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once again im facing the same decision that i came here with but in a whole new way. my eyes are getting opened even more. im beginning to see more of how things really are. when i first came here i would talk about how all i wanted was for my a to be sober and for things to be normal again. even though i was warned even if he is sober many problems will still exist. well the day has come. he is sober 23 days today. actually the proper term would be dry. he is going to tons of meetings but not working it. we went to an aa meeting last night with his mom (even though she is a pill addict) and the meeting touched me so much. i loved it. when we walked out my a didnt seem fazed in any way what so ever. this is the same guy who a week ago told me he finally sees he can never touch a drink again and he is so powerless and needs this program. that his life is truly unmanageable. but after the meeting last night he told me he doesnt want to do the program, he thinks he can stay sober and just go to meetings. today he says he wants to be able to drink again someday. the meeting last night was based on how an alcoholic can never drink responsibly and will always be an alcoholic and in order to remain sober, must work the program. im shocked, and disgusted with him. he is misleading all of us around him. he lies to others making it seem this is what he wants but i know in my heart its not. i got what i wanted somewhat, so why am i still bitching? even if he does get sober for real, there is such a high chance of relapse? what am i doing? all that sticks in my mind is how horrible this disease is and how much worse it gets. i see this and know i dont want to have to deal with this crap the rest of my life and always expect the worse and feel comfortable in telling him this isnt working...... then when i say it i all of a sudden flip back and say how can we make this work? i will stay a little longer and see if he changes. but even dry he treats me horribly, he is constantly in my face, trying to get a reaction out of me until i snap. i get away from the situation but then he just steps it up a notch until i just cant take it. i know he wants this reaction. i know its all a game. but why would you want to make someone you love so stressed out? when i think of the past 7 years i can honestly say now only the first year was good. that is the person i fell in love with. the past six years have been filled with disrespect, disloyalty, hate, anger, resentment, mindgames everything. what am i fighting for? what am i trying to hold on to? he is beginning to be impossible to live with dry or wet. really if i stay, what am i up against? whether he is active or not, will i ever be happy? will my needs ever be met? will he ever respect me? sorry this was so long im just trying so hard to come to some sort of realization and see what i need to do
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I don't know if it's the same as what I have gone through but sounds like it. My ex would try to do everything he could to start an argument or fight with me. Then that validated him going to get a drink. After all, if I hadn't argued or fought with him he wouldn't have had to do that right? So it's my fault. All that does is validate what they are doing when they know it's wrong. In their minds it gives them an excuse. It took me a long time to realize what he was doing. You'd think we tied em up and forced the drink down their throats!!! lol
Hang in there and keep coming back! Sounds to me like you are making progress on yourself!
when my a pushes my buttons i could see in the past of how he would use that as an excuse to drink. but currently he is not drinking, so what could be his reason for acting like this?
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Not sure how much your A was drinking but if his body is withdrawing from the lack of alcohol he will not be a nice person to be around. Just work your program NSN to look after yourself and when you are ready HP will guide you in the right direction. Luv Leo x
Sometimes you remove the alcohol but the behavior remains. Especially if he is not working his program. I have been dating this guy who has been sober for 9 years. He does the same thing...keeps acting like an A even though he does not drink. He triggers me constantly and I have to work really hard not to react to it. I told him tonight I can't do this anymore. I just am not healthy enough to be around him. I feel such relief! Keep working on you....the answers will come.
yes you can get your needs met, and you are the only one who can do that. In my experience I will not expect the A to fill any need I have, not one. I do not need him.
It was the only way I could find happiness. An A is a very sick person. If they do get a program of recovery going they can be very pleasant to be around. The reality is they relapse and or fall back to the same yucky behaviors. It is the nature of the disease.
For me the only way i could be around A was not care about the disease at all. Not even think about it anymore. Accept A as is and think on and take care of me.
Does not matter to me if he uses, is sober, has a program, goes to rehap, goes to jail that is his life. If I choose to be around him I take it all on.
The only reason he is not here is becuz my A is also an abuser. I have had enough of that bs. I could stop him, but he is quicker and I don't know when he will strike. so he has the advantage.
Anyway I had to ask myself, what would make me want to be around him? What would make me even want to live with him? Now I have no desire to even be around him as he is. Disease or not, I do not like him anymore at all.
One thing I did notice is how you are so into his program or his AA experience. I honestly do not think anyone knows how someone else feels. For me it is his business if he does a program or not. I cannot know what he is getting out of meetings. He only knows and frankly I do not care.
What i care about is how he treats himself and others. I don't want to know why or what he has learned. Talk all ya want, but I go by what you do or don't do.
I watch what everyone does not what they say.
I liked your post a lot, it was very honest. love, debilyn
This is a great summary post, of why we need OUR programs of recovery so much.... Today, your focus is on him... what he does (or doesn't) do, say, use, berate, whether he is kind to you or mean, whether he is happy or sad, etc., etc., etc....
You are asking the open ended question of "when will I be happy", but underneath that, it is all too enmeshed with the insinuation that "if he does xxxxxx, I will then be happy"... It is a vicious cycle, that we have all gone through...
The basis of our program, of our recovery, is that we need to get ourselves healthy, REGARDLESS of what our A's do.... When we do this, we are always better off in the long run, because we can make decisions for ourselves..... Once we grow to a healthy level and respect, for ourselves, we stop putting up with unacceptable behavior from others.... We do this by "honoring ourselves", and putting our own needs in their rightful place of high importance. This is "self-care" as opposed to "selfish"....
When we are sick, and hurting, we tend to lash out.... tend to demand things from our A's, and others in our lives, that they may not be capable of giving us.... It is an absolute recipe for failure...
As you learn to love and respect yourself, the answers, for you, will become much more straightforward.... Sometimes our A's will see what is happening, and it might spur them on to their own recovery, sometimes they do not. Almost certainly, the timing of each of our respective recoveries will not be identical.
Today, your "happiness and serenity" is very much dependant upon your A, whom, as you have truthfully pointed out, is not very reliable. Think of how your life will be, when you get yourself to a place where YOU are responsible for your happiness and well-being, and you stop giving your A, or anyone else, that "power" to make you unhappy.
Al-Anon helps us get there..... Never as quickly as we'd like, of course, but it really does help.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hey darlin! I know it is difficult to let go of something/someone you love so much. I struggle with that daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute. I know I feel like if I give up what have I gained after all that effort I have put in? Hope is disguised in many ways in my experience....when I read your post I felt like I saw hope for you and that made me smile even though I saw how horrible you are feeling. There is so much pain in this process when we fight it so hard, I should say when I fight it so hard :o) Keep taking care of yourself! ...my favorite saying in the meetings is "we will love you until you can love yourself"
please don't ever apologize for writing how you feel - even if it takes a few more words than you'd like ((((NSN))))
