The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is lovely that you want to support Dad as he recovers. Many rehabs have a specific regulations and request that family members abide by them I would check with the rehab and ask what is acceptable Please know that alcoholism and drug addiction are considered, progressive fatal diseases over which we are powerless. Remembering that we did not cause this disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it, it is important to learn to take care of ourselves in order to support the recovering family member The best we can do for ourselves and the person suffering from the disease is to seek recovery for ourselves. Alanon and this Board is just that recovery program. Alanon face to face meetings can be found in most communities and I suggest you check the white pages for the main number.
In alanon we learn to break the isolation caused by the disease, focus on ourselves, live one day at a time,trusting our inner guidance.
Please keep coming back here you are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 4th of November 2013 10:15:16 AM
Background story (if you'd care to read):I've never been on here before, but I needed some advice so I figured I'm come on here. Growing up, I knew that my dad was an alcoholic, but things weren't so bad because he would stay sober for many years, and then maybe every 3 or 4 years or so (maybe more, I'm not sure, I was quite young) he would slip up. He'd leave at night and not come back until morning, and beg for my mother and my forgiveness. We'd always forgive him and then he'd go back to his meetings, and things would go back to normal. This past summer we went out of town for a family trip, long story short he left one night and came back to the hotel drunk. He cursed at my mother, my little brothers and I and was getting violent. We were forced to call hotel security. He was taken to jail and we left without him the next day. Miraculously my mother took him back, and after a few weeks he came back to live with us at home and things were normal again, although it happened a little too fast, and I don't think we should have forgiven him so soon. But I thought that, that was him hitting rock bottom, that he'd never drink again...fast forward a couple months later and he sent me a picture message of his 60 day chip he got at AA and it said "thank you for being the sunshine in my life"...three days after I got that text message he disappeared. Told my brothers he was going to run some errands and never came back. My mom could see that he was taking out money from a horrible neighborhood, so she drained the account so he couldn't get money any longer. I was more disappointed and angry than anything. He told my mom that he had been paying the bills but left us with four months of bills unpaid :/. I didn't hear about his whereabouts for 15 days. I was preparing myself to hear that he had died...and, once again, to make a long story short he ended up contacting his sponsor and now he is going to rehab. I unfortunately found out that not only is my dad an alcoholic, but he is addicted to crack cocaine as well. I found out that when my Mom left on trips for work he'd leave when my brothers and I were asleep to get drugs and whatnot, and come back in time to wake us up for school :(. This really is nothing like my father. I know that my dad is a good person, but he is very, very, very ill.
So here's my question: Now that my dad is in rehab, i want to really be there to support him. I know that he won't change his ways for me, and he'll only change when he wants to change for himself. And I know that if he relapses again, it won't be my fault...but I feel like my Dad has no one right now, and maybe that's a good thing? So that he feels like he has lost everything so he must change...or should I show him that I am here for him and that I believe in him? He contacted me a couple of days ago crying on the phone, saying that he was so sorry and that he couldn't go another day without hearing my voice, that he was alive and in a rehab close by. My dad and I are very close, we would always say that we are more like best friends rather than father and daughter. I felt uncomfortable talking to him on the phone, do you think it'd be appropriate to write him a letter?Maybe give him an update of what I've been up to and then sometime in the near future visiting him? Also would it be appropriate to bring him things like maybe get him a book he's wanted to read? Or maybe knit him a blanket or something? I don't know. Half of me wants to do nice things for him and bring him books and write him letters and things because I know that he's hurting and the other half is still a bit angry at him for leaving. So should I do nice things for him? Or maybe treat him with tough love...or maybe somewhere in between. What's appropriate and what isn't? Thank you!
You are an angel and your father is a very fortunate man. I am so sorry you are dealing with the pain and confusion of these addictions. I know others will be responding to you to give you better counsel than I am able to right now. I just wanted you to know there are many of us here that will hold you in our prayers. Keep coming back here so we can give you support. You are very brave and loving.
Angellerose: What a beautiful name you have chosen for yourself. You sound like a very mature and very loving person. Other folks will weigh in on your post. I just want to welcome you and tell you how sorry I am that your Dad is so ill and how lucky he is to have a daughter like you. Please keep coming back here. There are people who have gone through things very similar to what you are now. They will be happy to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
you do not say if you are attending al anon face to face meetings I hope you are, I have learnt so much and have some peace in my life today.
My partner has been in AA for four years, he has been sober this time for 15 months and is attending meetings regular.
