The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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It's Sunday morning and my husband is sleeping. The kids are playing around me and I am so tired from worrying. I hate weekends. My husband has a great job that he as far as I know is managing pretty successfully. It's the rest of his time that is a mess. He spends the weekends drinking or recovering from drink. He lies about his drinking all the time. He becomes nasty, aggressive, emotionally abusive towards me. Namecalling, mocking, bullying....I love him so much but this is ruining us. Our children are young but are beginning to be affected. They are a bit apprehensive towards their daddy. I have know him for over ten years and this is not him. The real man is loving, caring, intelligent and funny. How can I help him towards helping himself??? Help
Have you tried talking to him about his problem? Does he acknowledge that he has a problem? As much as you would like everything fixed, there's nothing that can be done for him until he sees that he has a problem. If he hasn't been able to admit to it yet, then you definitely need to seek help for yourself. I know it's hard to get help for yourself, but trust me, it will help you deal with things a lot better.
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Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
You already did it. YOU can help HIM by helping you. I know it sounds crazy, and I totally did nto believe it at first but it is true. You are in a great place here with Alanon. It is a program that teached us to put ourselves first, to restore sanity for ourselves. In many instances that may help the alcoholic to seek a better way for themself.
Read Alanon literature, come here to the boad or stop in the chat room, go to an Alanon meeting in your area. Learn as much as you can about this program and the disease of alcoholism.
Alanon has alot of tools to help us cope. I like the opening that says living with an alcoholic is more than most of us can bear. Now and back when our kids were younger, I found that I had to literally ask my husband for everything. "Would you be willing to go on a picnic, would you be willing to fix the fence, would you be willing to turn the TV off?" And now that we are separated, "would you be willing to talk personally, would you be willing to read this Alanon literature?" He sorta hangs out in a neutral zone and doesn't think and doesn't know the impact of his behavior. My A is a wonderful man and I miss him terribly but only he can hit bottom and get help for himself.
Hi Liv first thing you can do is put the 3 c's somewhere where you can remind yourself of them daily and when he does get nasty they will help you through. The person you can take care of is yourself and we will support you through it. You have already got past first base by coming here, if you don't believe in God there is a higher power who led you here. Now that you have reached out you will be overwhelmed by the love and understanding on this board. We have all been there. Contact your local al-anon group and you will find there is a wealth of information. Luv Leo x
It is hard to watch them sink into the addiction, and we so much want to scream out a warning for what we see coming, but most often that warning will go unheard.
What we can do is focus on us. Work our program and in some cases the "A" takes notice of our changes, and then they themselves may start changing. But there is no magic button that we can push to show them the path that they are on, or the true nature of what they are doing to those that love them.
Keep coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I certainly live with someone who can be abusive, mocking and mean. I try hard not to take it personally. I also try really hard to focus on myself and my needs and my goals. Before I was consumed with his abuse and on some level his using. The withdrawal from the holidays used to take all year. This year I finally after 5 years came to the conlusion that what he wants to do on the holidays is to drink and use its not personal to me. Its what he has always done. I need to make my own arrangements for the holidays. I tried one cooking for myself but that was pretty lonely so in a while (for my birthday) I will try other things that do not include him. As he was certainly not interested in my celebrations at all, I will celebrate apart from him.
Long term I do not think I want to be with an alcoholic/addict but short term I have to just keep working on ways to separate myself from his chaos and focus on my own recovery. I have my own recovery issues around control/confusion/abuse issues (from my family of origin) that are pretty consuming too. I have always done that work alone he has never been interested. I no longer look to him for interest/care/sympathy. He has proved over and over he is not in the least bit concerned.
Thank you all for your replies. The weekend is over and I got my man back for a few days. Sunday didn't go too bad. Just a few negative remarks from hubby but over all OK. He did drink too much though. He actually says it himself, that he drinks too much, but he just doesn't think he is out of control. The worst was over the holiday period. He was mad. I worry about the kids, especially our 4 year old who is beginning to be affected I think. I just want him back. 2005 was pure hell for loads of reasons and that was when the drinking got really bad. I am not giving up on my marriage or on him. I love him too much and actually feel stronger in myself than ever but it doesn't mean I feel in control yet.
