The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sitting here wondering how I ended up in this position yet again.
Last night my "A" took the car saying he'd be back in about an hour. That was at 6:30pm, well it is 8:50am and he isn't home. Normally I would just go on with my day knowing that sooner or later he'll come home with his tail tucked behind him. But today it actually matters that he is gone. First I was supposed to go to the store to get milk, and cereal and a few other things. Right now I have 3 kids and no milk, you never realize what a staple that is, until it is gone.
And, this is what is driving me crazy, I bought tickets to attend a Toby Keith (Country Artist) concert. I have been looking forward to this concert for weeks. And my "A" was supposed to stay with our children so I could go. Now I am wondering how I am going to be able to manage this. Trying to find a babysitter on a Saturday night at the last minute, not an easy thing to do when I have plenty of notice.
I hate this disease so much, because I know I am nothing to my "A". I know that most times I am not even a blip on his radar screen, and yes that hurts, but I go to my meetings, and work my program, and can love him and live with him in his active addiction. Right now I am stuggling with that.
I know that this is not a personal attack on his part, but it is really hard to believe that right now. I know he hurts worse than I can ever imagine, but I know that most of the time he "medicates" himself so he doesn't have to feel it. I really hate that. I struggle with that the most. Facing everything life throws at you alone while your partner, just does whatever to not have to face anything.
I am so tired of this disease robbing everything. Taking anything that matters in it's path. I am so angry because I don't do things for me. I had my own enteral battle with myself when I bought the ticket. Toby Keith is my very favorite Male Country Vocalist. I went and saw him last year. That was my very first concert. My "A" was in jail at that time, he was gone for 5 months. I had so much fun at that concert, and that is when I realized that I never let me have fun. And I have done a few things here and there for me. But this concert was the one huge thing I was porbably going to do this year. It just hurts so much to have a partner who cannot care about you in the way that you want him to.
Some of you readin this may wonder why I stay with him, and please that argument is not why I am posting. I am hurting and I know that I needed to post or I was going to not be able to let some of the anger go. I know it is my choice to stay with my "A". And I know that sometimes choices, no matter if they are right or wrong, have consequences. So, I am the most mad at my self, I out myself in a position to have to depend on him for something. I should have know better. 8 years, so man, same disease, same drugs, nothing changes. And i have some other choices to ponder, and figure out what my next step is.
Thanks for listening and just for being here. It is noce to have some people I can depend on.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
What a tough morning! I am so sorry to hear you're hurting!
In my own relationship, one my regrets is that during times of disappointment, I got focused on the big-picture choices (should I stay/should I go), and lost focuses of all the mini-choices I had in the moment of how to deal with the situation that was directly in front of me. Now, recently, there have been two things that have helped me tremendously:
1) Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first. Whenever I face a conflict in a relationship now, I come back to this tradition. It's helped me tremendously! Because it reminds me to not just think of the other person, to remember my own well-being, too. I draw on this tradition for a lot of support. I realize, for instance, that it is not in our common welfare, if I don't have opportunities for fun, or relaxation, for example. This tradition keeps me balanced in my approach to my life--I think of others, and I think of myself.
2) Choices. Making lists of choices, however, seemingly straight forward also really helps. I try to list five ways I could handle a situation, and then choose the one that feels best for me. I am often so convinced that making a list is unecessary. I already KNOW my choices I tell myself. But, every time I make a list I am SO SURPRISED at ALL the options! I feel liberated and free because I know I am REALLY CHOOSING.
((((Dolphin))))), you're in my thoughts as you begin to figure out what to do about tonight!
I so want to babysit your kids tonite. Hell, I'm not doin' anything! Beam me up Scotty and land me in Port Orchard! Okay, realalistic now, do you have any family near by? Someone you could trade favors with that you trust? I had similar experiences before and I learned real fast to have a back up plan for when my a husband let me down yet again. We had play tickets one night and he watched football all day so when we met for dinner before the play I had to think fast. I got the car keys from him after dinner (where he embarassed me to no end) and drove to the play where he promptly got out of the car and I locked all the doors and rolled down the window and told him I wasn't going to another pulic place with him tonight and to call me when it was over and I'd come get him. Several hours later he stumbled into the house and asked me what that all about! (He walked home).
I wish I had a way to get you to your concert tonight. Know we'll all be praying that you do!
Blue Cloud: thank you for your post. I know in order to leave my boyfriend I have to make a lot of decisions carefully and consistently. I have choices today I never had before. I always beat myself up for the times I stayed. I had good reasons to stay and many many of my own issues to contend with. I do not damage him with my issues(although God knows he blames me for everything) and I do not invade his life with my issues in the way he does mine. I reminded him of that the other day.
I need that kind of inspiration and solace. So many people would like to beat me up for choosing to stay with an abusive alcoholic. I choose today to do things for me rather than to appease him over and over again.
