The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well its saturday night and im home alone. its great fun. NOT!!!!!!!
i met with my ex yesterday and he was "out of it". he tried telling me he was fine but he wasn't. i dont know how i came to be in this situation.
my life seems to be going around in a limbo in the last 6 mths. i know for a fact my ex is dealing and seeing other girls... going clubbing and drinking mad again. his heart wont take it...he will collapse soon... doctors warned him he would be dead if he took coke etc...again.
...i guess it means nothing to him. he lies straight to my face. i told him yesterday that i couldnt be around him anymore at all coz i was an emotional wreck. he said fine...then sent a text last night after midnight saying... "i am sorry baby, thought you were the one, u'll always be in my heart, luv always, ur chicken, i am sorry i wasn't strong enough, u have my number, i will give you the space you need and want xxx"
......i was yet again in tears and cried myself to sleep....AGAIN! i know he's not strong enough to fight it... i know he tried. i know he wasnt happy leading a "normal quiet life" but why does it feel like i have lost the mos important feeling in the world....LOVE.
the only images going round and round my head last night was all the times we had spent together, cuddling up in bed dreaming of the future...how attentive he was, how loving etc... now he's like a different person. i feel like i was living a lie. i feel like a total fraud. how could i have been sooo wrong about him... I HATE THIS F**KING DISEASE SOOOO MUCH....... i hate everything it represents.... hate the way it takes control and makes people turn into monsters.
...i hate the thought of him going clubbing and meeting other womn, sleeping with them, cuddling them..telling them how much he loves them....having babies with someone else.... i know i wouldnt be able t cope with all that life that comes with him.... but why does it feel awful...why do i hate the thought of him doing those things wit anyone but me! WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO,....WHY CAN'T I LET HIM GO...FROM MY HEAD!
IT'S BEEN 6 MTHS......if i didnt have this website i would be a hell of alot worse.... you people have kept me strong in my weakest moments...thank you! how do i let go......
.....how do i let go of my hopes and dreams....the ones i had with him.
it doesnt help that he is living in the same area.... so i get to see him 4-5 times a week. its just too much at times.
.....why does it feel like when i get a hint of feeling better and i take 2 steps forward i get hit by something that blows me back 4 paces.
............any help would be greatly apreciated..... please tell me there is life after an "A".... coz right now it doesnt feel like it!
This is an exerpt of a reading I got in a recovery email list that a member here showed me. Maybe it will help you. It sounds alot like face it 'till you make it. It gave me food for thought.
Warning: this is not Conference Approved Literature. The author is very pro 12 step though. :)
Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.
There are many areas where acting as if - combined with our other recovery principles - will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no, until we believe we do.
We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.
I can PM you the entire quote from the email. This is 1/2 to 2/3 of it.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am sorry to hear that you are so sad. I think sometimes the A use as a vehicle for their own grief at not having anyone to care for them. I know my A's mother would surely let him starve. She doesn't think much beyond her own nose. But that doesn't mean I have to stay with him because I am the only one who cares for him. Of course I don't really know if I am the only one to care for the A as he makes certain I am isolated from his friends.
I appreciate the grief and anger you are experiencing. I hope you will come to al-anon for you. I am glad that you are setting limits on your boyfriend and hope that pretty soon you will stop even looking at his text messages.
