The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm frustrated this morning. My A is going to go help his Dad later this afternoon move some furniture around. He wants to take the puppy with him. I am angry that I am worrying about him getting high with his family. I'm angry I am worrying about my puppy. I know it is best if he meets them and their dog early. If I had children I would not want them around my A's family either. I once thought they were closeknit, I've learned they love one another when they are contributing to each other's illusions ... delusions. The rest of the time they don't really have any use for each other.
My estranged Grandmother's death has made me think of the fact that at 12 I chose to distance myself from a dysfunctional family. A family that asked my Mom and I to leave my biological father's funeral when I was 2. They expected her to pay for the funeral and raise me with no help, and to top it off no Social Security benefits because he worked for them and they did not pay into it properly. They didn't want to see me for 10 years because it hurt too much .... ohhh bite me, I know pain too and that is not a good way of dealing with it. He died in a drunk driving accident, supposedly a rare occurence for him, now I doubt even that .. have I been surrounded by this disease from day one? 32 years later and I am still mad, I may not have known it at 2 but I was mad. And hurt and probably frustrated just like I am this morning.
I am angry that if I can choose at 12 to not allow a dysfunctional family any more oppurtunities to mess up my happiness ... he can't at 35. It means he doesn't want to, he likes it, can't see the truth? I don't know and right now I don't care but not in the good detachment way.
I am so sorry about what happened to you as a child. ((((Jennifer)))) hugs. Working our alanon program is a process and unfortunately things just don't happen overnight. It sounds to me like you are on your way to healing and getting healthier just by getting your feelings and your story out. When serenity happens is different for everyone. Just by saying the serenity prayer was a start for me. It usually hits me when I am calm and the quietest. We too become part of the chaos and don't even know it. When we learn to detatch with love and start to make boundaries is when things start to change. When we change, things around us change. Be kind to yourself and take babysteps now. Connect with a Higher Power and keep coming back. The readings in the alanon books also talk to me and at times and give me serenity. Have you gotten any books or pamplets yet? Your serenity is not lost in my opinion. It could be right in front of your nose or in your heart or soul right now and you don't even know it :) Keep on coming back and I will be thinking of you! xoxoxoxo cdb :)
I wanted to respond to your post, because I so have been there, except is was a baby and not a puppy. Right now I am looking for serenity to. Will post later when I have found it.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
LOL I have found some serenity. Not much, but I was able to take it back from the person I had let take it from me.
Anyway--- When my "A" chooses to be around his family, I start wondering about what he will do or not do. But I can't control it, so I pray.
As for the puppy, I really don't know what to do. Is this something that you can talk to him about? The fact that in a sense this is your child, and you are not comfortable with the puppy in that situation? Can you have the family over at your place to introduce the puppy?
I hope you can find your serenity.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Jen, one way to feel serenity is to feel this sortof cement foundation inside you. NO matter what happens, nothing can penetrate it. As bad as i have ever felt, since i found serenity, the pain and fear stops there.
It stops when this foundation I have built, takes over and says, NO MORE>
My foundation is, if I am homeless I am. If he dies he dies, I can not control it. I have faith that I can rebuild, I can get well again. I have faith that when it is bad I will allow myself to rest and get some strength back.
I can actually feel this foundation right now. It in inpenetrable. can't be sure I spelled it right! But it is not breakable. I KNOW things will be ok even though the pain dibilitates me.
I KNOW hp cares and hold me close. If I feel real weird i ask him to please hang on tight. I have a lot of faith. I imagine things falling down around me, everyone is running, but I stay still and have hope. Even if I am killed or hurt, in the long run I will be ok becuz I am in the creators hands.
I hope this makes sense. It took a long time to get here and the foundation us getting stronger as I learn more alanon skills and as I support others too.
the serenity prayer is so perfect also. use it a lot!!! love,debilyn
I used the serenity prayer all day, I walked to the beat of the words i chewed my lunch to the same beat, i almost answered the phone at work with it instead of good morning name etc ... and I am doing GOOD.
My A knew without it being said I would be nervous, not for all the reasons just the most basic I have a puppy and I might as well be the nervous pacing Mom dog, he does know somethings about me well ... after I reminded myself that we've had 3 dogs, and nothing has ever happened to them in his care. He did pick him up, and take him along after deciding himself that he would introduce him to the family and then bring the puppy back and then go back to move the furniture. That worked for me. ~laugh~ Although i was still pacing in front of the window 15 minutes after he left, pleased to say I just wanted Sully back with me, my A's problems never even crossed my mind. Might be a good thing I do not have children, if I am this protective of a puppy
After some soul searching my bigger problem was feeling like I had to attend this funeral, that was the serenity breaker. I talked to another Al Anon member about the situation, just to hear an unbiased and guiltfree, needyfree opinion. I prayed for guidance. Then I found what was truly in my heart. I sent flowers addressed to my grandmother, the florist thought I was nutty but so what ... I've never spoken to another member of the family so it is logical to me. I asked for the card to read, you are in my prayers rest in peace with my name. I can't change the decisions they made long ago, and I can't change who they are, or their attitudes. None of them remaining have tried to contact me in the 15 years I have lived nearby with my name in the phone book, easy to find. And somehow I think I was truer to myself at 12 when I decided not to put myself in a position where their dysfunction could harm me, I'm sticking to it unless I see something to CHANGE MY MIND.
And then I decided not to feel bad over getting angry this morning, it's better than feeling helpless. I'm thinking it may be a part of my grieving process over giving up the illusion of control or just all the times I did not get mad are coming out now. I trust HP that I am feeling what I am supposed, am where I am supposed to be and will go where I am meant to go. I will keep offering up all my fear, resentment and now anger to my HP every day until I feel clean.
LOL sorry for the lengthy post it just came tumbling out! Thank you all!
