The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My a has been very grouchy the past 3 weeks. I know for sure he has used 2 times in the pst 3 weeks. I'm guessing he has actually used more. I told him last night that I missed his smile. He said he hadn't realized it hadn't been smiling. I told him it had been about 3 weeks since he was in a good mood. I asked him if he wanted to tell me what's going on. He said he just wanted everybody to get off his back. His boss has been asking him what is going on and I have been asking. I said well we're asking because we care and you seem very unhappy and we just want to know if there is anything we can help with.
But then did I drop it no. I told him I was scared because he hasn't really been making a lot of meetings--none this week. Last Fri. he spent $60 of his paycheck on his drug of choice. I know in the scheme of things is not a lot, but it's just that he did--which is all part of it I know. I just don't want it all to go spiraling down again--I hate that road!!!!!
Anyway he was not in the mood to talk and I was, I was also in the mood to cry which annoyed him. I ended up beating his rear with a pillow--which I know if it had been caught on video would have been hilarious to see, but I just feel really beaten. I am having such a hard time working my program. I know it's not about him, it's about me.
Now I will be scared all day that I just gave him another excuse to go use or get more mad at me. I know there really is no excuse, why can't I just leave it alone?
Been there, done that. I know how you feel. Wouldn't it be nice sometimes we had a remote control to rewind and stop us at just the right spot? Expressing concern seems to naturally lead me to expressing more concern and then telling my husband what to do. Remember the 3 C's, you did your best, and learned from it. I'm gonna remember the pillow fight, may not be a bad idea next time he sees me upset and teases me by asking if I want to box ... go grab a pillow and whack him ~laugh~
dawn dont' beat u up for this.....i think the pillow thing is funny too.....anyway, just keep talking to urself, i didn't CAUSE it....cant CONTROL it....cant CURE it......the only thing we CAN manage is US.........if U choose to stay in the ralationship, u gotta realize...HE is going to do what he wants to do.....U R powerless over his behaviour.....so the only way u r going to remove u as the victim is to back off..take care of u....let him reap what he sows......its HIS journey........sorry, didn't mean to preach , i hardly ever do this..........peace /rosie
Rosie--thanks sometimes we all need a little "preachin'".
THanks for the input. Sometimes I just don't listen to myself real well--even when I know I'm telling myself the truth (especially the shut-up and leave it alone stuff!!!!) It's good to hear it from someone else, then maybe I'll see it better and more clearly.
Dawn, it is the hardest thing to 'Let Go, Let God' and to admit we are powerless. You said you thought you had given him an excuse.... and of course you know that they don't need an excuse. They are happy to blame anyone because they dare not admit that they alone are responsible for their own actions and nothing you do or say will change that.
My heart went out to you when I read your message, but I also recognised a lot of recovery. Take care of you. We've all done or said things we regret, but at least now, we recognise our faults as soon as we've done them. Doesn't mean we won't do them again when provoked, but at least we are on the right track. Stay strong. Sheila [she123 from the UK]
Hi Dawn: I am tremendously over responsible for others and under responsible to myself. I am so sick of my boyfriend going out and using and lying about it. He has got into real financial hot water and blames me of course. He can blame me all he likes these days I am not taking responsibility for it again. I have stopped listening. I told him this week I am not Mother Theresa. What he wants is some Mummy figure who says there there and does not hold him accountable.
I am no longer putting myself in a position to be blamed. At the same time I have had to give up blaming him for everything wrong in my life and take full responsibility for it. I don't like that but I don't want to be get into being powerless again.
I am sorry for your circumstances, but can't help thinking "misery loves company." So glad to come to these rooms and hear that I am not the only one who behaves or feels a certain way:)
I have beat myself up plenty of times for carrying the conversation too far . . . even while I'm doing it I'm often in the back of my head screaming, "stop!" Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. We are human . . . not only dealing with our A's, but all the other stressors of life.
I watched my husband almost die twice during his last bout with addiction (he is in recovery now, clean for about 1.5 years) . . . and it is very hard to not go too far when you think things may be getting out of hand, because often it is like yelling to someone on the brink of falling off a cliff . . . this is a deadly disease.
