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I am beside myself...panic, anxiety and I really don't understand what's going on or what to do. My BF has asked for a break to work stuff out on his own and is talking to his Sponsor, and trying to see a counselor (of his own volition) and is ready to do the work. We had what I thought was a healthy relationship with a couple of bumps, were equals and it felt safe and good. He is truly a good person.
My BF has been in AA for 11 years (has a good sponsor he trusts) and takes it very seriously and has done a lot of work, he is also an ACOA, and his past romantic relationship was very abusive and he allowed himself to be completely engulfed. I just found out that he has been trying to make me happy, going along with whatever I say and resents me for it. I do not want this.
He has a stressful life right now with work and finances. We had a big trigger argument about my jealousy (I'm working on it - he is trustworthy, it's my issue) and it all came out that he wasn't looking after his own needs he just pleased me all the time - he thought I was trying to control him and has transferred all of his anger on to me but deep down he knows it's not me or he wouldn't be so angry with himself - I think. He said things like, "when you said maybe we should do something else this weekend - you are trying to take over my life and mold me into what you want." and "you don't want me to go out with friends" - he's never said he wanted to. He said he is re-living his former relationships with me (in a transference/PTSD way and he thinks there's something clinically wrong with him). He is very confused and angry with himself. I had no idea this was going on in his head. He is also very afraid of any conflict and I asked what his fear was and he ended his rant by saying ...and that's what I hate about violence.
I know he cares very deeply for me and he knows I care for him. I have treated him well and he's treated me well. He has asked me to wait for awhile until he sees a therapist - so he hasn't run, quite yet. My panic is around this break - I really don't understand that if cares for me, is still attracted to me, why he needs to think about our relationship and what he wants from life. So my brain is in overdrive with what-ifs, and obsessive about all of the possibilities. I need this to stop. I see a therapist and she said to give him 6 months to wait (she likes the relationship he and I have) - we still see each other at an activity and he approaches me, hugs me tight and other times he talks to me then shuts down and runs away.
I want to support him, but I am so afraid to lose him (and my jealousy doesn't help) that I (and my therapist) doesn't think I can wait that long. The old me would try and manipulate to get what I want but this man and our relationship is worth more than the short term fixes. I want to set my own boundaries but my therapist says he needs to drive right now especially if he's feeling controlled. I keep making stupid mistakes like I tried to call him when I was feeling up, I know he has issues with money so I asked him to get me something at work and he tried to gve me my change back and I said no and he was mad, the odd txt message, etc. If I back off he likes something on my facebook and I say ty privately and we have a short thread together - he's wondering if I'm still there.
How do you show someone you're not going to bail on them and you want to support them but yet respect the space they want? How do you stop feeling punished? Why does he need to take a break if he cares? If I could understand why the need to be isolated maybe I'd be better at not freaking out? How do you sit by and know they are thinking things that are not true (transference), but they feel they are and are so shut down you cannot discuss? How do you wait and not feel crazy all the time? Is there a possibility this could work out? Should I just cut my losses and move on even though I think he's the right guy?
Hi. My suggestion to you is to attend Al-Anon meetings in your area if you aren't already doing that? There are no easy answers to your questions and we don't advise whether or not you should stay or go in a relationship. Jealousy is a big problem in relationships and that doesn't mean you can't overcome that in yourself as you work with your therapist and hopefully attend Al-Anon meetings, too. People pleasing is also a big problem in many of us who have discovered this about ourselves in Al-Anon recovery work. It can also be a big problem for some recovering As that they don't realize until they decide they need to get into Al-Anon, too. There is always hope for relationships if both partners are in their own programs and working them for themselves. Even if you and he decide to go your separate ways - which may or may not happen - one never knows, you're still going to experience jealousy in other relationships. Al-Anon can help you learn to live and let live. It can help you recover some lost self-confidence and increase your self-esteem, too.
Glad you're here. Keep coming back. We also have on-line meetings here. Information about the meetings appear at the top of this board. And check out Al-Anon meetings in your area, too, if you choose. Hope to see you again on our board.
This is just me but I would say something along the lines of "I love you and am fine giving space and waiting for now, but my life isn't on hold for you so do the work you need because I'm not waiting around forever." This gives you you more of your dignity and stops you from hinging all your happiness on him. There is a big world and lots of other people and choices out there. Keep focused on that and on you higher power and that will help keep the relarionship in perspective. It's just part of your life and not all of it...not to minimize your confusion and hurt because I know it's real.
He may seem to be the right guy if his issues were worked out, but it sounds as if right now he is not a guy who is in a space to be in a healthy relationship. What all of us need, above all, in a relationship is someone who is emotionally able to be there. It sounds as if he needs to do a lot of work on himself to be in that space, and whether he will get there is an open question.
