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It's all happened so fast, all within 5 weeks. He leaves home to go work and 'says' he's hoping for a better opportunity for me and kids and a new life, more money, a fresh start. He's supposed to be back in two weeks for Xmas. Instead, he relapses, almost dies, goes to the hospital, gets out, decides to do outpatient there instead of coming home because it would be free for him, to suddenly becoming cold, distant, and now wants a divorce. This is all so shocking, to me and our kids. They can't believe what is coming out of his mouth. He can't face me and tell me in person. He can't come back to get his affairs in order, all his stuff is still in our home. He says he's doing this for me, for the kids because he loves us and believes this is what's best for us.
He says it's him, he's more messed up in the head aside from the alcohol. He says he died in that hotel room, and believes his HP is giving him a new chance at life because he doesn't want to die. This means, starting a whole new life in another state away from wife and kids. And to now want a divorce, no seperation, no councelling, no waiting, but a divorce, now, while he can be strong enough to do it. 16 years of my life with man, with future plans, with a home, 4 kids, all sorts of things, all gone because he believes this is best for everyone?!?!? He says what good is it if he comes back and then drinks again and is dead? Well, I believe it would be better because the kids and I would have closure, knowing he didn't really chose to leave us. But no, he is chosing to leave us, to be selfish because he believes its the only thing that will keep him sober. I would think, in the end, the guilt of abandonding your family would make you drink more than facing them and going back into your so called "comfortable" life which he has suddenly decided through his "treatment" that his comfortable life is what was making him unhappy and wanting to drink away the unhappiness in the first place. Sounds to me like we are getting all the blame for his drinking, that he's not accepting any of it himself.
You're right, it sounds to me like he is givning you and the kids all the blame for his drinking and taking none of the responsibility.
It is not his responsibility to decide what is best for you or the kids. That is up to you. He is passing the buck and trying to sound self sacrificing by saying he is doing this for you. It is his responsibility to worry about himself. But he does have a responsibility to the kids and you, and that is a legal as well as moral responsibility.
Okay I know we are supposed to keep our side of the street clean, and not interfere in their stuff, we are supposed to show support and love and leave the rest to our HP. But here is the way I look at it. When we make a marriage vow it is "till death do us part." I believe fully in my HP who is God, but marriage is work and I know I am expected to do that work, with the help and guidance of God. I cannot always sit back and wait. Marriage and Love is not always easy, people go through changes and day to day problems and we do have to work it as a team, especially when there are children involved. Family life is full of everyday stress, but the good outweighs the stress by far.
I would not let my marriage end without ever facing my husband. I would have to at least give it some fight. I would also need to know what is going on out there. If his mind is really made up, then there is nothing you can do to change it, but I know I would owe it to myslef and to my children to see if there is a way to stop this before it goes too far.
I know a lot of people will probably disagree with me, but I'm sorry, marriage is not disposable and neither are children. Families are worth fighting for and that cannot happen sight unseen.
The way I look at it he wa there to say "I do", in front of me then he can tell me it is over, also in front of me.
Try and keep it together and be patient with yourslef and the children right now. You have a lot on your plate.
I completely agree with you. I have always felt that way my entire life. I believe in marriage vows, and believe that everything is worth a fight, but it doesn't matter what I say, he has his mind made up. Of course I've said I want you to say this to my face, and he cannot. All he can say is he wants to do this and get it over with as quickly as possible, so as not to drag on the misery. He says he loves me but cannot live with me because he will never beable to get over what he has done to me. he thinks that he has just been so unhappy for a long time and this is why he continued to drink during our marriage, to drown out that unhappiness. I don't know how someone can fake all the things he faked, I guess he should go to hollywood, because he was an awesome actor. He wants us to remain the best friends we were, and try to continue to raise our kids the way we wanted to, yet he has no plans on ever coming back to our state. He seems to have a new warped sense of reality and what is right and wrong and what his obligations are, because they teach him, his only obligation is to himself. Forget that he brought 4 kids into this world.
