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Late last night my A husband called...drunk:( He started calling me awful names..before I would have gotten pissed off and retailiated with some mean comments,hollering back etc.Well not this night.I was calm and actually nice.I said...I love you and will not say hurtful things to you,call me when your feeling better,have a good night..goodbye.He called this morning to apologize..I said I wasn`t mad I knew he was drunk..no big deal.That felt so good to rise above all that crap...to be the better person..you know?
You did a great job by not retaliating. But I think you have every right to be angry that he did that. By saying that you weren't mad because you knew he was drunk, just gives him an excuse for the next time he is mean to you. You can't excuse his behavior because he was drunk. He needs to take ownership for the fact that he made the choice to drink, therefore, he was in the wrong for what he did to you.
Please don't take offense to what I have said. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to bring you down, because I commend you for rising above his crap. Just don't sell yourself short. You don't deserve that. Take care of yourself. If he does it again don't waste your time, just hang up the phone. Make it clear that you will not tolerate his abuse.
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Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
Good for you. I always over-reacted, got upset, cried, yelled, etc. at the a when he was drunk. It takes a lot of work and courage to be the bigger person. When this situation happens to me now, I just imagine HP holding my husband gently, as he rages in his pain. My HP also is holding me, allowing me to be kind. This does not mean I excuse the A's behavior. I just do not let it upset me and ruin the serinity that has been so hard to come by. Yes, the A needs to take responsibility for his words and actions...will he? Probably not while active. So, you can't make him take responsibility, but you can take responsibility for your reaction. How the A is feeling, and trying to make you feel, has nothing to do with you. You are not the bad things they say, and you know that. You are so good to just be able to say love you, goodnight, and not get into a bunch of conversation with a drunk. It always made me feel better when mine called and was drinking, to tell him I loved him (which I do) and goodnight. Then I could go to sleep with a clear mind. An A cannot take responsibility, for some reason. We alanons must all just decide how much we can tolerate, and take care of ourselves meantime. Fighting back, not saying I love you, and hanging up on someone never made me feel good. Just being calm and saying I love you, even when he is drunk, helps me sleep better. Keep up the good work. I'm with ya!
Allison, I think you did great. There is no reasoning with someone drinking, therefore no reason to have to deal with them. By dismissing them you take away the attention they want.
It makes me realize just how trying to deal my my A has sometimes been like dealing with a petulant little child.
-- Edited by Amanda at 11:30, 2006-01-25
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
