The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you may remember me telling you about a guy I met around Thanksgiving. Things were going very well until this past weekend. I saw some red flags, but waited a little more. Before Alanon, I would have made excuses for his behavior and hung around some more to be treated poorly and put myself right in the martyr position. Not this time!!! He said he would call me on Sunday. I did not hear from him. Monday came and went with no word. I received a voicemail message last night. He said that he was sorry he did not call, but he was busy. BS!!! I always settled for crumbs and ignored my needs in a relationship, but not this time. His friends and work come first in his life and this is what I have seen. I have also noticed he goes out to bars often with his friends, so I'm cutting the ties quickly with this one. His ex left him for this very reason and he bad mouthed her to everyone. A relationship takes work just like a job. I expressed my needs to him early on and he agreed to meet them. I wish him no ill feelings, but will not put myself in another relationship with someone who is self-centered. My last relationship lasted two years. I look back at myself and think of what a martyr I was to put up with the horrible treatment.
Should I tell him in a nice way it is over or should I just not respond? My therapist said no response is a response. Just wanted to see what you all think. Thank you.
sorry, but i disagree. i think i would just tell him. i would want someone to tell me. but don't tell him to give him the opportunity to "change." if you decide to tell him, stand your ground and be in control of the situation.
I am so proud of you! To be able to see it for what it is and say "NO, I don't have to put up with that I am worth more!!" I would do what you feel comfortable with. I personally wouldn't tell him anything-I would just not respond--I avoid confrontation at all costs.
I would love to think that I could stand up for myself one day the way you are doing now. Right now I think that if my a and I don't make it in the long run. I won't do the marriage thing again. This is already my second and to have 2 not so great choices to go looking a third day would just be stupid on my part unless I can guantee that I could handle things like you have! (looking out for my best interests--knowing that I am worth it and not settling!)
KISS__________BS!!! I always settled for crumbs and ignored my needs in a relationship, but not this time. His friends and work come first in his life and this is what I have seen. I have also noticed he goes out to bars often with his friends, so I'm cutting the ties quickly with this one. His ex left him for this very reason and he bad mouthed her to everyone. A relationship takes work just like a job. I expressed my needs to him early on and he agreed to meet them. I wish him no ill feelings, but will not put myself in another relationship with someone who is self-centered. My last relationship lasted two years. I look back at myself and think of what a martyr I was to put up with the horrible treatment. Should I tell him in a nice way it is over or should I just not respond? My therapist said no response is a response. Just wanted to see what you all think. Thank you.
ROSIE______ WAY TO GO!!!! you get a GOLD star for such progress!!!! WONDERFUL.....as to saying anything to him????? what do U want to do???? IF U say anthing to him....i would keep the focus on me....my needs were not met, i want.............and u can't give it.........i wish u the best............but i am moving on to take care of me"..............
or words to that effect.....i would keep the focus on ME..... i MAY , depending on how volatile he was say something like "u didn't call me when u said and that made me feel unimportant and you did/ said__________________________that is not what i want out of a realtionship, and therefore i am removing myself from this, as i know what i want/need and i deserve to have that"................or words to that effect
Good job honey. I say You don't need to call and confront him and tell him this isn't working. I say just stop taking his calls all together. Cut the cord.
oh i DEFINITELY would not call HIM.....and as far as telling him??? that is IF he called me AND it "smelled right" otherwise....."dog him out" (diss him)........each case, with me was diferent...there were guys, i "blew off" NO explain....and than i had others where WHEN they called ME, i said the sample in my post earlier.......sorry i hope i didn't confuse the author of this thread......NO way would i call the jerk!!! like someone said "cut the cord"......rosie
I might call him, I might not - but you have to do what is best for you. I like that many are saying don't call him. And I definitely agree with Rosie - if he calls you, then tell him you are out of the relationship - focus on yourself.
Your therapist says no response is a response. For me, however, there is no way to know exactly what that response means. Does it mean you are waiting for me to call you? Does it mean you are just really busy? Does it mean it is over? Does it mean you dropped your cell phone in the toilet and therefore lost everyone's number and simply couldn't call me? (I did that once - LOL) What does no response mean? Too many questions arise when there is not open and honest communication.
Regardless, you know yourself better than we do and you know this guy - what will he think if he doesn't hear from you?
I am in major boundary mode at the moment. I set a lot of limits. If someone crosses over my boundary I say they did. I don't leave room for ambiguity. I see this as two issues one is that you say that calling was important to you. Then if you do not call him as he did not call you it leaves the ambiguity there. This guy already knows he has an issue with commitment. Remind him of that. Say you know you have this issue, congrats you did it again. I am not going to stick around to wait till you give it a priority. It is clear, it is forthright, you've got it out there and you don't have to wonder if you see him again where stuff stands.
Of course I am also an advoctate there are lots of ways to say No. Lots and lots of ways and I am learning them all the time. I think the fact you are clear on this does not work for you and that you are not sticking around to wait is incredible. Good for you. However you say no is of course your business as it is your life. But I am happy for you that you are clear on No.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement!!!! I have decided that I am not going to call him. I owe him nothing. I took a chance and made myself vulnerable to him. He's just not that into me.(Great book by the way) I used to fall for all their words, but actions speak more clearly this time!
