The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
HI, I am a new member to this site and needing help.
My partner of 4 years is to me an alcoholic. When we first met she never drank and she was happy with saying that out loud. She did tell me that she was a recovering drug addicit, and sober for 12 years. Slowing into our realtionship she started to drink while we were out with friends and bars. (which was not very often) I had no trouble with that and she could control . But last year we were celebrating her 35th birthday and she went out of control, she was verbally abusive to me and just way out of control. Since then she was drinking alone at night with the children in bed, while I was at work. She would say to me, I just need to relax. Then on the weekends she would say its the weekend after a long week of work. I would try to talk to her about drinking everynight and everyweek, saying its not necessary. It just got worse. She would hide it in the house/yard/shed. because she knew I would get mad. She would lie and say she wasn't drinking it was mouthwash because she has a cavity. She told me that she was drinking because she didn't feel loved or desired by me. That she was not enough for me. I have never even looked at another female, yet alone cheated. Which she says that she knows that. I did talk to her about the hiding and the lies and she agreed she would go and get help. There came another night when I came home from work and she was totally drunk, sluring couldn't barely stand up and was pouring another drink. all I said lets call it a night. and she got mad at me and started yelling ect... then I was heading upstairs and she got mad and hit me. NOt hard, but still hit me. I left and took all keys with me. the next day was the sad story saying I dont love her or desire her. She told me would get help, she went to a few meetings and then said I dont need them I can do it on my own, I pleaded with her about staying with them. but no she stopped. last week was the breaker she drank again and I get a call from our daughter at work saying that she had passed out and she wasn't sure if she was breathing. I called our neighbour on another line and they ran over, our daughter told me that she was drinking again. Long story short.
I need to convince her to stay with the meetings and stop lieing to me.
How can I trust her??
she gets mad at me for asking about what night are you going to the meetings, and ect...
she says I am nagging her and ect....
Please help me? so sorry for the long letter and spelling, I am trying to hurry with this to get help.
everyone comes to this website hoping for a magical answer...there is none. the only advice i can give you is come here for YOU. get help for you. support for YOU.
however much you love someone you cannot help them....unless they want to help themselves. you can lock them into rehab...make them stay there for the entire programme and they can drink the day they leave...why? coz they didnt mke that decision or choice themselves.
what you can do in this situation is take care of your daughter and yourself. your partner has to "hit rock bottom" and ask for help..only then will she realise she needs and WANTS it.
you have to remembe the 3 C's in regards to this horrible disease.... you didn't CAUSE it...you cannot CONTROL it and you can't CURE it. no matter what you do or say. the realisation ahs to come from the sufferer themselves... you can offer your help and support then...if its required.
make sure your daughter knows that you are there for her...even if her mom isn't able to beight now. don't despair....you have friends on here..people who will listen and offer support, love, friendship and advice. no one will judge you.. no one will tell you abandon your partner.
YOU have choices,,, YOU have to take control of your own situation.
Welcome :) Unfortunately you are up against a mountain that you can't climb. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make her stop drinking....nothing.
It appears she has traded one addiction for another. Leaving you to pick up the pieces as many of us have found doesn't work either. We just can't fix them.
3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
What you can do is attend Alanon meetings and learn how to change your reactions and learn about the disease, yours and hers. Yes, you have a disease too :) It's caused from being sucked in to the insanity of alcoholism.
There are meetings in the chatroom also. Meeting times are 9am and 9pm EST Monday through Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10am and 7pm EST Business meeting is held the first Wednesday of each month at 7pm EST,
In between time is open chat. Feel free to join us :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I want to say a huge Thank you for replying back to me,
But I do feel like I caused it some how and some way. Because of the way she feels like I don't desire her enough and love her. Yes we have our problems with the bedroom and money. but I thought that we were working it out, and things were good. I am not a communicature I have always kept things inside. or as she would put it I sweep it under the carpet.
I do need to understand addiction I kind of find it frustrating. I guess I just don't understand why I am not more important than the bottle. I asked her why doesn't she stop before she took that first drink.
Trust me and everyone else. Even if you treated her like a queen, she would find a reason to drink. Sometimes we may act out and give them and excuse to drink but that is far different than causing the disease because you can treat her any which way and she still will drink.
In Alanon I've found I have my own issues. I to have done my share of sweeping under the carpet and stuffing of feelings. I've been the focus and blame of my A's drinking. Her self esteem is her business though, not mine. Sure I should refrain from saying hurtful things and dragging her down, but she also has to do healthy things to make herself happy, to build herself up. She had to set her own boundries and not allow others to walk all over her self eteem as well. I don't say that to take state what is wrong with her. That is the same for all of us to be healthy. And I say this so that you can take responsibility for that which is yours and not for that which is someone elses.
Please don't link your worth to a bottle. It doesn't make sense, it is a disease. Why do some lung cancer patients or others with respitory ailments continue to smoke? Because they haven't hit their bottom. Everyone's bottom is different. Some have to hit multiple bottoms throughout their lifetime. I've seen that with my A. I've had to hit my own bottoms in my life to seek and continue to work my own recovery.
