The material presented
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This is my first time actually surfing this site. I am not sure how to start or even where to start or if I really need a site like this one, but if I want to know if I am going through right now is a problem, where else could I go?! I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We decided to move in together after only 5 months of dating and even today, I do not regret a single moment....He is the kindest, warmest and most caring man I ever met BUT we have one problem which occasionally leads to other ones. I think he drinks too much and he doesn't think he does. He averages 12 beers a day, 3 cases a week. He doesn't go to bars or drink with friends, he just stays home and drinks all day long. He is on sick leave for the moment due to stress related work. He doesn't become aggressive verbally or physically, in the contrary, he is more open and is very affectionate but I feel he changes....He repeats himsself a lot and seems to forget some details of our conversations the next day. When we discuss the subject, he does admit he drinks too much but doesn't think it is a problem. I tried over and over to ask him to at least reduce his consumption but we end up argueing about it and he drinks even more! I realised lately that I am becoming angry at times and not sure what provoke my anger and I sometimes insult him without even noticing it. I am not a person that judges since I drink myself but very seldom. I am an ex-drug user but he doesn't and never used drugs before and I have been cleaned for some time now, so I do understand what addiction is all about, but what I really want to know is this...Am I over reacting? And if not, how can I approach him, help him....We love each other very much but I am worried, especially for his health...HELP!
You feel affected enough by anothers drinking that you are here seeking help. So you definately belong here, in this safe place to grow and learn.
He will only believe there is a problem, once he has a problem. My A had no cares in the world. She doesn't work, I'd work harder. She drinks 12 beers, there'd be more to drink later. There is always a roof over here head and food on the table. Maybe not in exactly the way she wants it, but there are no consequences to her drinking.
There are condequences for you. You notice the change in behavior. You may even be changing your own behavior to deal with the drinking, to try to rationalize with him that it may be too much. Dealing with conversations that have already taken place.
If you've had a substance problem, you probably know that only you could chose to get help and work on it.
Come to alanon and focus on you. You'll grow. Whether your b/f sees a light, gets help and/or grows is up to him but it doesn't have to slow you down !
Welcome. Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
You will find the most caring and experienced people here, who will listen without judging. Read the other posts here, you will find that we all have been where you are now. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone.
Well, thank you for replying so quickly. I have never been a member of any Al-Anon group although I was in a relationship where drug and alcohool abuse was present in our every day living prior to the one I am in at the moment. The difference was that my ex-partner was abusive verbally and eventually turned out physical and although we both used together, I ended our relationship and kicked him out. He has now been sober for over a year and once thanked me for what I did although at the time, it seemed so cruel. I do not think that my present relationship needs mesures as drastic as my last one, but I do think about giving him an ultimatum but he is everything to me. I mean, my boyfriend isn't abusive like I said, he is actually a nice "drunk" and I could learn to live with his problem because his qualities surpass his problem, but how to cope with it without being a nagger that eventually gets to both of us, is my biggest issue. I talked to my brother about it but he said he is a good man, a good provider and he drinks at home so why complain? I can't talk to my mother about it and that is a long story so, this place is it! I would like to know how many relationships survive when one of the partner is an alcohoolic....Do my b/f and I have a chance? Am I wasting my time?
HI Nat, welcome. Well the thing is hon, this is a disease. It gets worse and worse.
For one thing drinking that much is already taking a tole on his body. Him not going to work is another sign of trouble. Your getting upset is another sign it is a problem.
A good book is, "Getting Them Sober." It is in paperback and you can find it at used book stores.
I remember when my A was just like yours. Now thiry years later, he is almost deat. He only drinks never eats, is homeless and brain damaged. Believe me it is a horrible disease.
the best thing we can do for our A is take care of our needs and wants and not expect anything from them. I even have my own income, house in my name, car \ in my name etc. He is extra.
I am so glad you found us. I can tell you are genuinely curious and you love your a. As far as he has never done drugs, alcohol is a drug Nat. The body does not under stand what we label as drugs or alcohol. To the body it is a drug.
I can bet you if he could not get alcohol, he would be looking for other drugs to fill the drive.
There are meetings of alanon that you can go to. Usually advertised in your local paper as to times and stuff.
The relationship with an A is always drastic. As it will get worse in time. Even if they get sober and on a program, it is still very hard to live with an A.But it can be done.
I did for awhile, but sadly my A is also an abuser. Which has nothing to do with being A.
Most relationships with an A fail. I hate to tell you that, but it is true. Usually A's go from one relationship to another. It is rare and almost impossible to live with an A. They may quit drinking, go to AA, go to rehab etc. but relapse is part of the disease. If a person chooses to live with an A they have to completely let go of any responsibility to the A's disease.