Everytime he got sober went into rehab my sponsor would say KEEP YOUR HOPES HIGH AND EXPECATATIONS LOW.
Your dad is trying and it sounds like he keeps trying this is a good sign. However this disease is powerful it is hard to get sober and a battle to stay that way.
No one can tell you what you should do but we can share our experience.
I have boundaries today that protect me, when my partner is actively using I tell him i love him but can not watch him kil himself. I go to lots of meetings and leave him to it and pray for him.
When he hits a rock bottom and gets help i slowly get back into his life but i have to see actions not just promises.
When in rehab visiting is limited because they have a ot of work to do. I used this time to go to al anon and work on my pain and resentments. Once the drinking stops we have to clear away the mess, the more family members in recovery in al anon helps to do this.
hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest.
Hi and welcome to MIP :) So glad you've reached out and asked questions! Wow - that shows so much courage and I'm happy you are able to do this for YOU! I was NOT able to do it! Didn't think of it, didn't know it was possible and I know it would have done me so much good, and saved me so much wasted time! I hope you continue to seek help for yourself from here on out. I always convinced myself that it didn't really affect ME all that much. That was the farthest thing from the truth, but my denial was strong.
It sounds like you are young and still living at home, and I hope there are alateen meetings in your town where you can connect to other young recovering people. If you are no longer a teen, I would check to see if there are adult child of alcoholic meetings. Depending on where you live, they could be combined with alanon or a group of people that are only dealing with parents that are alcoholics. While most of the messages are the same, it will be comforting for you to relate to the feelings of other children of alcoholics who have many times created a false self in order to be protected (and to protect the alcoholic parent) which can lead to many problems for you if not looked at and faced with recovery solutions. Explanations of 'false self' can be found in the literature - and there is also something called a 'laundry list'. This is a list of things you may find you identify with as a child of an alcoholic. More information can be found right here on this site as there is a group for 'family teens' and 'ACOA' adult child of alcoholics. Going to the main pages of those forums can lead to information, literature, and more support groups. No matter if you continue your journey here or there - it is all very good and finding live meetings will be so important for you to give yourself the best possible chance at a healthy recovery for YOU> The affects of this disease can be as devastating for the loved ones of alcoholics, as for the alcoholic themselves. I know you love your father deeply and want to do what's best. All a loving parent wants for their child is to be happy and healthy - so please do this for YOU. It sounds like your father is in there somewhere, and loves you very much. The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest - reducing his own shame and guilt. Tell him you love him and that you'll be looking forward to seeing him again when he's healthier.
I too am the child of an alcoholic - and I feel your pain. It's not your responsibility to make this better. Him having this disease does not mean you did anything wrong to make it happen. Nothing YOU did, made this - ever. Not one single drop. A child is meant to have a childhood - or 'teen'hood. Leave the results of his illness to your Higher power, and live your life for you. You only get this chance once. You are allowed to love him and hate the disease in him. Talk about it - and keep sharing please :)
It is clear that you care about your father very much. I'm glad you have found Al-Anon.
I know that feeling of wanting things to go better so much and of hoping to contribute to the process. One thing to remember is that people in recovery, especially in early recovery (the first year or two) aren't able to respond very well to regular interaction. I mean for instance if your father were on a regular trip, you might send him a letter or a blanket, and he would respond appropriately. But in recovery, his responses could be all over the map -- he could thank you effusively and then never mention it or behave as if you'd done it, or he could never mention it at all, or he could be grateful and then go on and on sentimentally about it for months in an odd way. Their minds are recovering and not quite on an even keel. So when we make gestures like that, we have to keep from having expectations about how they will respond -- which is quite hard, actually. Maybe a short note wishing him well but not being very personal would be something that would help keep your expectations in check.
I know that also you must be wanting to have a little contact and reassurance that he's still "dad." I'm sure "dad" is still in there but that may require some patience to get to.
Paradoxically the most helpful thing we can do to preserve our loving relationship with those in recovery (or even not in recovery) is to get our own tools of recovery. If we go to Al-Anon or Ala-Teen and start working the program, reading the literature, maybe finding a sponsor, reading the messages on these boards -- that will help us stay on an even keel so that we can process what's happened and know what to do in the future. That keeps us from being reactive to the A -- I mean from having extreme reactions (too much anger, too much clinginess, or other things we can sometimes develop) which damage our relationship with them. We get perspective and aren't blown around by the winds of the disease. I hope you'll do that for your dad's recovery -- and for your own sake.
All of this must have been so challenging. Take good care of yourself.
