen

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

KAREN__________ My husband could walk away from our marriage completely debt free (aside from the house). His car is paid for, credit cards up to date, no outstanding bills. And this is all because for many many years I paid his stuff, sacrificing mine to avoid the arguements. So I now find myself full of resentments for this against myself. I am having trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am having trouble believing in anything right now.

ROSIE______ OK, when i SEE where i went wrong....i ACCEPT it.....and , yes, allow the feelings, but realize that i got myself into this....w/help from my higher power i can get me OUT of it.....i would cut OFF paying his stuff and concentrate on mine.....hopefully the credit is only becuz u have many liabilities and not "no pays" that will hurt u for 7 years.......cleaning up the liabilities, getting them down, is esier that cleaning up "slow pays" or "bad debts" (i am not sure on the info u gave which) anyway, its time to focus on the SOLUTION....and teh solution is taking care of U...getting YOUR stuff paid off....let his BE...it is NOT your problem..... i totally understand the resentment....but the resentment is born out of the **expectations** that u will get something out of your sacrificing yourself to help another......i don't sacrifice me for ANYone now!!!! if i want to GIVE something, it is just that---a GIVE away!!!! NO expectations of a return......

forgive yourself.....u were just trying to be a good wife, and u got the "short end" so now it is time for acceptance and with that comes right action.....u CAN believe in U / your program/ your higher power who has you here, talking about this so you can see the picture clearer......u are going to be ok.........we didn't come here to earth to FAIL!!! we came to learn and to "make it" we will....we are in recovery...that is a BIG plus............hang in there and make a PLAN.....a REAL plan ...as to "how U R going to take care of U"....let him sink or swim on his own..........take what works, leave the rest....rosie

wille · Veteran Member

Karen
Relates
The program its has
helped me eversomuch
to know since I have
decided to leave my
double talking a to
his own devices.
And me with the bills. We
do the 4th step tonite in
chat.
I am learning how I covered
his butt - he promises me
he will always b there then goes
away and tries to come back
as clearly as I can determine as
his intention. I'm like no way.
His chiding me to cover our
expenses - I do not like the
word lies - he just was not there
at all.
He just played me, while promising
to always b there. My heck - if I
had those same sick morals I could
b playing someone as well - except
the program is bringing me values
to not play like that no more - to
use the other to my "benefit."
I am learning to say what I mean
and to not say it mean. Thank you
for ur share here. B there for u, Let
the other know they have to prove
they can walk their talk before I can
let them in is where I am now (and of
course in debt in my name from us as
well - lol.
light n love,
\/\/ille

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.