i'm the only one - Al-Anon Family Group

flintfeet · Veteran Member

i'm the only one

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not the only one--your sis is bothered by it as well, she just wants to deal with it in a different manner. Hard on you--yes, but that is the way she is dealing with it. Come back here. Talk about it again and again. Get it out!! Only you know how often and how much you need to talk about it! Do what you need!!

One of the ladies I work with said that after she lost her husband (to what I do not know) all she could talk about was him and the pain and how sad she was. She knew she probably bugged her friends and that they got sick of hearing it all over and over, but it is what she needed to do to get it all out. I feel that same way about my a and other things I go through for that matter. I talk and talk and talk about it until I am ready to move on, or until I am able to make a clear decision in my mind. In a way we all here have lost something--not necesarily through death, but we all have had lots taken from us. Our lives definitely aren't where we would like them to be and that in itself if a loss!

Please don't feel like you shouldn't talk about it, because people might get tired of listening. Do what you need to do!

DAwn

pixel04 · Senior Member

Hi flintfeet,

Our family situations sound similar. I don't have any kids myself, so I can't provide my own experience. I can share what my brother has done. His daughter does not have contact with my parents when they are drunk or otherwise drugged up. When they are sober, he let's them have supervised contact. His daughter loves my parents in a way I wish I could, but I can't or won't or simply don't. And that's okay. It sounds like you may want your kids to meet a dad that doesn't exist. I can relate because I used to tell stories about how great my dad was - it was all wonderful, except none of the stories I told were true. Ironically, in the past couple of years as I have learned more about alcoholism and where my dad is at, I love him despite his problems. Would I take my kids to see him drunk? No. But I can talk about him respectfully now and I try not to change who he is in my mind. It might feel better to do that, but it's not true. Reality is tough but it is a simpler place to live than where I used to.

Don't worry about talking too much. Talk as much as you need to. As others have said, that's how you get things out and learn what you need to do for yourself. But, I would suggest you talk to the "right" people. Talk to other people in program. Post here. Go to meetings and talk to people there. Have you heard the expression "going to the hardware store to buy bread"? That's what I used to do when I would talk to people who couldn't or wouldnt understand my position or my unwillingness to just brush it under the rug. I might as well have been speaking a different language. Talking to people who get it has helped me to focus on myself in the issues I had and learn how to move on for me.

Hang in there flint - keep coming back...

Kristen

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I have a lot of fantasies about my family of origin when my mother died. I have an idea that my younger sister would then get into recovery. It did not happen and I was tremendously disappointed. Do you think you had a fantasy that your family would come together over your father's alcoholism. My two sisters are practically merged. And I must say when I visited my sister (the younger one who is an alcoholic) I noticed every picture in he album was of her drunk at some family function. There is tremendous denial in my family. I have to set a lot of limits around it. I think that can be very difficult to do.

There are lots of ways you can talk to your kids about alcholism. Watch documentaries. There is a great on pbs right now about two boys who grew up in dysfunctional homes. www.frontlines.org. One of them Chris has an alcoholic father who is end stage cirrhosis. He is almost non functional. There are scenes of him cajoling his son for money that are heart breaking. I think that is one way to go. There are lots of stuff on TV about alcoholism and you can draw parallels for them that way.

I know I am very sad that I do not get to talk to my sister(s) about the dysfunction that went on in my family and the abuse. At the same time I do talk about it a lot with others and I find value and validation in some of the relationships I have now. I did not have that before.

I do not talk to my partner the A about my childhood anymore. He does not want to know. He has got his childhood and his issues and his brothers addiction all stuffed down. I don't try to bring that out of him anymore. I longed to really discuss those things with him but it did not happen. I stopped. I know if I ask for support in that regard I do not get it. The other night I was crying about some childhood memories and he ignored me so I stopped even mentioning it to him. I don't keep going back to the same place and getting the same result.

Maresie.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Flint - when u hurt enough u will find the time and the courage to get to a meeting . for your sake I hope that's soon. your in pain about the decission u have made regarding your father. Your worth the effort flint and so is your dad. Louise

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Flint,

You sure got alot of good replies here. I felt alone too but when I found this site and it was open 24 hours a day, I was not lonely anymore. I met people at face to face too and felt like people finally understood how I felt and that eased my loneliness too. Keep reaching out and talking and I believe the loneliness will get better in time. your friend in recovery, cdb :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.