But if you tend to jealousy, that's really a fear of loss, so it's no wonder this would be sending you into great fear. They say the lessons come to us that we need, so this may be a wonderful time in which you have the chance to practice something that will make your life so much happier and more serene. Working with your therapist should be really helpful, assuming you have a good therapist, which I assume you do. Al-Anon meetings can also be a wonderful source of tools and skills to use. I hope you'll find a good meeting. They say to try six because they're all different.
I always remember the saying "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else." What we tend to underfocus on is ourselves. What do we need, how does X or Y make us feel, can we get pleasure from normal everyday things and experiences? I would be so wrapped up in my ex that I couldn't think of everyday things, and it was hard to get pleasure from anything else. But of course then we look even harder to them to make our lives worth living. And it is very dangerous to put that much power into any person. Not even the healthiest other person could live our lives for us and make us happy all the time with that burden.
I hope you'll find a meeting, get the literature, read all the threads around here, and keep coming back. We're here for you. Hugs.
Hi... my ESH... I guess you are in a relationship in mid-season. Even without the other issues it might be time to re-group and adjust...
...I will always plump for the adult child in the relationship- because I am one. And yes, of course I have been through all of this with my own marriage. And survived...!
Getting to six meetings, either Face 2 face, or online would be a good bet. Learn to rest and relax- and begin to trust...
I am going to f2f Al-anon, online meetings and seeing a therapist - and asking questions here :) I am working on my jealousy - and I do trust my BF, oxymoronically - I just don't trust my trust. (lived with a sex addict and had no idea - I trusted him). I am keeping busy, talking to my friends/family, trying to eat right, and exercising - but when I get home I cannot function and have no energy.
I am struggling with the isolation of BF because I don't understand what it accomplishes when he clearly cares for me and I care for him. I don't know how to support him and yet give him space.
He may seem to be the right guy if his issues were worked out, but it sounds as if right now he is not a guy who is in a space to be in a healthy relationship. What all of us need, above all, in a relationship is someone who is emotionally able to be there. It sounds as if he needs to do a lot of work on himself to be in that space, and whether he will get there is an open question.
Since he has worked the program in AA, I think this is his feeling too and the fact that he's ACOA and he has to work things out on his own. I don't understand how you can work on relationship issues when you're not in one? I do understand you can work on your individual work but wouldn't you want to see how it works?
I do not feel comfortable giving him an ultimatum - I think he needs to take his time, but I get what you're saying.
I have been in relationships with lots of people and do not mind being single (it's wayyyy easier LOL), but he is indeed very special and truly a good person who is fearful. I do not want to abandon him at this point - he wants to fix his issues not run away from them.
I just need to learn to be supportive without taking over and I want to do this right - but I don't know what that is.
My therapist thinks he's worth the effort as well.
Thank you David. It does shed some light. I saw him tonight and he said he misses cuddling with me but he looks so cold - we do the same activity separately - the end of the night we had a short conversation where he is completely terrified. He's 40 and I'm 43. He's asked for space and said he's done everything on his own and he has to sort stuff out. He's still rageful, frustrated, angry and doesn't know why - blames me for a big fight two weeks ago which I'm almost positive isn't at the core, but still wants me to wait for him. I want to be supportive - I think he's angry with me because we were so close and it was good and he's used to chasing unavailable people. Out of his comfort zone. Right now he's on the edge...and I cannot be there with him. I told him I loved him, that I'm not running away and I will do whatever it takes to prove to him that I won't let him down like everyone else in his life.
So, I need to give him that space but it's so hard; he's beautiful and has had a tough life and done so well, and 11 years sober, and now he's suffering. Why am I the bad guy and why is he so angry with me?
During this break I can and will look after myself and my needs but how do I just standby when he is slipping and in so much pain? (he will go see a therapist)
You can give him the space that he wants without putting your life on hold. I've spent oodles of time in my younger days thinking I know what is going on with someone - basically being in their heads and hearts where only HP and they can truly be. Most of the time I've been wrong about where they're coming from unless they tell me and show me where they're coming from themselves. It's a slippery slope for me when I think I need to prove that I'm not running away and that I will do whatever it takes to prove to somebody that I won't let them down like everyone else in their lives. I've learned to ask if they're good for me? What are they showing me? What are they telling me? Then I make the adjustments for me that are right for me and the kind of life and partner I want for myself with the help of my HP. I trust HP to do the same for and with the other person. None of us can "be there" 100 per cent for another person. But, HP can be. Glad you're in Al-Anon. Keep coming back.
You're welcome. Keep coming back. This program works if we work it and we do experience the serenity you are seeking. Sending you lots of encouragement and support as you work your program for you. Lots of hugs, too.
Hi... my ESH... I guess you are in a relationship in mid-season. Even without the other issues it might be time to re-group and adjust...