The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I am a 56 year old grandma raising a grandaughter since she was a baby. She will be 17 yrs old a week from today. She has always had a very strong will, and I have always actually respected that part of her and seen it as a good part of her when directed towards positive things. Naturally, she hasn't always directed it that way. LOL
She has been seeing a 21 yr old boy who recently got out of prison for meth and is on parole. When she first started seeing him I didn't know about. (sneaky strong will lol) Then when we were made aware of it, we sat down with both of them and tried to point out some possible scenarios of what might or might not happen concerning his parole. We knew if we told them they absolutely could not see each other they would do it anyway. (Strong will ... again)
We allowed them to see each other with some boundaries set in place. They seemed to be respectful of the boundaries although they didn't always agree. They obeyed the curfews, kept us updated on where they were and when etc. (obviously with cell phone i am aware that maybe they were where they said they were and maybe not) However even though I felt he was not good for her, I could not control how she felt and her choices.
Last week his mother came by and said someone had turned him in to the parole board for seeing an underage girl (16) and they were putting an ankle bracelet on him and he was not allowed to have any contact with her. I don't believe for a second that was the real reason he got the bracelet, but I have no proof. He said he asked the parole officer if they could see each other when she turned 17, which is one week and she said he couldn't stop them and it was their choice. Anyway, last night some of her friends invited her over to their house to have dinner, along with their parents, and we let her go ... knowing full well that she could possibly see him since they are all friends. We knew this but let her go since we have already gone over the possible consequences of his and her actions and felt they had to make their choices. Later she called crying and yes, he had been over there at her friends and I guess they got into an argument outside, and she was crying .....hmmm, I'm assuming they must have been fairly loud because a police showed up and asked her if she was okay. (she was standing in the street, and he was in his pickup.) When he saw the police he peeled out and took off and of course the police went after him and stopped him. It seems a warrant had been put out for his arrest Wed so they arrested him. (he was not arrested over their argument) Now my daughter is blaming herself for his arrest, although she actually is not the reason for it. The fact is he was not attending AA or NA meetings (was having someone forge his attendance papers), has a suspended license, and associates with others on parole and known drug users. His mom's b/f is also on parole for same issue and doing all the same things concerning his parole. Their family has always lived in this ongoing chaos and my daughter is "choosing" to be drawn into it. Now his mom has called and wants her to go with her to visit him.
I love my al-anon and I am really working to use my steps here. With 6 other kids before her, been there--done that with this stuff. I see her quickly being drawn in the world of al-anon herself and can't stop it.
I too have teenagers, and I think one of the hardest things in my life right now (aside from living with my A) is watching them make mistakes. My 18 year old son, who never drank all the way through school, was invited by a co-worker at his new job to get drink. This coworker felt it was his duty or something to get my son drunk for the first time. My son told me about it, I asked him not to go, but in the end he went. Now my son comes and goes, and doesn't usually say what he's up to. It's extremely frustrating and heartbreaking for me as a mom, but he is 18 and will make his own choices. All I can do is give him tools and advice and the rest is up to him. It sounds like that is what you have done with your granddaughter, offered your opinion, advice, and set some boundaries. The rest is up to her, hard as it is. I wish you strength.
It sounds like you are really using "Let go and let God". You are right, if she wants to follow the path she is on, then she will. You trying to stop her will only push her down that path faster. Well, at least, that was me when my parents tried to stop me from going down my path. Pushed me right into my "A"s arms.
Keep working your program.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
What a phenomenal insight you have on how your grand daughter is caught up with this man. I know your acceptance of all the hooks that bring her into this relationship will someday help her out of it. As someone who was of course always that teenager (even when I was an adult) the man who "needed" me was a tremendous hook. I never did put myself into that equation.
I learned in my family of origin to be totally over responsible for others. I learned that I was going to be abandoned if I did not. I also learned to live in tremendous chaos. I have had to unlearn that and just be responsible for me. That is such a hard task. And moving out of chaos another hard task for me.
A friend of mine has said to me an addict will always invite you into their chaos and when I look at my 4th step I can see that so often. Pretty early on in every relationship I became aware of the chaos. There were times when I was dating I said no thanks to the chaos but my own loneliness and deep seated sense of needing to belong somewhere drew me to those associations eventually. I felt deeply uncomfortable and out of place around men who cared about me. In a relationship with an alcoholic I could "hide" very well.
Your share is masterful in your understanding of the hooks that hold your grand daughter in this relationship. I wish I could see my own relationships so clearly.
Wow, thank you all so much for your responses. You really have helped me see the picture better and I draw strength from your responses.
What a crazy world we live in! LOL Maybe I can see the "hooks" a little better right now because I am 56 and ......been there done that myself more than once. Because of that, I am more clearly able to understand the fact that she cannot and chooses not to see them herself.
Even as I got older I began to see them but usually chose "heart" over "head". Finally I am actually "working" the steps, not just reading them and things are starting to change for me.
It's easier for me now to give her to God and let Him worry over those things. lol All I need to do is love her .....He has the hard job ahead.
I'm not where I wanna be, but thank God I'm not where I use to be.
GIRLS LOVE THE BAD BOY! everyone always says that, but i am living proof that girls go for that. i had a b/f that was in the same kind of family. the people i hung around were either users or "providers." my parents could not stop that. it's good that they didn't b/c i wouldn't have listened. they casually mentioned how nice, good-looking, smart other guys were. i just shrugged them off. my b/f was arrested for this and that, i saw some things that normal people would just see in their nightmares, and finally i got tired of it. i finally "woke up" and realized that it was not the kind of life i wanted to live. i started a new job at a gym (on a military base), and found a new circle of friends-that had some goals and a future. one day a good-looking military captian came in. i looked at my friend and said that was the man i was going to marry. we've been married 5yrs, have 2 children, and every day i thank god for getting me out of the situation. maybe help her (seemingly unintentional) find a new circle of friends. start her in an activity that he is not involved with (like a school thing). hopefully she'll decide that she doesn't want to travel that troubling road.
good luck. hopefully this is just a phase and she'll have a story book ending like me.
