The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Our son was ordered to complete an 18 session alcohol class at a local mental health facility as a result of a second DUI. He completed the course in October. It appeared that he was not an alcoholic but a social drinker who makes poor choices when it comes to his companions. He had stopped seeing a lot of his "friends" and seemed to be avoiding situations that got him into trouble. We were encouraged by this. Yesterday morning we got a call from him telling us that he had been arrested for public intoxication and resisting arrest.
Our son is 22 and works construction (it is very seasonal and he has not been working for about three weeks). We have allowed him to live at home until he goes back to work this coming week. After yesterday's arrest we decided to give him a set amount of money and tell him he couldn't live here anymore (he may visit after calling first). We told him that the money was to give him time to find a place to live but when it's gone we will give him no more. He will have to make his way on his own. Wouldn't you know that his permission to reapply for his driver's license came yesterday? This is really scary!
We are worried sick about what will happen to him. Have we done the right thing?
Hee is young enough to maybe learn a lesson and take care of his issues. He is old enough to be able to stand on his own without a saftey net of running back to mommy and day every time something bad happens that is of his own making. He is old enough to take responsibility for his actions. i think your appraoch to this was good, maybe even the only thing you could do that might give him a wake up call. Just one opinion...
Hi ...I can relate to your post. I love it when we hear "let em go and let God" ...I love it and hate it at the same time. The truth is, it's true. Fact is fact. I may not like it, but after 7 kids I can tell you it's true. I posted a post earlier about my grandaughter (YIKES !) and I hate the situation, but I accept that it just is. Sounds to me you are doing a great job! I wish now I had been as strong as you seem to be already. I know it's hard ... possibly the hardest, letting our kids go and watching them make their mistakes.
Lately I have found comfort as I work my steps, realizing that I am truly powerless and always have been. God has a plan for our childrens lives that we can't possibly see. Looking back on my own life, maybe I had to go through some of the consequences of my own choices to learn and become the person I am today. God has somehow taken care of me. I have to trust He is doing the same for my children. He and only He can follow them as they go through life and know what is the right thing for them. I just have to TRUST Him. He loves them more even than I do. If you think about it long enough, it's kind of a relief to accept that all we have to do is love them and be there for them when we can ...God actually has the really hard job.
Besides, my thoughts and choices are what got me here ...why would I even think I could possible make choices for them !!!!
Hope this helps somehow. Maybe I'm rambling. The fear and the worry may still be there, but I am trying to walk hand and hand with God through all this. Don't deny your valid feelings of concern, but feel them and walk through them. You are not alone.
Glad you are here!
I am not where I want to be .... but thank God I am not where I used to be!
Thank you, Irish. I, again, could not attend church this morning because I was afraid that I would break down. This has happened over and over. I spent the morning praying for peace, guidance and God's care for our son. I also have prayed for years that God would send someone to make a difference in his life. Even though I know that God is able I, humanly, am frightened, upset and very tired.
My husband and I are not always in total agreement concerning how to handle this situation. My husband is more the enabler than I am (the way he was raised - his sister parents in the same way). I am afraid that he will, again, not let our son be a man. Yesterday he was 100% for this plan but he has folded in the past. Our son is very bright and knows just what to say and how to manipulate things to go his way. I am the stronger one (the way I was raised) but feel unsure and guilty. I am quicker to say "No" but then feel guilty and double-think my choice. I try very hard not to let anyone know about my regrets. Our daughter is 15 and is just as sick of her brother's situation. She has a lot of resentment and often states, "It's always all about (son)."
This is the fourth time our son has been arrested for an alcohol-related offense. He was also asked to leave college because of an authority incident that came about because of his drinking.
Pagenie: I can empathise with being exhausted. My a (my boyfriend) lives in perpetual crisis. There is no room for my life in there.
I can also understand about being surrounded by people who do not hold the same view as you. He has his mother who hates me and would rather he have no one. He has a brother who uses with him and friends who use with him. Therefore it is easy for me to be the "baddie". If I set the line too far he simply tells me to leave this minute. One day it will be this minute and I will leave but I am not in a position to just yet.
I hope you will take care of you at this time. I know I often get overwhelmed with frustration around the A's constant self destructiveness. What I have learned is that I am no longer interested in hearing the dog and pony stories I once leapt on so avidly as a way to justify his actions. Now I hold him entirely responsible for his adult life. I also hold myself entirely responsible for my own adult life and that does not include allowing his craziness to bring me to low points. I have enough issues of my own to contend with.
From here it looks like you are being firm but not harsh. It's so hard, I know, to know what to do with our kids - we naturally want to shield them from serious consequences. Have you let him know that you still love him? Does he feel rejected personally, or understand that it is his behaviour that you won't accept, not him? I have found that when I have to be firm with my kids, if I can do it in a loving, rather than angry fashion, I can live with myself better, and they are more likely to accept it.