I can see how easy it is for him to make these desicions, he is in another state, away from myself, the kids, our home, our friends, memories, everything. It's like a permanent vacation for him, and now he has his own little "cult" feeding into it all saying he's doing the right thing. I'm beginning to wonder about the whole AA and rehab thing.
But don't worry everyone, I am looking out for me, blah blah blah, what other choice do i have? I am all my kids have, I would never walk out on them NO MATTER WHAT.
(I just wonder, what do I do with his stuff? burn it?)
Thinking of you. My A was recently hospitalized and I had told him he could not come home after. Do not want a divorce, just time....He did tell me maybe we should just get a divorce. I think it was just a knee jerk reaction. And part of manipulation, to get me to let him come home. Give it time, It is likely that he will say something different... if he is anything like my A he changes what he says about as often as his underwear...lol, depending on how those words are working for him.
Take is slow, be kind to yourself, and let the kids no that they are loved
My husband said that he wanted a divorce over a year ago. Our last son had graduated from high school. This man hasn't drank for 22 years. A's are emotional stunted I think. He is a black or white thinker and doesn't consult anyone. He acts and I react. I have been told here to not try to make sense out of what an A says because it will change in the next minute. Two of our sons said that they couldn't believe that he had moved out. My husband said he didn't care what they thought.
I agree wih Jeannie. I took my wedding vows seriously. Do your best. Make a Plan A and Plan B. I crammed my husband's stuff into our truck. He looked so surprised.
Hi Sid , he is stark raving sober and I also agree that he is placing the blame on the family. Don't buy it ,your not powerful enough to make him drink. If he wants a divorce let him do the work but don't hold your breath , they change thier minds every 30 min anyway. keep the focus on you and the kids get to some meetings for yorself.
Doing it for you and kids ????how selfish is that really !!!!!
This is a selfish selfcentered disease and just because theyare sober dosnt mean they are better , give him alttle time to straighten out his thinking . good luck Louise
This is all so painful and I just want the pain to go away so I can focus on myself. I don't understand where he's coming from and I feel like I really need to. I don't see why he doesn't even want to go to counceling and work on us next. He said he's found out how co-dependent he is on me and how unhealthy that is for him. He doesn't even want to have a seperation, he wants a full out divorce as quick as possible while he has the strenghth to do it, he says. Of course he can't say this to my face, only over the phone, and God forbid when I ask him to come down there to see him, he says he can't face me now. He's had to make himself cold and uncaring on the phone while talking to me. It's so frustrating. he says he's thought about leaving me for awhile, but never had the guts to go through with it, because he felt obligated to me and trying to work it out. I don't see why he couldn't tell me he was unhappy, so we could have worked on that! Instead, he says he drowned it all out with alcohol. Where in the world is this coming from? How could I have been blind that he was thinking about leaving all this time? How can someone fake that? He was loving and caring and we had fun, in between his binges. This hurts so much, why is he walking out on me and our family!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Thanks, I have to just write these things, it helps for a short while.
S: My A does much the same thing and has humiliated me with it many times. He will turn the tables and make it all me. He wants it all his own way and there is no way for him to relate to what I need, think or can do. He will turn the tables and totally abandon me if he is not getting what he wants. I found that totally paralyzing at times.
He did that to me not very long ago but this time I did change. I was coming to Al-anon I came more. I went and got a counselor. I started mapping out what I need to do.
That pain of abandonment was great for me because my own family is abandoning too. My A has his own issues with abandonment from his mother who has abandoned him on many levels many times. He knows it is extremely hurtful and he does it as a way to distance from his pain.
I have called him on the abandonment stuff. He will say he is going to get a restraining order to get me kicked out of my own home. I tell him now to go get it. I know I will get my truck back then. He doesn't do it then. Before he felt he could totally bully and intimidate me now he can't.
At the same time I am not yet in a position to leave him. If I were I would go. I have had enough of his manipulations, emotional withdrawal, lies, abandonment and putting everyone in the world before me. I also have had enough of his temper tantrums. At one time I saw the world beyond the A as very bleak, now I don't.
I am glad that you are here for you. You deserve support understanding a place to vent your rage and more.
I hope you will come to meetings and get as much support, care and space for yourself as you can.
