The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has basically abandoned this relationship. He said that he didn't want to be in a marital relationship with me - that he loses himself, he only has short time left to do the things that he wants to do which includes golf. This is after 32 years and he says he never wanted to be here. He says that the only reason he won't follow through on a divorce is that I said that I didn't want a divorce because I don't believe in it. I have asked him to move back, I have asked him to compromise/negotiate. This whole situation has been his decision. I never said I wanted a separation or divorce. We still maintain a financial relationship. He has offered to come back on weekends because he feels guilty about screwing me over. And I say you want to come back and solve the problems that you created? So most times that we talk about most subjects turn heated and non-productive and put us back into our diseases.
I think that I need to take action for myself and my future and try to quit reacting to everything that he says and does or threatens to do and doesn't do. I have an appointment with an attorney on Friday. I will be doing something that I never thought that I would ever, ever do. But in an intellectual non-emotional way, I do want to know what my rights are as a married person who has been abandoned. What rights do I have about these decisions that have been made? Do I have to sell the land? Do I have to agree to his purchases? I want to know what a legal separation is. I want to know how to get a divorce. Hopefully, knowledge is power.
I come to this site and learn so much from everyone's experiences. I am humble because I think that I have been arrogant (like my A now) in thinking that I was better than all of this. In my darkest hour, I wonder what ESH means when people ask for it (I mean really when you are all alone and don't understand something). But I am pretty sure that I need some ESH in this venture. In our Alanon meetings we say to detach with love and be respectful to the A's. I do want to move out of choosing suffering and choose to live.
(((((((Nmike))))) First of all I can relate so much to your share. I too after 30 years marriage was forcefully tossed into the same situation. I never wanted any of this, I just wanted him to get help. I wanted him to try, but it never went that way. He chose to persue his what I call his drinking career with those who drink, his enablers etc. So in a nutshell, he left, after a huge confrontation with both parts New Year's day 3 years ago. It has been a gruelling time for me,,,lawyers,,,court etc. I went from no debt to loans to pay off my lawyer, and borrowing money from family members. I am not saying this will happen to you, however be prepared, get "your ducks in a row". Seeking the "legal" advice from your lawyer is the best thing you can do now to protect yourself! After that many years of marriage you are entitled I beleive to half of everything, this will be confirmed by your lawyer. Keep your focus on the task at hand and DO NOT let your emotions get in your way to get what is rightfully yours. So many women , give up and just walk with nothing , only to find out later, they wish they would have fought for more, as the husband be it an A or not goes onto to live a good life. You have to take care of YOU now,,and your future, so do not sign anything til you are absolutely sure.
In the end I ended up representing myself in court, as I had no more funds to pay lawyers. (You see I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom and my A was the main bread winner). So do all the research you can , yourself,,and if you can afford a lawyer even better. If you can resolve the situation and get your A to agree without going to court , even better . Perhaps a mediator?
Speak the truth, and have documents to support your claims, if you can, as the A's lies and deciet will be noticed by the judge, they are not stupid, they have seen this before many times. For me emotionally distraught, I needed something to go in and fight not only my A (as he wanted just about everything) but this disease as well,,,so I found a smooth rock,,,painted ODAT on it (one day at a time) and each time I fell out of focus on why I was there in court, I would put my hand in my pocket and rub the rock which would take me back to task on why I was there and put my focus on where it belonged belonged on "me and my rights."
Good luck and just remember this is about YOU now and YOUR future not his!!!!
There can never be anything wrong with getting information, and finding out where you stand legally. Talking to a lwyer about your rights does not mean you have decided on divorce, it means you are finding out things you need to know in order to make that decision. You may have options that would not have occured to you, who knows? You don't have to feel guilty and afraid to take care of yourself in this way.