Glad your hear and welcome Goofy.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Part of our disease is believing that we have caused it somehow. For me with my "A", he feels that I don't desire him, because I don't. Hard to work up the desire when he reaks of alcohol or when he is stoned. It is not my fault that I can't start a fire with wet wood. But I am affectionate. I will hold his hand, hug him, cuddle up with him. Tell him that I love him and why. I can give him that much. I also have been honest with him about why there is less sex than normal. I am honest with him, but not mean.
Alanon has helped me to take less of a focus on him and more on me. See what my part is, and to let go of things I have no control over. It takes time and work, but I have seen the benifits of this program.
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
But I do feel like I caused it some how and some way. Because of the way she feels like I don't desire her enough and love her. Yes we have our problems with the bedroom and money. but I thought that we were working it out, and things were good. I am not a communicature I have always kept things inside. or as she would put it I sweep it under the carpet.
Gads wrote ya a post and somehow lost it. rrrrr
hi, glad you are here, Your mate has a disease, if it were cancer, would it be your fault? NO. You can do nothing to make her drink. Can she make you use? NO. I mean even a funnel in her mouth would not work.
She does not love herself, this is where all the u don't love me comes from. Actually if you do show a lot of love it makes her feel all the more guilty, why does he love me so much, i don't deserve it?
It is a horrible disease. She does not choose to have it, she is driven and craves alcohol. You have nothing to do with it, she does not choose it, it chooses her. At times she wants more than anything else not to have that horrible craving. She does not want to drink. People lose their mates, their kids, their homes, their ability to drive, their freedom. And hon sometimes they still will use. Do you honestly believe they want to?
At some point, when we really learn the alanon program and live it, we let go completely of their disease. It is none of our business. We cannot control it anyway. What we can do is learn to take care of ourselves and not focus on the disease at all. Don't allow it to pull us in.
We begin to learn that when we do, it makes our A sicker and it makes us sick too. It can literally make us sick physically and it also makes it so we cannot think clearly.
i have been thru some Aism bs lately. i am a seasoned alanoner. But believe me, I come here and these wonderful bros and sis's remind me of the simplest slogans and give me support becuz I am lost in an aism blur of pain.
They don't even realize what they might say that will stick. But believe me every response teaches ya, eases the pain and brings ya back.
she cannot answer your questions. She honestly does not know. They have no control, they are mixed up and so so sick.
I liken it to loving watermelon. It is my favorite food. IF I eat wayyyyyy tooooo mucccch i get sick, so sick I will not eat it for a long time. if there was an alanon for watermelon, raising my hand here, I would be there. But if there was I would have to put my self on a program to keep me away from eating it again.
the point is they have to get so so sick of it they will do anything not to drink and or use again. This is called their bottom. Bottom can be death. Can be a dui, can be losing their license, can be cuz they killed someone, even then they may go back, relapse.
my A has lost everything. i mean everything. He is facing prison now. He said to me, when i get out I will go out and get a $20 bag of heroin. sigh
He later told me he does not know what he will do. He is going to do AA in there and anything else they offer. HIs words. I have no control over that. i made no comment. I hope he does but it makes no difference to me. I know the reality. Relapse is part of being A. i can enjoy him sober, but it can disappear in a New York second. I know that now. It would not surprise me or make me love him less.
If you love your wife, I know you love your kids, the best gift you can give them is getting into alanon and living it
The book, "Getting Them Sober" is a wonderful guide, easy to read and many of us take it as our favorite.
James Woods does a movie about how AA started that is excellent.
I hope you keep coming here. There are also great meetings in the chat room.
I have been here over 5 years. face to face meetings are wonderful too. I hope you give to your wife and kids the greatest gift, and that is for you to learn the alanon program.
YOu will learn to put your A in your hp's hands. I actually used to have to picture my A in the creators hands.
Aism makes you very very sick. We get dragged into the abyss with the A. It tears us apart and makes us unable to think. I am a seasoned alanoner who lives it. Right now I am going thru some heavy stuff with my A husband. I was tore up,lost and in a blur.
Even felt like why be here anymore. But becuz i have this place, where loving bro and sis alanoners respond and bring me back to sanity,I can make that next step. Every response brings me back. no one ever knows what might help. But just responding is a wonderful gift.
As far as understanding addiction, that is a hard one and since it is close to insanity, it may not be possible.
I, in a way do relate. I love animals, i mean passionately care and will do about anything to keep them safe, not neglected or abused. I am talking all animals. I feel an inate feeling inside that i am suppose to do it. LIke Adam was to care for them.
NOTHING will stop me, not my A, not my dear mother, my kids, nothing. It is my heart. for the A sadly it is usually something that is not good for them.
I, however am not addicted. i am getting older and no longer do rescue. ONly if it is an emergency will I bring anymore animals here.
But when you are an addict,you cont. until it is totally unhealthy and causes a multitude of problems.
