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Hi i am a 44 year old adult child of an alcoholic father. He drank from before I was born, I left home at 18, I have not had contact with him for more than 12 years. My mum lived with him for 27 years, had 4 children, left him when I was 27. She lives near me. My two sisters are in contact with us and are 4 to 5 hours away. My brother has not spoken to my mum since he was in his early 20's.
I have found a lovely husband, been married for 11 years and have 3 lovely children. My husbands mum was also a drinker and died from this and pancreatic cancer last year. I have been going to local Al anon meetings for 4 years. over the last year this has been less rather than more while i retrained (this took up any 'spare time' I had.)
I can recognise my responses to certain situations and try to use the lessons from Al Anon ..... and more and more I feel the relationship with my mum is breaking down.
She moved to be near me and my family 6 years ago. She has been the voice of criticism in my ear ever since
We can not have an adult -adult conversation. Whatever it involves I am wrong and she is setting me right, I am not walking the dog correctly , the kids aren't dressed correctly, have too many toys which they don't look after, etc etc I had begun to think she could not have realised she was saying the words out loud as they were so hurtful but my last meeting focusing on 'don't take the bait' mad me wonder if she is taking on the role. I know she did the programme for 7 years and now feels she has been there and done it and doesn't need it again but I don't see that in how she acts. This week has been about Christmas. My 8 year old had asked her for a metal detector when he was asked what he wanted. My mum asked me to find a decent one not a toy one so that it would work (he has had a toy version before which was very disappointing). This i did and sent her a website link only for her to say she had bought one from Argos. I had also suggested that she ask my sisters to divide the cost between the three of them.... a day later she phoned me and said that my sisters would come in and buy the more expensive detector but only with the caveat that Robin looked after it properly... and like wise with the oldest boy who wanted some money towards a bike, he could only have it if he looked after it properly and shouldn't expect a new one if it went wrong, etc etc. Fred has lots of bikes , different sizes and types and it wouldn't have been my first choice for him to get another however it is another different type and where we live means he is able to use all of his bikes and does so frequently.
I said she really didnt have to and could do something else and she replied with no she said she would but they must.....
Writing this and speaking it in my head it does seem trivial but its the top of a huge iceberg and part of me would like to walk away, which is really sad as I have always seen her as my closest friend but I cant see that now. I don't challenge until really really pushed which happened over the 5 yr old and school uniform - she was nicer for a while then back to normal.
I am tired of biting my tongue, finding excuses for how she is and what she says and would like a normal relationship with her. For my birthday I got a fireside companion set as I had not been fast enough in responding and getting one when she had said , now for Christmas i am in line for mould resistant paint - we have very little money especially to spend on my husband and I, we dont go out much, dont buy non essentials and so i was looking forward to a little cash to spend on a facial/massage... well on me and now thats gone too.........................
Hi and welcome to the forum. I have been trying to reply to your post but I am unsure how to do it. It seems to me that your mum,who has been affected by alcoholism is having an affect on you and you have also been affected by alcoholism. The part in your post about your mums request that your child takes care of his gift seems reasonable to me but I'm thinking this is just part of the whole control issue your mum has. She wants to control everything and this is impacting on your self esteem. Maybe you need to set boundaries. Like, if she starts to criticise you could confront her, tell her you dont like it and will walk away anytime you hear it again. Stick to this and it will stop eventually. If she starts controlling things with your kids do the same thing, tell her in a calm way, its much more effective than a screaming match.
You could also work on your compassion for your Mum, she has been affected by alcoholism, like you and everyone here, this can lead to behaviours that you have described. Alanon, is more about us though, working not on changing anyone but ourselves, have you considered that maybe you are obsessed with your Mothers behaviour just as she is obsessed with yours? There is hope but you may have to start working your program again and putting all that focus back on you and your own life. Take care.x
You are not alone. Please search out alanon Face to Face meetings and attend. The answers to all that you find troubling can be found in the support, sponsorship and the Steps that are the tools of alanon recovery
Thanks everyone - I have taken bits from all - I don't think I am obsessed but it does occupy my mind far too much š I can feel her at times making a huge effort to be nice that it's obvious .... But as someone said she is a victim too . Thanks everyone