You cannot help them. The best thing to do is accept them and love them as is. and respect their dignity and not bring it up at all. They know they are in trouble, they know they don't feel good.
Their disease, drinking and or using other drugs is not our business. Ultimatums do not work at all. They do the opposite.
I love my A husband very much. Though he is not anything at all like the young man I fell in love with.
ok you say he is a good provider, but yet is not at work. It gets worse not better. they start to have to drink all the time, go to work drunk. And believe me if he drinks at night, his employers can smell it during the day.
My husband was sober for awhile, he was a contractor, did wonderful work. We were just getting going. Then he had a brain tumor removed, relapsed from the drugs they gave him and now is what I told you above.
Would i do it all again? sadly these days I say NO. Been too much hell now.
You think you can live with it? so did I. But hon I found out things I never imagined would happen. losing control of bowel and bladder, throwing up on hthier knees cussing, repeating, lieing, forgetting, unable to work, unable to fix things.
Their drug is more important than anything including you. If you don't believe me, Ask him if he will stop drinking for two weeks. Probably would not be good as he would detox and that is dangerous to do alone.
Your boyfriend sounds so much like my husband. I too stayed because there was no abuse, he held and has a good job, was a loving and caring person. I've been married for 18 yrs now.
When we first got married we used to do lots of fun things together. We'd go camping, river rafting etc etc. Eventually as his alcoholism progressed we did less and less. Eventually we had a child. He chose to sit home and drink rather then take our son to the zoo and be involved with our activities. There was always an excuse for sitting around drinking. He was unable to do simple tasks around our home. He'd either be too drunk or just refuse to help with the upkeep. I've learned to do many tasks myself. In fact last weekend I installed a new kitchen faucet as he drank. These things are all just the tip of the iceburg. There has been much pain involved. I ended up married, but very lonely. I'm not trying to deter you from your relationship, but to let you know what you may have to accept while staying. After way too many years and way too many promises I turned to Alanon for help. I had to change me. I had to change my dream of what our marriage could be. I filled up my life and keep busy to fill the void of having the relationship that was lost. I've reinvented me too, along with the help of Alanon and the use of Alanon tools. It's do-able.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
NATHALIE_____He averages 12 beers a day, 3 cases a week. He doesn't go to bars or drink with friends, he just stays home and drinks all day long. He is on sick leave for the moment due to stress related work. He doesn't become aggressive verbally or physically, in the contrary, he is more open and is very affectionate but I feel he changes....He repeats himsself a lot and seems to forget some details of our conversations the next day. When we discuss the subject, he does admit he drinks too much but doesn't think it is a problem
ROSIE_____ my ex did the same thing....was a "superman" on the ship (navy guy),...at home???? a 12 pack per day.....and he too, didn't think eh had problem, but he couldn't stop....he had to do it......and i don't care how sweet they are.....drinking too much is drinking too much.......NOONE healthy drinks a 12 pac per day....my x couldn't see it either...he said "no i dont have problem" but that is NOT moderation......and when one has to drink every day???? yeah, Ur instincts are correct......and he is in denial..........i take care of me now....i let go and let god.....and after enuf recovery now?? i will not get involved with another "A" ,...i don't want to be 2nd to a bottle of beer.......just my take, take what works, leave the rest....rosie
if you reached out for support, you are not over reacting. you obviously feel this is a problem. i'm not trying to push you one way or the other, but ask yourself this: if he drinks this much now, how much is it going to be a yr from now or 5yrs from now? if it's bugging you now, it's pretty safe to say it is going to bug you then.
i'm a newbie here, so i don't claim to know exactly what to do. but i lived with watching my father come home from work at night, watch tv & drink a 6 or 12pack. to me it was no big deal, i thought everyone's dad did that. now, i'm an adult with a husband & 2 kids of my own. now i realize that not everyone's family is like that. my dad now is a full blown alcoholic. he doesn't work, drinks all day & watches tv. he used to have tons of friends, volunteer at church, coach our sports teams,... but now he has no one. he threw it all away. personally i have decided not to stick around to see how his story ends. i am no longer a part of his life. it's sad, but true that this is what is best for me.
"personally i have decided not to stick around to see how his story ends. i am no longer a part of his life. it's sad, but true that this is what is best for me."
ROSIE_____ oh i had to back WAY off from my brothers....i don't want to see them drink themselves into the ground either.....i mean i still love them...still talk with them, but i dont' stay on long with them...like i have to DETACH to take care of me.....they don't WANT recovery...that is THEIR choice...just like it is MY choice to protect/take care of me by BACKING OFF........i don't blame U at all........rosie