Well anyway keep coming back. Get that book if you can, I find them at used book stores. if you cannot, they are also online. If all else fails, tell me, I will send ya one. I have sent them all over the world as part of my service to alanon.
much love to you, your A and kids, debilyn in Oregon
Hello Goofy , get thee to a meeting quick, you can't convince an A to get help they have to figure it out for themselves. Until she says that what she is doing is causing her a problem IT ISN'T its causing you a problem. No she can't see what she is doing to her family , she just dosen't get it yet. There is nothing you can do about her but al ot u can do for yourself.
The toll free number for al anon info is 1-888-4alanon lines are open 8am -pm mon thru friday
Alcoholics need enablers to continue thier lifestyle and that is where we come in , we believe the promises and lies, we make excuses for thier crappy behavior and we keep doing the same things over and over again . that is our insanity thinking this time it will be diff.
It never is . Al-Anon will give u a better idea of what your dealing with and suggest what to do and what not to do. I believe that the best way to support them and bring about change is to get our own program and get outta thier face and off thier back, allowing them the dignity to make thier own decissions as to how they want to live thier lives while we get ours back on track. Absolutley nothing will change til Someone changes . good luck Louise
My dear, you cannot convince her to do anything she is not absolutely resolute about doing. You cannot stop her lying; you cannot control her in any way. But you CAN control YOU. It is vitally important to get yourself into that mentally serene place no matter how she is behaving. That's what we have to do...detach from the alcoholic's behavior and tend to our own happiness. How to do that is what you need to be working on now. AlAnon can help.
Best of luck, and best wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm sorry for your pain. What everyone says is true ... you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can find a place of happiness and serenity inside yourself. Being free of the need to fix, control amd take care of my husband's disease has been the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done for myself. It takes practice, forgiveness, and acceptance of MYSELF everyday. It's worth it, keep coming back! My best wishes to you.
I am so happy you found this site. I just got out of a relationship with someone who was happy to say she hadn't had a drink in almost a year. She however, does not consider herself an alcoholic, and even though she started drinking again after we stopped dating, I cannot say she is either. I have been fortunate that she and the other dry As I dated were never physically or verbally abusive with me. I never had to experience them as drunk or out of control though a few of the women had told me about being angry drunks.
I do relate to the abuse in another way though. My mother was often as you describe your partner. Moody, unpredictable, accusing me of being nagging, hitting those who came too close. She has never sought help (that I am aware of) and has simply exchanged alcohol and narcotics for prescription drugs as she has gotten older. The situation I was in never truly got better until I moved out.
I hope for your sake that things work the way you wish them to, but I also know they don't always. Focus on yourself and take care. You are a person worthy of love and respect. And you are worthy of being with someone you can trust. I don't know how to rebuild in such a situation and would be hesitant to say how if I did know. It is something that can only be determined in each situation according to the person involved.
Just know that you are loved by those who have been through it.
Hi, I am new to this board, too. I truly feel for you. I struggled with guilt with my A for several years. I am a health care provider and I could not help feeling like "how could I LET him drink, how could I ALLOW him to develop cirrhosis (he was on the liver xplant list until he relapsed last week), wow-I need to check his toolbox and dump out all his stash to make sure I don't make it POSSIBLE for him to drink..... "
I haven't yet worked the 12 steps and that is a most important thing that I am going to do for myself, but I did realize something last week. As I drove him to the subs abuse counsellor to 'force' him to go to residential treatment, my A said to me...yeah, I can sit there for 28 days and twiddle my thumbs, anything you say, dear. And not yet working the 12 steps I recognized that--he doesn't want help. I always felt like somehow, someway, I could stop his drinking; that despite all the evidence that proves otherwise, I just hadn't quite figured out how I could force him to stop. But I can't make him get help. His sarcastic remark just slapped me right in the face like a hand made of stinging words and I realized I can't help it. He doesn't even think he has a problem! He thinks he can quit anyday, anytime, at his leisure. And remember, he is (WAS) on the liver transplant list!! He's that bad off and this disease still convinces him that I have the problem, not him.
So love her, love yourself. But please don't beat yourself up. You have no control whatsoever. Everybody here cares and feels your pain.
Hi I am glad you found this wonderful family and we will help you to get through the good and bad times. You cannot help your A but you can help yourself and the kids by saying right for once our needs come first. Get yourself healthy take a step back from the A and try not to take her words to heart. You are a good person. Everyone else's posts have been spot on we have all gone through the checking for bottles, watering them down etc but it didn't stop the drinking. So we now concentrate on us that is something we can fix. Keep reaching out there is always someone here anytime of day or night. Luv Leo x
wow, I have to THANK everyone that has replied to me, I feel so relieved that I wrote in and I feel so much better. I will take everyone's adivce and LIVE FOR MYSELF AND OUR CHILDREN. I will stay in touch with everyone.
I will not take what she says to heart, (as I have) and I do know (with everyones adivce) that I did not cause her to drink. I am a good person.
I just have to learn about additictions and why & how.
and money. but I thought that we were working it out, and things were good. I am not a communicature I have always kept things inside. or as she would put it I sweep it under the carpet. 