The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A husband and I have been together since 1997, married since 2000. I am so lonely, sometimes I think I will die. I have been in therapy, and reading Alanon literature, and coming to the chatroom and meetings here. I have been focusing on myself, trying to deal with everything. I'm getting better, but I miss my husband. We live in the same house, we sleep in the same bed. But, all I usually get is a little peck "grandma" kiss goodbye and hello. He's not seeing anyone else, cos he's always here or just across the street. We were separated for 3 months last year due to domestic volence which happened while he was drunk. He's going to anger management and is on probation. He has so much anger towards me, but people tell me he's just angry at himself. I keep busy, I work 8-10 hours a day, sometimes on Sat. also, I do crafts, I have friends, etc. But, I'm so lonely for the physical part of marriage. When I try to initiate anything, he just pushes (gently) me away or makes up some excuse. It's not that he "can't", it's that he "won't". I'm not ugly or gross or anything, but it makes me feel that way. How do I deal with the sadness and loneliness I feel? It never ever goes away.
Awww Becky, Honestly I know what you're going through. My husband used to do this to me also and it killed me inside, for the longest time he refused to be intimate sexually, hug, kiss, anything and it made me feel awful. I also know it was not a matter or cheating because I have been with cheaters before and this was totally different. This went on for about a year and I knew he was just dealing with depression from a family matter but I got sick tired of suffering the consequences and made him leave.....which now I know was the wrong thing to do since the reason why he was depressed is because of being rejected by his father and now I too rejected him.
We reconsiled nine months later but it was hell the first year back together because I was SO resentful for what he put me through before and during the separation....and now he's an alcoholic on top of it. Now he begs me for affection and I refuse most of the time because he drinks, so the tables have turned.
I know in my heart things will be okay in the long run because our marrage seems to improve every year and I hope it continues to do so. We got married young and very fast. I hope things work out for you too but know that your not alone.
I can so relate to your pain. My husband is very much the same as yours, however, mine is sober. It is true that what the A feels is anger and resentment towards themselves. They cannot process in their minds w/out help how they feel about the pain that they have caused us. It is easier for them to push us away or ignore the situation. They are not capable of dealing w/ the lonliness we feel.
As for what we do w/ our feelings, you are making the right step in talking about it. It doesnt minimize it, but if we give it voice we can then find ways to work w/ our feelings over it. For me I had to find things I enjoyed to fill the voids. I had to accept that my husband, however much I wanted him to be more affectionate and loving might never be. I had to decide if I could accept him as he is or move on.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I can soo relate. Each person is different. All I can tell you is what I've learned in my shoes. Sometimes so much time would pass, that I couldn't remember the last time any physcial touching happened. Of course, I yelled for attention, screamed for it, demanded it, and still nothing. He too was here in the house always, yet I felt so lonely. I too went to meetings, chatrooms, and read alanon lit. I focused on myself, felt better, but still missed that part of the marriage.
You said he goes to anger management, which is good. My spouse would tell me during those times, 2 things. One that all the counsling was so much for him, he had nothing left to give me. The other thing was that of course initially for a long time, I demanded, scearmed, felt he had all the issues, and he was the only problem. I also felt at this time he needed help not me. When I focused on myself, came to meetings, etc., it took awhile. I felt better. I didn't hound him, although I did express my feelings in a positive way or no way at all. Eventually he came to terms with some of his issues, seeing I too have issues that I came to terms with. His plate is still full but we are finding time.
I learned that hope is sorta like luck. You can hope for something, or wish for luck, but if you don't prepare for it when it comes, it will pass you by. So I guess what I've learned is, yes I did feel soooo lonely, so unwanted but kept going for me, and eventually when the opportunities came by, I was ready in mind and soul, and so was he.
I hope this helps. Never give up hope, but don't just wait for it. Keep working the program.
I know after my husband I I where sperated, it was uncomfortable for either of us to initiate anything. It helped when we strted out slowly, holding hands, hugging, friendly kisses and light teasing and flirting. Little by little one thing led to another and we where fine.
Try taking it slow and initiate affection at other times as well. Try courting each other. If nothing else it can be fun.
I can also relate Becky. My A rarely spends any time with me or acknowleges that I exist other than a peck on the cheeck when he leaves and arrives. I still have found a good way to deal with it though.
I can relate. I feel like I always initiate EVERYTHING, he won't turn me down, but it feels like he can't be bothered. I am also lonely. I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. He would rather be out with his friends or rather at the bar, b/c that's the only place he wants to go, than home with me. I know how you feel. I can't give any advice, but I can relate! ((((((hugs)))))))
Your post makes me think. My A has called a halt to a physical and sexual relationship. They could be depressed or it could be a matter of control. Or both. I feel lonely too. I just won't stay in it too long. I call a friend, go online, bring my pets in for the night. It is amazing how loneley we all feel. I told my husband that I was willing to be "buddha" about sexuality until June but then we need to talk about all of this.
I too can relate, as this was the MAIN problem I had with my A. I was constantly rejected and told it was me. I tried everything too...and I became a very unhappy person (mostly sulking) in his presence. It was so confusing to me, but he had told me once that he had trouble trusting people and getting close. It was very painful and I'm working on healing that part of me that believed what he (thru his disease) had told me...that I was a miserable, depressed person, but the truth is, it had nothing to do with me. I was very open to him and wanted to be close to him, now being in alanon and having left him (personal choice..lots of issues there) I have more compassion for him and want the best for him. I do realize I have to keep the focus on myself though. That's what got me through those days, that's what helped me grow in confidence, and love for myself. I still struggle with my own self worth, but working my program keeps me growing from within. I just wanted to note that I used the 3 c's with this issue and it helped alot.
